Relationship He Called Today

[Deleted member 27524]

So around 4 weeks ago my sufferer told me he was considering a job in another state which meant him moving and all chances of a future for us would be gone if he did. He also told me he didn't think he wanted the responsibility nor could handle my boys. He told me he couldn't be what I needed and I needed to start dating.He was under all sorts of stress at this time. While he certainly has every right to evaluate his life and choices it still hurt me and I took it hard. He's texted me once every 3 days for a month.

I went to a therapist during this time cause I felt different inside. I was really sick for awhile. I felt like something in me changed though. I felt like I had no emotions. I felt like I was numb to everything. It's really hard to explain but I felt like if I would try to talk to someone for example they were standing on one side of this giant ravine and I on the other and I couldn't connect in any way. Like this huge gap was between me and anybody. I felt dead I guess. She said I had consciously shut all my emotions down as a form of protection from further pain. It scared me cause I'm a very loving and friendly person naturally. I've felt this way for around a month now. I was told to get out and date and meet people that it would help so I have tried but just couldn't. I have had many offers but I just can't make myself go. I feel like I just can not connect to anyone currently.

Today I get a call, it was my sufferer. He told me he wasn't moving away and he needed that time selfishly to figure out his life and that he wanted to be with me and all that it entailed. He even text me our little secret sign that has always meant "I love you to the moon and back". I was sorta emotionless even when he said it. This man I have loved for so long picked me and I am just emotionless. He's pushed me away plenty but this time it effected me differently. Now I dunno if I can let him back in or if I even know how too.

 

[Glara]

I'm sorry you feel that way, but I understand. I'm starting to wall off everyone.

Maybe you can ask your therapist how to deal with it. I guess first you have to decide if you want to. Your situation does involve your children so it's very important that you think it through very carefully. While I was still raising my daughter every decision made about everything, was made thinking about how it may effect her. I knew some day she'd grow up and move out, which she's done. But while I had the chance I wanted to give her as much stability as I could.

I'm not saying to give up on him. From most of what you said he's a great guy. Unfortunately, when he's symptomatic it effects all of you. I don't think anyone can tell you what to do, but when you decide what you want to do, maybe your therapist can help you cope.

 

[ground crew]

As a sufferer, thanks for working with him so long. I am tempted to add the phrase "must enjoy long thankless projects" in my next personals add.

 

[Sighs]

:hug: if you accept them.

I don't know about you @Thunderstorm but I know I am a very loving forgiving person - to a point. Once that point is reached? I'm over that person and nothing they do or say can change my mind.

Eg 1 - I left my first husband after I caught him cheating - for the 3rd time. 3 strikes and you're out seemed to me to be fair policy. (Now I would leave the 1st time, but then... )
Eg 2 - I ceased all contact with my best friend of 20 years after he hit on me - while his wife was pregnant.
Eg 3 - I ceased all contact with a good friend of almost 10 years after she told me my vet should 'just get over it'.

I think I've become less tolerant as I get older! :p

None of those examples involved PTSD.

I guess the question you might ask yourself is this: Is there anything he could say or do which would restore my confidence in our relationship? If so, then ask him to say or do it. If not, do you want to continue knowing that this might happen again?

 

[technigirl]

You've been hurt pretty badly; it's completely understandable that you may feel differently now and that you may be unsure of letting him back in. I agree with Glara that you should consider this very carefully especially since you have young children. You might also consider discussing how you feel right now with him, if you haven't already. Let him know that he hurt you and because of that, you are feeling distant from him and unsure of how to proceed. At the very least, it might help him understand the effects of his actions and perhaps encourage him to take some more positive steps toward recovery. I hope that he gives you an apology as well, you deserve one.

 

[hodge]

Well, I think that if you told you four weeks ago that he didn't think he could handle your boys, what would make this different now, so soon? Maybe the job offer fell through? Sorry to sound cynical, but if I were you, even though I don't have my own children, I would consider my children first, and if someone told me they couldn't handle them, that person would be off my list. Even though my mom was abusive, when she found out that her boyfriend's friend attacked me, they made sure he was never around us again. I know that's an extreme example. But, still, since he even said he couldn't handle your boys, I would take that seriously and look elsewhere. You and your boys deserve a wonderful guy who wants to be a father and a husband.

 

[Peach]

I agree with what everyone has already said - it's up to you and there is no wrong answer. Probably both options point to dragons; the hurt of leaving him now or hardships in the future that, hopefully wouldn't be as bad as this one, but they would be work and upset emotions all the same.

Take your time in deciding. There is no rush. You have all the time in the world.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You don't need to know what to do hon... you get to take "selfish time to figure things out" too.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

You don't believe him any longer which I have done on many occasions. After a while of suffering (who is actually the sufferer, truly), you just turned to a "comfortably numb" human being unable to believe anyone and also have become quite cynical. In other words, you've turned into a 'me'.

He needs his space. Fine. GIve him his space but don't let his sorry butt manipulate you with your love sign. He doesn't love you enough to be with you or handle your boys. Your children come first and he needs to go away permanently. You deserve better with your time and spending it waiting on him.
Love you!

 

[ground crew]

As a sufferer, if i had been betrayed the way he betryed you, the trust could never be rebuilt.

 

[catlover26]

From what my experience has been so far with my Vet with ptsd I know when he is depressed and stressed he can say some things that are hurtful and do not make any sense to me. I will have to ask him again what he meant to get things clarified. Sometimes he just doesn't verbalize it in a good way during that time. Maybe this is the case in what he said about your boys. You would have to decide in how he treats them and if he has said this more than once. I do believe in giving people second chances but you have to decide how much you can take of this and what he needs to do for you to trust him again.

I can understand it feels like an awful roller coaster ride of emotions.

 

[Tanishq]

@Thunderstorm I think you became numb due as natural consequence of what happened in your life and relationship with this man. He sounds kind of like come and go type of man. He enters in a relationship and then when something happens in his life he might leave which he did. Come and go doesn't work in love relationship, this is what I believe.

I hope I am making sense and yes, I agree with everyone here.