Relationship He Feels Safer Alone

[Glara]

So he told me he prefers to live alone, he feels safer that way.

I live far away, it's a plane ride to see him. I have to stay here for my job, couldn't move there for at least 10 years.

What is it about me, or relationships that's makes him feel unsafe? Or is it something else? He came on so strong in the beginning, why would he do that if relationships scare him?

I'm just confused, I knew this could happen but I hoped it wouldn't. I don't know if he'll recover. I'm trying to plan my life without him. I'm getting counseling. But I'm still so depressed.

 

[Em C.]

I'm not sure if this helps but sometimes we (PTSD folk) don't realise how not fine we are in a relationship until we get in one. For me, I thought I was fine and then after almost having sex with my bf I had stress-related seizures. I was completely unaware that I would respond that way. I also prefer living alone because I feel that I always have to act in front of other people and it's nice to be free of that in my safe place.

I think counselling is a great idea and I'm so sorry that you have been going through this. *hugs* if you want them

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Well, we are CONSTANTLY told that we need to work on relationships. Our therapists tell us this, our friends tell us this, our family tells us this, and yes, worst of all, society tells us this. You cannot.....can NOT......work on relationship issues outside of a relationship. So what do we do? We continue to try to get into relationships, but it doesn't always work out. Sometimes we think we are ready but we are not. Trying to explain the safety issue to those who have never had a safety issue is like trying to explain the color red to someone who has been completely blind since birth. Its best to not try and understand, rather just accept it for what it is. I know it doesn't really help you to understand, but I don't think there really is a way to understand the PTSD mind unless you live it yourself. Perhaps try to accept that he tried but his PTSD wouldn't allow him to safely continue and leave it at that. If you try to figure it out you may just put yourself in a worse state.

 

[Glara]

Thanks @Em C. I'm not sure what he meant about living alone. Yes, months ago we talked about a future but never actually planned it. I have a job that requires I live in my state, and he lives far away in another state. Yes, I actually do plan to move there when I retire, and he always knew that. It wasn't to be with him, but because I have family and friends there. Of course if things worked out with him that would have been even better.

As far as him saying he feels safe that way, I guess he means letting go emotionally? Because we don't live together and we barely see each other, so it's not my presence that's makes him feel unsafe. Am I a trigger?

I've most certainly realized we won't have the future we talked about early on. That's really ok. I don't need to be in a relationship. It was different with him because we have a history. I wanted a relationship with him. But it just seems like I'm so far away, I don't know how I could be much of a threat. We can have a casual relationship. I just hope he doesn't want to cut me out all together.

 

[Kefira]

None of us know him, so there's not much we can tell you about him specifically. Have you asked him what he means? He might not be able to explain it well, but that's the only way you'll get an accurate answer at all.

I think you're limiting yourself to your definition of 'safe' rather than thinking about what that could mean for other people with other perceptions. For me a relationship can be threatening because it's good, and I feel good about it which means I feel. And as soon as I feel anything I feel everything. When people get close they also gain a lot of ability to hurt us whether intentional or not. The fact that you're far away, depending on how he views that, could be in or against your favor. Personally I can't do long distance because I don't have the assurance but I still have all of the concerns and it kicks my abandonment issues into overdrive along with putting way more pressure on the physical stuff while you're actually together.

Like I said, he's the only one who can tell you. But it's not your concept of what is or isn't easy or safe that's the concern here so trying to expand your thinking about what he might mean if you can't just accept it and need to find some sort of understanding is probably your best bet.

 

[scout86]

I don't know if he'll recover.

No one knows if he'll recover. I hope he does!

The way he feels now is probably not the way he'll always feel. He might not realize that right now.

"Safer"? Everyone's got their own definition of what's safe and what's not. Are you familiar with "Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose"? Just getting attached to people is one of those things that seems like a good idea and I guess it's a "human" thing to kind of crave it. But once you NEED someone they have more power to hurt you than anyone else does. Besides that, sometimes dealing with your OWN stuff is all you can manage. Trying to do justice to someone else, in a relationship, at the same time can be pretty overwhelming.

Take the opportunity and work on your own stuff, like you plan too. You gave this relationship all you possibly could, but this obviously isn't the right time.