Relationship He Got Rid Of My Pictures

[nursenurse]

But what kind of person wants to let themselves be abused in this manner? What trust, when they celarly do not trust you? As Treehugger said those who work hardest on themselves do not do these things to people they care about, and you cannot continue to give these folks a bye just because they have PTSD. Boorish behaviour is boorish behaviour, and PTSD seems to make that quality, which is already in there, come out. It is way too easy to write it off as PTSD, but then everyone needs to learn on their own. It is one thing to isolate, with a word every so often that one is okay. It is entirely another for someone to practically wipe out your existence by ridding himself of your memories, and blame it on the flu. what the....? Others who isolate for months, leaving the partner hanging on by a thread with no word, then to come back like nothing has happened? there is no self esteem in the supporters of such, and certainly not much of a relationship. By continuing on without any boundary setting, without demanding decent treatment for yourselves, you ultimately give them licence to continue on. It is called enabling. Many people who are on these forums need a wake up call, but it gets wearying saying the same thing over and over, watching so many supporters self destruct in the name of love, over sufferers who are in denial and have no desire to help themselves. The sufferers I have met here on the forum are awesome people, some with successful relationships, some without, but they possess self awareness about PTSD, and they are fighting like mad to overcome what life has dealt them. And they take responsibility for their actions.

I would suggest a good long look in the mirror. If you would not accept certain behaviours from a non PTSD relationship, why in God's name would you hold a PTSD person any less accountable for their behaviours?

 

[Deleted member 27524]

Oh good lord! Forget it! You give the same advice for everyone can't you sing a new tune? It is always the same old thing...I had the convo with the man and heard his tone as well as OH..when he APOLOGIZED for being so stressed and did that. He was going through a tough time and made a mistake, big deal it happens to the best of us. We forgive and go on! He has came a long way and as far as his integrity/ honesty as a man in my life and the type of person he is I am quite comfortable with! TY I am done and bowing out of this thread!

 

[Glara]

The first time my sufferer withdrew and I didn't understand it I wrote down his number, locked up where I wrote it and deleted him from my phone. I also sent all my pics of him to email and deleted them form my phone. What I didn't realize is that I didn't block him. When he did finally text back I recognized his number.

 

[Wastinglight]

He was going through a tough time and made a mistake, big deal it happens to the best of us. We forgive and go on!

Well said @Thunderstorm. Something I always have to remember when posting here (and when talking to my friends and family) is that I'm the only person who can fully understand the nuances of my situation. Other people will try their best to get where I'm coming from, and give advice that they think is appropriate, but they don't know the fully story. Only I do.

More to the point, the people that I am seeking advice from are not in any way emotionally invested in this relationship. It's so easy for someone to say "leave him" when they can see that someone they know and like is struggling and in pain. And why wouldn't they? They don't know or care about my partner! They only care about me! So I completely understand why some people here on the forum take a hard line and say "don't waste your time with this person". It could be the right decision to make or maybe things will work out in the end - with time and effort on both sides. It's good to get different perspectives, rather than just try to work this stuff out in my head by myself.

A lot of people here say that you should not accept any behaviour from a PTSD sufferer that you wouldn't accept from someone without PTSD. And I think that's totally correct. But even people without this condition make bad decisions and sometimes need a lot of time - and the support of someone who loves them - to work through their issues. I know I do. Everyone has their own baggage, regardless of whether they have been diagnosed with a condition or not. No-one comes to us a blank slate. I have done a few silly things already in this relationship, because I was scared. If my partner was to find out about some of the lunatic thoughts I've been having during moments of panic, he probably would have left me by now. I'm trying really hard not to let the crazy out while I work on resolving my issues.

I'm one for giving second chances and making allowances. Yes, it does potentially open me up to more hurt down the track, but I have recognised that and decided to take that risk anyway. As long as I don't bullsh*t myself about what's going on. Telling myself lies is the worst thing I could possibly do in this situation.

Sometimes I tie myself in knots trying to work out whether my guy's behaviour is acceptable or not. I overanalyse the crap out of everything. In the end, I always go back to my T's advice: "Just do what you think is right and hope for the best".

 

[Glara]

I disagree about never accept behavior from a ptsd sufferer that you wouldn't accept from someone without it. I would not accept someone withdrawing from me. I didn't with my sufferer. I told him to figure out what he wants and get in touch if he decides it's me, but I'm not going to be strung along. It was after that he told me he has ptsd and I started reading, and learning that withdrawal is part of ptsd. So I accept it from him.

It is hard to know what to believe and what to accept. Sometimes I do feel like a fool, it's on here, I've posted it. But other times I'm scared to death that he's suicidal and in a very dark place. Years before we reconnected romantically, but were chatting frequently as friends, I knew he was depressed in some way. I kept telling him he could come to me, I'm a good listener. I had no idea of the severity. I just assumed it had to do with his marriage ending and him possibly losing his job. Now that he's opened up to me I don't want to turn my back on him. And while I question some of the things he does, I also question what's behind it. In my case distance, and my job keep me from turning my life upside down for him, so it's really just my feelings I have to guard. But even if I decide not to continue romantically with him, I'll never turn my back on him.

 

[Sighs]

If all of us who are supporters held our sufferers to 'normal' standards of behaviour there would be no supporters left.

 

[nursenurse]

Good lord, there is a difference between isolating and a difference between disappearing. If you just want what you want to hear, go for it. I am singing my same old tune because I am hearing the same old song with a few words changed. If you want hand holding you aren't going to get it. There are some standards that are universal. Not accepting of abusive and damaging behaviour is one of them, and no where did I say that all sufferers were like this. But a lot of new supporters start out the same way, and the red flags abound. But this is merely my opinion. Take it or leave it, that is the beauty of the forum. I stand by everything I have said. Over and out.

 

[Wastinglight]

I guess what I was trying to say was that there is no such thing as 'normal' behaviour. Yes, PTSD is a whole different ballgame when it comes to relationships, but it doesn't really matter to me whether a certain behaviour comes from PTSD or not - what matters to me is whether we are both willing and able to work on it together.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

@Sighs i agree 100% with what you said!

 

[Deleted member 27524]

I know my sufferer best so an opinion of his just "disappearing" on me has no baring! I know his struggles as we discuss them where others only speculate from bits and pieces of information given.

If every supporter on this forum held their sufferer to normal standards then that would be a sad day for many sufferers. I see many strong and brave women/men come to this forum for support and encouragement who are told in many instances to just run away. If they wanted to just run away in the first place then they wouldn't be on a forum. There are many factors for each individual relationship but still I see constantly to just run away. I think better advice could be given! Perhaps we see something in that person that we don't want to run away from. We see a greater good than just what's happened to them that makes us stay and fight.

D is not the same man I met two years ago and he's even told me that I've helped him and changed his life so because I didn't just tuck tail and run we have grown. He has pushed to no degree to get me out of his life and I wonder why? Everybody leaves eventually in his mind and I'm not going anywhere! Have I endured some crap from him? Sure I have lots of it, but I don't think you'll find a supporter here who hasn't taken some crap off their sufferer. There are married individuals on this forum who I'm sure went through hell to get to that point and still struggle to stay there!

I agree with you @Wastinglight, as long as both people are working on improvement together that means everything!

Sure my guy got in a bad place with a sickness and much stress on his plate and deleted my pictures thinking in his mind for some reason that I was never gonna talk to him again. Why he thought that, I dunno! Yes, he did tell me about it when I asked! I don't think that's fishy, it's called honesty! It is respecting me enough to tell me the truth. It's being a person who has some responsibility for himself and owning up to what he did! It was pictures and while it was hurtful, I certainly don't feel that is grounds to yell "abuse" or end anything! I am there for him anytime he needs me and I don't regret it and I have found as we grow that when I really need him, he is there for me, with unwavering support!

At the end of the day it is my relationship and my choices and I am thankful to those who offered simple productive support on a day I felt a tad crappy!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

OMG I can feel it coming, I am going to get banned from this thread for overstepping my bounds in the supporter realm, but here goes...

Please stop shouting that everything is abuse. If all of her pics were in one file, then it could have taken ONE split second BAD DECISION for him to delete them. Right click....delete....Done. A bad decision does not amount to abuse.

@nursenurse, I'm wondering why you're still here on the forum as your "sufferer" is long gone. I don't see you making any posts of your own, but I see you shouting a lot of things are abusive when they really aren't. That is, you're no longer in the PTSD world yet you feel the need to tell everyone that their sufferers are abusive. We are works in progress and we are not perfect. I know that things I do can be seen as abusive. But, what counts is that I'm trying to get better....scratch that, I AM getting better. Are you aware that not all healing can be done outside of a relationship? Nope, can NOT be done! That means we are going to make mistakes. We are going to do hurtful things. But then again, please tell me what non-sufferer doesn't stumble along the way, either.

 

[Owl.]

@Solara - THANK YOU.
The "abuse" flag is waved way too frequently. IMHO, in order for something to be abusive behavior, there has to be an intention to hurt the other person behind it, and in many (not all) cases of "shut-outs" or deleted pictures or whatever, I'm just not seeing that.

I'm currently shut out and I know it's not because he wants to hurt me -> I'm not being abused.
In the early times before and even after my own diagnosis, I was the one doing the disappearing act more than once, NEVER because I wanted to hurt the ones I was hiding from, but because it was the only way for me to hang on to my own life then. If anything, I wanted to protect them (while, admittedly, protecting myself), but definitely not hurt or "abuse" them.

"Healthy" or not, everyone makes bad/stupid/rash decisions in moments of anger, stress or fear. I got rid of my man's pictures in a fit of cold rage before, all it takes is a few seconds of your brain shorting out and gone they are. Doesn't mean I didn't regret it another few seconds later.
Did I tell him about it? You bet I did. It's called honesty, and that's an absolute necessity in any relationship.
That, too, is not abusive or manipulative. For me, it was a way of saying, "This is what I can be like. It's not something I'm proud of or something I WANT to be, but it's the way I AM and I'm working on NOT being like this with you."

As for Thunderstorm's guy "blaming it on the flu" - without knowing him, I'm pretty positive that's not what he did. He didn't say "Flu Man popped out of my sinuses, grabbed my phone and deleted your pictures".
To me, it sounds more like him saying "The flu made me do it. I was having a horrible time already, then I got this health-issue on top of it and it all became too damn much for me to handle."

There are times when a person's already this close to exploding with the attempt to handle the moment, it doesn't take a major health-scare (or major anything) to make that particular dam burst, and when it does, it's not unusual for every last thing, no matter how dear, to be lost in the flood.
What matters is what you do to repair the damage when the waters recede.

And btw, yes, I would accept "this behavior" from people without PTSD. Even from people without clinical depression, BPD or any other "mental health issue". It's got nothing to do with a lack of self-esteem and everything to do with the fact that we, as humans, can only take so much, and sometimes the line is crossed - and when that happens, even a rock-solid set of ground-rules won't change a thing.