General He Is So Angry With Me! When Not To Apply Pressure

[hannah]

My heart goes out to you. I could tell you many things; but right now they would not comfort you. Please Please do - any help at this time is really appreciated .........I have grieved for this for a long time grief hand in hand with hope - stupid selfish hope that this is going to work - be ok please tell Kim if you have time for this

Our kids are in their early twenties and their past three years have been hell our daughter is so angry that he has chosen to be away working for 3 out of her las 4 birthdays - things that are important to her ...... we seem to be a front that is up against him ..... but that is not what we intend to do

god this is hard to know what to do best... Kim i implore you to impart any wisdom you might have thanks:cuckoo:

 

[tig]

Hannah, Sorry, I've been out of town for a few days.
The very first thing I would do is go to a psychologist. You could discuss some of these issues 1-on-1 & get feedback specifically for your situation. It would also allow you to sort thru your conflicted emotions. We think "We're grown up...don't need help w/that!" Oh, but we do. You have so much inside you that's dying to come out, I believe this would be of great benefit to you. Better to unleash all these emotions on a counsellor than on hubby. That would kill any chance you have left.
Next- this one's easy: For any conversation, meeting, whatever-- You may ask ONLY 1 QUESTION.The End.Period! Then bite your tongue, chew off a finger...you get it. No matter which way it goes from here (which still could be either way), you could ruin it if you DON'T stick to 1 question! I don't want you to cling to false hope, but don't divide the assessts yet. You want an answer from him when he's calm. (Going to counselling will help you unload the zillion things you want to say.) Don't crowd him or fuss over him at X-mas (or until then). Look your best FOR YOU, concentrate on food, kids, etc., and w/him it's like "Glad you could come." Questions?
I know you can do this! You can--take hold of the situation calmly, quietly, gently!

 

[hannah]

thanks to tig and veiled for advice

:thumbs-up Tig, you speak with such wisdom and confidence thank you....... I am hearing you I am desperate put this into practice.......I sent him a short email that basically underlined the stresses we have both suffered didnt detail (lost my brother to cancer 50, then my dad 6 months later then his dad last January and our 17 year old beautiful black Labrador .....) in addition to his "work" I then added Anthonys info a short passage so like Veiled advised I am "quietly seeing some frightened animal coming a little nearer" god willing..... he acknowledged this to our son and says he knows he is trying... to heal himself. He rang me then to ask how my appointment went !!!!! so pleased but am still a novice at this ....


me I am dealing with other things but am getting stronger each day:crazy-blu
thank you for your support..

 

[tig]

Sounds better. Dare I say this-- Just keep treating him like a frightened wild animal...non-threatening approach, slow & easy. I agree that's the way to go. That and 1 question per conversation... Be careful not to pressure him thru e-mail. Show him much compassion & understanding. I've still got a few "tricks up my sleeve" should we need to pull them out!

I'm happy for you! I'm always here for you!:thumbs-up

 

[hannah]

hi tig how about those few tricks then please. nothing happening here - he has reduced contact with kids as well. He now is twisting things i have said and accuses me of things he has said!!! Interestingly he has said more than once "you think I have PTSD" "you keep telling mmmmmmmme" but will not go to the doc even tho he complains of sore back and blurry eyes! He is talking about changing jobs as he is arguing with his boss! but this new job involves a lot of world travelling and I fear he is not up to it. What next ???

 

[tig]

oh, hannah...

All I say here is because I've been where you are, except no one told me this 'til late in the game...
It's apparent from everything you say that you still love this guy (you "worry about him...") but for what reason I don't know. He has spat on you time & again & he continues to do so because you let him! He counts on that-- wake up hon, this is emotional & psychological abuse!!! The question is: how long are you going to continue to let him abuse you??? And you're beating yourself up worrying about him! ENOUGH!!! Do you think he's worrying himself sick over YOUR pain? No! Or the kid's pain? No!
I realize this may sound callous & mean, it's not meant that way. You just need a good kick in the ass to bring you to your senses & I'm gonna have to give it to you.
It's time to "cut the cord." (emotionally & officially) He wants a divorce. I know how you feel about divorce; but do you really want to hang on to someone who wants out? When you see the lawyer, have him draw up the papers & file them. (For your own benefit.) This is an adversarial situation & has been for some time now. Now it's about to become war. You can either let it destroy you emotionally & physically or you can choose to be a survivor. (I vote for the 2nd) I know it's not going to be easy-- that's 1 big reason you should start seeing a psychologist now. The others are that you're probably going to hear alot of nasty stuff said about you & 1)you need documentation from an expert for yourself now & 2)you're going to need the support & advice.
Let yourself get mad at him-- after all he's done, you should be. And quit worrying about him-- he's a big boy & you're not his mom. Concern yourself instead with your own mental & physical health & that of the kids.
I'm sorry if this hurt you, but somebody needed to tell you. Big hugs!

 

[hannah]

yes I see

yes I see what you are saying, but things worked out for you in the end you gambled and won I'm afraid i'll lose him for good. He is such a stubborn man he would sooner cut off his nose to spite his face. I will cut contact it is doing no good. I just end up being upset so Ill go quiet for a week so help me god and I'll reasess then. thanks Tig for your input. I do appreciate it. you were separated 14 months yea - how did you do that? must have hurt like hell.

 

[tig]

Surprise ending

Hurting like hell doesn't come close to describing it. I lost everything I had-- my home, car, my children, my dreams for the future & my best friend. I had no reason to get up in the morning, no reason to eat. I curled up into a little ball & willed myself to die. I went from 128lbs to 96lbs. I wouldn't go outside of my house. That's not living, that's barely existing.

About the "advice" gained thru "having been there..." I lost. I don't want anyone to have to go thru what I did. But if one prepares for the worst, the surprises won't knock you off your feet. :think:
I guess that's why I was so forward. I probably sounded like a jerk; but the thing is that I care about you. I don't want to see you where I was.
Kim

 

[Jen]

Gee some of you guys are doing it tough makes my problems seem not that big when I read this forum sometimes. My New Year Resolution is to listen more to my hubby and take more notice of him and notice the signals that he is going down. Which wont be hard at the moment because he is still down after Xmas but life goes on.
My thoughts are with all of you spouses and here is hoping there is a light at the end of this tunnell:wall:
Jen

 

[tig]

Jen, There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes the path toward the light is not as we want it to be. Sometimes the light doesn't shine so brightly as at other times. But it's still there.

 

[hannah]

no light at the dark tunnell guys - had a girlfriend around tonight - unexpected- already had plans to see another friend for a meal - my best friend was visibly distressed and miserable - when it transpired - look out--

she pulled the pin on the bomb shell--- her friend of a friend of a friend had used a dating site -- well guess what - there he was in all his glory - not the present day a happy family photo. cut out of course! This guy is polar or antisocial or ptsd pick - psychotherapist - cant determine cause he "ran" away - wont help himself - drinks - takes over the counter drugs and who knows the possibilities are endless - I am giving up - please dont think bad of me - last chance over last chance - he doesnt care about humiliating us - his "precious family" he is a narccisssist a "bastard" and every other thing i cant spell at this moment because of anger .. glad I threw him out ...

 

[dazednconfused]

so sorry..

I will be praying for you both Hannah. It has to be hard what you are going through.

I send you lots of hugs.

dazed