Relationship He Seems To Reaching His Breaking Po

[Determinedone]

The last 4-5 days have been a challenge more than most. We've been going through some very hard financial situations. He's been up and down like a rollar coaster. But I've noticed he's coming home a little later than usual. He's etting in around 9-930pm every nite and he leaves for work around 530am. He stas he spends 2-3 hrs in the gym each nite after work. Which he's been working out daily since his return, but this is extreme to to point he won't eat when he gets in. In fact when he comes in the door he strolls past me and or the kids and heads straight for the bathroom. He locks the door behind him unlocks his closet and puts his backpack in their, showers (sometimes) get his nite clothes on and goes rite to bed. He makes sure his Bluetooth headset is on and zones out. No how are you... How was work. No convo about anything. If you ask him a question he's full of rage to the point ou can hear him trying to contain it. He's also back on that let's not make plans for th holidays because were not getting along anyour nagging me so I may not be here.

The only thing that's changed is about two weeks ago I stopped trying to gently get him to talk. It seemed to make him angry no matter what. So I started sharing certain articles and or videos where people were speaking out about ptsd and the symptoms, how they didn't realize they were hurting their loved ones but they're anger and things like that. I always followed this up with I love you and I'm here for you. Last nite in his moment of rage while if morning me he actually let me say everything I was feeling (10mins at most) toward the end he ask me to stop and I did. I mentioned to him more than anything I just wanted to know that he needs me or that he wants me here for him. I got no response until a few minutes later if you don't wanna be here and you wanna leave then f* it leave. Go be with someone else. There a lot of men out there better than me I'm sure. I replied that's true but my heart is with you and this is where I wanna be. My love for you hasn't changed and as soon as we get past this you will see just how much you love me. It's just buried under layers of stuff rite now...

The other thing is our teenage sons are getting frustrated with his attitude as well because it's mostly toward me, an lately he doesn't even try to be respectful at least around them. So one of our sons sent a txt msg to both of us talking about treating people bad and loud them. He never responded. I did and tried my best to reassure both of them that we will be fine. So my husband went back to bed after reading this msg and slept until almost 2pm them got up and said he was going out. I ask if I could go he said no he wants to be alone. He was gone 3 hrs? Called just before he got bk to see if I needed anything from the store. And when he returned straight in the bedroom door closed. A few minutes later he went to bed. It seems like he's fighting a breakdown. Other than being silent I'm not sure what else to do.

 

[Justmehere]

Wow... That's pretty awful the way he is treating you and your sons. I appreciate your heart to support him even through this. He is lucky to have you.

I would suggest talking to a counselor or therapist, to get support for you, and work with the counselor on setting boundaries with him. Suffers with PTSD - we need people to stand by us and work hard to compassionately understand, and we also need people to put up boundaries when we act like jerks, especially when it affects kids or teens. Even though you are reassuring your kids, they see what is going on. They pick up on all of it. It's part of the way kids are attached to parents.

He needs to get his butt into treatment. He's a combat vet, right? Maybe send him a link to the sister site: mycombatptsd.com or reach out to the VA? Maybe a peer can help reach him.

I'm so sorry he is acting this way.

 

[Determinedone]

I'm already seeing a counselor in fact this is my second one. He's a civilian he went overseas for work.

 

[Determinedone]

Do you think that him reading those emails I sent with the info about others with PtSd is making his attitude worse?

 

[Mit]

This is no way to treat you, and it won't be helping him either I guess. Sadly I can relate to the type of behaviour you describe, as I have acted like that at times towards my partner, much to my shame. I know at times when I behaved like that I was filled with rage and just directed it at the only person I knew who would take it from me. It was cowardly and obviously very hurtful. It didn't help, I just felt even more guilty deep down because I knew I was being awful, and hurting somebody I loved very deeply. I still get very angry, often without really knowing why, but I stopped taking out on my partner, and I work hard to rationalise it and diffuse it, by going for a walk or some other distraction. Even just going to bed is better than being horrible to your loved ones.

In my case I had to take control, it was self indulgent behaviour. It was not my partners fault or problem, and although I'm no expert I wonder if he has to do the same. You are being a wonderfully supportive and patient partner and I hope he can come round and recognise what a loving partner and family he has and draw strength from that to help him heal.

 

[nursenurse]

I smell a rat. But that is my opinion. In the end, if you accept this treatment from him, he will continue to dish it out. Is he in therapy? Marriage is never a one way street, you need to set your boundaries and stick with them. Your kids are your priority now, so act accordingly. A peaceful home is much better than one filled with hurt and emotional abuse. Good luck.

 

[Justmehere]

Do you think that him reading those emails I sent with the info about others with PtSd is making his attitude worse?

I think he is responsible for his attitude and his decisions to not get treatment are making is worse.

He may be interpreting your emails differently than you intend, possibly as being nagging. However, his behavior is creating a very horrible living environment for his children and you. His behavior is way out of line. Your response is extremely accommodating to him - In my opinion, you are accommodating him too much.

Your therapist should be helping you set some bright and clear boundaries with him - and if he isn't, I would suggest finding a therapist who can, perhaps one that deals with couples counseling. Even though your husband probably doesn't want couples counseling, it would be good to talk to someone with experience with abusive relationships. The way you are accommodating him so much reminds me of the way a lot of abuse survivors act and I'm very concerned. I don't think he is abiding you more than he is saying, but that there is no excuse for his behavior, especially when he refuses to get help even when his teenage sons are telling him to stop. He is responsible for it, PTSD or not, emails from you or not.

 

[Determinedone]

Yea I am starting to question my reactions as well. But the therapist suggested I respond in a loving way.? I'm normally a confrontational woman and don't take alot of shot from anyone. So this has been difficult for me to do. I'm going to have a conversation with him the next time this happens it's been going on for 18 mths like a roller coaster up and down.