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Supporter Hello Everyone - Struggling Wife

  • Post starter Post starter Kyraen
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Kyraen

To start out, I myself do not have PTSD, I am actually a rather stable person (most days) however my husband claims to have been diagnosed with PTSD as well as anxiety and depression. On top of that he is severely ADHD as well. I am here hoping for advice and insight. We have been together for almost 3 years (married 2) and friends for almost 10. He wasn't as bad when he was younger as he is now, his anxiety seems to be escalating and more and more things seem to be blamed on PTSD and anxiety. It's a case of 1 step forward 5 steps back. I tell him he needs to get help and he says there is no recovering from PTSD that people live with it and suffer their whole lives. I don't know what to do anymore and I could use the guidance of others.
 
Welcome to the forums!

PTSD can get worse over time, especially w/o treatment. It's pretty par for the course for many kinds of anxiety disorders to lead to avoidance and then the anxiety worsens and then the avoidance worsens and the anxiety gets worse.... and around and around the cycle goes until someone decides this isn't working anymore and gets desperate enough to commit to getting help.

No cure for PTSD, but there are a heck of a lot of good treatments out there to manage and reduce symptoms, increase quality of life, and in some cases, treatment can lead to remission of symptoms.

Treatment doesn't work for everyone, but it usually will help things be better with treatment than if someone got no treatment. It is typical for someone to get worse before things get better in treatment. Many people quit at the first sign of things getting worse and get too scared to go back.

I get the sense that you think he could be using his claim of PTSD as an excuse. Without further info here and intervention from a therapeutic angle, there's no way to tell if that is the case. But, PTSD can explain some things that may or may not be happening. PTSD is an "invisible" condition that can be hard for supporters and spouses to understand.

Instead of pressuring him to get help, perhaps consider working on your communication of your boundaries with behaviors of his that you find to be difficult for you, and this might go further in encouraging him to get help. Pathologizing his behavior (by both of you) and pushing the need to get help might be something that is actually enabling in a backwards way - providing a reward that isn't working for you, but somehow is for him? Not sure based on limited info.

If you set boundaries around behavior, this might let him retain the responsibility to figure out what he needs to do or what help he needs.

His reluctance to get help may (or may not) actually be part of the complexity of the condition. Some people develop "learned helplessness" after trauma, and depression can zap motivation and hope. Also, good trauma therory is hella hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever done outside of surviving actual trauma, and I had excuses for years why I avoided doing it. So many excuses...

I finally got help not when people told me I needed to get help, but when they held good boundaries with my out of control symptoms (and my excuses too.) They were gentle but clear in saying they needed things to change in order to make relationship with me work for them well enough to stay in it.

Consider couples counseling as an option. Focus on what you can change and control, which isn't him, and you might see more change in the relationship. Even if he won't go, you going to couples therapy may help you have more understanding and clarity and new tools to navigate this, and it might make him curious enough to get his butt into the office with you.... and hopefully into treatment of his own.
 
Sorry I didn't go into much detail, I guess I don't know where to start. I suppose I will start with the paranoid hyper vigilance. He will go around the house and observe things and even set little "traps" to try and figure out what I do when he isn't home. If there is something that is out of place or doesn't make sense to him when he comes home he over analyzes the situation to the point where he thinks that I had people in the apartment (which is a no no) and then we get into a fight because he knows everything about what was there and what wasn't with such certainty that I cant even defend myself because anything I say is an excuse or a lie. Example: he at work for 8 hours and made myself a sandwich at noon and another at 6 and he came home and said I must have had someone over because I never eat two sandwiches and he counted the packages of lunch meat so he knows there is two missing and why would I need 5 slices of cheese etc. He is also super negative about everything. I was working on our car and I couldn't get the jack to work, a neighbor came to help me and loaned me his jack and it caused a huge fight because he says no one ever does anything out of the goodness of their hearts everyone wants something and he was probably trying to sleep with me. He won't allow me to go out with friends without him. I haven't been out with anyone but family for 3 years without him. I'm not even allowed to take our one yr old right outside the apartment to play because our neighbor freaks him out. If I try and 'set parameters' for his behaviour my things get broken or he threatens to kill himself. He has broken two of my phone's three TVs two were mine one was his a PlayStation 3 and a computer, and many other small things. Recently he has put a text and GPS tracker on my phone so that I cant "lie to him anymore" and it has gotten to the point where I don't even care. All if these behaviours he blames on PTSD and I feel like I have bitten off more than I can chew. I asked him to go to counseling and he says all they will do is medicate him or lock him away. I asked if I can go to counseling so that I know how to handle the situations better and he said no because they would tell me to leave him or lock him up. Maybe it makes me a bad person but I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I am reaching out now because I am desperate. If my husband found out about me using this site it would probably be another fight but I just don't know what to do.
 
Not allowing you to have freedom of movement with your child and breaking your property is a form of very serious abuse. All of this behavior is at least criminal stalking (and yes it's possible to stalk your own spouse) if not much worse.

You above a right to be able to have a phone without a freaking gps monitor in it.

Has he told you what he will do if you don't comply with this? I assume he puts on these trackers without your permission? (It really doesn't much matter, this is horribly wrong either way.)

And it's not PTSD. I mean maybe he had that as well, but this isn't PTSD behavior not would that make any of this ok if it was PTSD.

Please contact a local women's shelter ASAP for some support on this. This is very serious abuse and manipulative behavior on his part. This is a very serious situation. The women's shelter or safe house can give guidance and support on how to handle situations like this (even when a person is not being directly physically hit - and you didn't say either way if that was occurring) and they can do it in ways where he won't likely know and they can protect you if he does find out and gets upset about it.

They are trained to handle people acting just like he is. This is stuff they have means to handle that can help everyone involved.

If you don't feel free to leave your home at any point in time ti get help or do what you need or want to do, you can call 911 or at least a non-emergency dispatch number. You don't have to tell him you are doing this. When you call the police, tell them you want pizza delivered and give them your address, and ask them to please deliver it quickly, and they will most likely understand and come to help without you saying out loud what is happening.

If you can't take the god trackers off, then you can also make a plan to leave the house when he is gone and go to the woman shelter and tell them you have the gps tracker and they will handle it from there. You are not the first nor the last who has been put through something horrible and invasive like that, and they can help with that. Even if he somehow ends up following you there.

If you stay in your house simply because he gets so upset --- with the patten of him breaking things and acting so paranoid and your belief you are not allowed to leave your own home for any reason, including your child going out to play, that creates all the elements for this being a criminal act on his part. Still a very serious situation needing outside support.

Please still consider going to therapy, and get support for you, along with steps to get out of this situation. ASAP. Even if he won't go. Again, if he won't allow it and you have no freedom of movement to do this, or you get afraid of safety of you or your property if you do this, get help from this women's shelter and or 911. This isn't because something is wrong with you, but because this is a very serious situation that any person in your shoes would need outside intervention and help to navigate.

You have a right to get any support or help you need to handle this, even if he doesn't agree or like it.

As far as PTSD, it's actually a bit besides the point. He may have PTSD but ehat you describe is not likely PTSD behavior, --- and frankly, his behaviors could cause PTSD in you and/or your child down the road. That's the path this is on.

This is hella awful behavior on his part and seems like one of several other very concerning mental health disorders, but none of us, not even him, can diagnosis ...and most of all, NO diagnosis makes this kind of behavior ok. It's wrong and abusive and it's ***healthy*** that you don't want to keep living like this. That's a good instinct.

Boundary setting is done to put limits on what you will allow into your life, not so much to change the other person. For example, you can "set a parameter" that if he continues to break stuff, you will do xyz. Then if he breaks stuff, do it. You follow through with how you will change your life to not let the behavior continue. Then he knows is not ok...

But in this case, with this level of aggressive jealous obsessive paranoia and possible/apparent delusional thinking, this situation needs some trained professionals to get involved ASAP to help guide you through any proactive boundary setting or leaving of the relationship because his behavior could instantly escalate into greater danger and problems than are already present.

I don't mean to scare you, but I hope to emphasize how much you need to get outside support because of how bad things already are right now.

Will they lock him up or drug him up? That's between him and he professionals to navigate. Not up to you.

It's not usually possible to talk someone out of this level of delusional paranoia, especially when you are the person he is obsessing over.

If he controls all the money for your household, don't let that hold you back. There are options to help women get on their feet coming out of situations like this and get into free counseling and etc. it won't be easy but it will be worth it. This situation is a one way ticket to no place good unless some drastic changes are made that will require some outside help.

But it can get much better than it is.

Right now, this is not only too much for any one person to handle, it's not good for you to continue to try to handle it alone. Nothing he does is your fault, but trying to do this alone enables him to stay stuck and continue to get worse.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please continue reaching out for help. Things can get much better for you. Your gut instinct that this is beyond you and beyond PTSD is spot on. Reach out to the trained professionals in your community, if not for your sake (which is uber important), do it for the sake of your child. Please. There are possible devastating effects his could all have on your child, and you seem like an amazing mom to endure all of this with your child. Take the next step and get some help so you and your child can have he full life you deserve to have.
 
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Welcome!

Can you do research and show him that people indeed heal?

Unfortunately if he refuses to work on healing, you either have to choose to live with him as he is (with symptoms likely getting worse), or choose to leave him.

:hug:
 
Sorry I didn't go into much detail, I guess I don't know where to start. I suppose I will start with the...

I'm sorry, I have to back JustMeHere on this - this isn't just PTSD sweetie, this sounds like domestic abuse. I'm a crisis counselor and speak with victims of emotional abuse and domestic violence every day - what he's doing to you is stalking, controlling behavior and he can't blame that on how he's dealing with a personal trauma. I'm very, very concerned for your safety.

What he's done over the last three years are isolating behaviors - the abuser tries to whittle down all of your resources of support until you only have them to rely on. They'll do this by either alienating your friends with their inappropriate behavior or encouraging (or forcing) you to sever ties with people they say are toxic to the relationship. The fact that he won't even allow you to go see a doctor on your own is telling - and you've said yourself that he's told you as much. He knows that any professional anywhere is going to tell you what I'm about to tell you:

I strongly urge you to get help - PLEASE get help - please get out of there. Mental health conditions aside, everyone deserves to be in a relationship they feel safe and secure in.
 
He is a smart, amazing, caring man underneath all of his trauma and I love him to death but the moments where he is the man I fell in love with and the moments where there is a stranger in his body that is aggressive and manipulative and paranoid. When we first got together I made the mistake of jumping right into my relationship with him and not giving myself to heal after the break with my ex. I ended up cheating on him and broke it off only to get back together a few weeks later when he said he forgave me. 6 months later he proposed and we were married that August. Now Everytime we get in a fight it's thrown in my face and he tells me that because of his damage the thought that I might cheat or that he might lose me triggers him and he gets crazy. I admit that I messed up and I apparently really have no idea how to handle someone having a panic attack, but I want to help him cause I know who he can be. He has never hit me or our son and I'm positive he won't. Some of his first memories are of his father beating his mother and he helped me get my best friend out of a physically abusive relationship. I think if he ever did hit me he would kill himself. He told me last night that a lot of the reason he acts out is because I don't give him enough attention and affection. I just don't know how to overlook the anger and negativity that always seems to surround him in order to be affectionate... I know I don't know how to handle him during an anxiety attack and I think I really only make it worse. We talked about counseling again last night and he won't go alone and I can't go by myself so he agrees to couples counseling because he says I always make him sound like a monster and he should be able to defend himself. I guess that's at least a step forward?
 
I would also like to thank you all for your concern. I have been told these things by a few people but I don't feel like I have exhausted all my options yet even if I feel there are fewer and fewer of them. I can't bring myself to blame him for being broken
 
Welcome to the forum, @Kyraen. I'm so glad you reached out.

Agreeing to couples counseling is a step forward, next step is following through on that.

Supporting someone with any kind of mental disorder can be very challenging, and it does require open communication from both sides to work.

I respect you for saying you can't blame him for being broken. That, in itself, is helpful. But, he does need help, and he is making a decision not to seek it. PTSD, anxiety, depression, and ADHD are all manageable with treatment, and they do not get better without it. I do hope that couples counseling will help him get to a point of seeking the help he needs to better manage his situation.

I have to agree with @Justmehere, this is a dangerous situation you find yourself in, please keep your options open. Your wellbeing, as well as that of your child, is just as important as your husband's. He doesn't need to cross the line of physical abuse for this to leave lasting scars on either you or your son.
 
As a domestic abuse survivor and PTSD sufferer, I am not going to just say that this is not PTSD I am going to scream THIS IS NOT PTSD. THAT IS NOT HYPERVIGILANCE! Parinoia...eh, maybe..but only due to the fear of not having complete control over you.

Believe it or not, the kind of abuse he is putting you through is more psychologically damaging than physical abuse. It isn't going to get better. All abused women long for the sweet charming person their partner used to be. They might even get glimpses of it now and the but as time goes by, those glimpses become less and less frequent.

He told me last night that a lot of the reason he acts out is because I don't give him enough attention and affection.
That is a classic abuser quote if I have ever heard one.

because he says I always make him sound like a monster and he should be able to defend himself.
This one is even more cliche than the first.

If he can't tell you how he needs you to respond to an anxiety attack when he is calm, then give him space. If he tells you, and you do it, but then later on, he tells you that you were wrong, there isn't really much you can do.

To be honest with you I could have written you post with slight variations when I was in the victim in denial headspace as well. Please be careful, because as soon as he gets you in a place where he feels that he has completely isolated you from getting help, the physical abuse is likely to begin. Yes, they all act like hurting their partner would kill them, before they do it, and then they act like having done it is destroying them, at first. You have almost every single red flag warning for future physical violence.
 
What is the reason you can't see an individual counselor or advocate of your own and speak to them for private and professional advice on the situation?

Why must this happen only when he can be there to defend and control?

Couples counseling is a positive step, but he's going (if he goes) to defend. Not to work on changing his behavior. No counseling will work to change his behavior until the consequences of his behavior are so great he's willing to change, not just go to defend.

Plus, a good quality couples counselor will want to speak to you and him alone at some point. Do you think he's willing to allow you to do that with him right there?

This situation is beyond what couples counseling alone can resolve. Yes, is a step, and I think you should go for your sake, not to change him, but get advice on how to handle the situation as it is, one on one, from a trained professional who had the skills to assess and advise about such matters.

Are you able / do you leave the home with your child for needed medical care or social development experiences nessecarily for the child's physical and neurological development and growth?

You have already described serious limiting of your child's activities, and at a very important time in the child's development. It's very concerning.

This situation is likely already affecting your child's development deeply --- that's not your fault --- but it's time to get a team of people to help you all through this. Your child should be able to go play outside with his mother, along with other kids as he grows, as is nessecary for good brain development.

Your husband is not at fault for the trauma but you do your husband an extreme disservice when you take the responsibility and consequences of his bahavior from him.

I'm sure there are many good things about him, as is true with many persons engaged in abusive abd criminal behaviors.

That doesn't change the need for professional intervention, far beyond couples counseling alone. If anything, it makes the need for you to make changes all the greater.

Let's consider what is best for him: right now what he is doing is working just well enough for him to not get help. His fear of getting help, and his fear of all people, is so great he is excessively stalking his wife and limiting the experiences of his child. He's not likely to change simply because anyone tells him he needs too.

He will make changes when what he is doing stops working for him, when the people around him have drawn boundaries to not allow him to continue to do this to people... and/or help is forced on him through the legal system.

Right now, you are unwilling to make changes so that this way of living stops working for him to keep you in his life.

You are far underestimating the power of fear and adrenaline if you think his times of loving you is enough to conquer this, and I have no doubt that he does love you under it all.

Love alone and couples counseling alone isn't enough to conquer mental illness and paranoia and emotional and all the other forms of abuse and control happening. These are perpetrator behaviors, and they are criminal and damaging even if he hasn't hit you.

This may seem strange but it's in his best interest for you to get individual private support and counseling of your own. To freely get the kind of input any supporter in your shoes would need where he doesn't get to sit next to you and try to control and influence what you say, or later throw a fit about it and break your things for saying.

It's worthwhile to continue forward with going to couples counseling and I hope you make the appointment very quickly, and that you have a back up plan in case he should have any excuse for not going himself or once again limiting your ability to go.

Please still consider one on one support for you. That can do wonders to mitigate the damages of such an awful situation.

Right now, by not reaching out for private confidential support for you, and taking back even that small amount of your freedom, let's be real, you are are engaged in actively enabling him to stay sick and not get better. His behavior isn't your fault, so much that you will actually do more game than good if you try to manage his panic for him. He needs a professional treatment team and to take self reaponsibility and he isn't going to do that until you get the support you need to hold boundaries with him and stop enabling him to stay so sick.

If you can't find the courage to reach out for private individual professional advice for yourself or your child's sake, please at least do for it for his sake. Yes his sake.

It is also in the best interest of his wellbeing that you are not isolated form family, friends, and especially private confidential professional support for you - especially because of his trauma history, not in spite of it.

No trauma history it brokenness makes this behavior ok or a good idea to enable it.

If you are not ready to try doing some thing new, then ok, this is your choice -- and you do have some choices here. There are options to get greater professional help or law enforcement intervention for your husband so these very concerning behaviors don't continue to harm you and your child. If he is preventing you from freedom of movement, and you can't call for help, that's kidnapping. Doesn't matter how much a kidnapper loves the person they are restricting from freedom of movement, it's still kidnapping, and professionals can help if you are willing to break the wall of silence and isolation and get professional help.

If and when you are ready. It is your choice. Yours. Not up to him. Only his behavior is up to him, and he is failing to take any rwpaonsibillty for it. Take responsibility for your own choices and only them. Please.
 
Bluntly put: This is not PTSD but rather domestic violence.

He is controlling and abusive. I would get out of that relationship as quickly as possible, especially given that a child is involved.

Don't let him control or abuse you! Whether he, himself, experienced trauma or not, there is absolutely no excuse for abusing others!

Ben
 
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