Sufferer Hello, Ptsd From Domestic Violence And Childhood Emotional Abuse

[Schubert]

Hello,

I have been reading this forum every day for some time and it has been incredibly comforting to know I'm not alone. I recently started therapy, and got formally diagnosed with PTSD two days ago, which is what gave me the courage to introduce myself. My trauma comes from childhood emotional neglect/abuse and many years of domestic violence in adulthood. I am now 40 years old. Two years ago I left the last, worst and longest (10 years) of several abusive relationships. I am now married to a wonderful man, but in spite of this, or maybe because of it (for the first time in my life it feels safe to be scared, if that makes any sense) I'm falling apart emotionally. Terrible nightmares and anxiety. Constantly exhausted. Dissociating. My husband is really sensitive and understanding, ALL the time, I don't know what I've done to deserve him. But I feel terrible he has to deal with all this crap from me, from my past. He says it is fine, he wants to be part of everything that is happening to me, but I still feel guilty.

A weird thing about my situation: My parents have cut me off completely because they can't accept the fact that I started a new relationship. They didn't want to meet my husband, never gave him a chance. They also cut off my 7-year-old daughter, who was closely attached to them. She is heartbroken. My parents' behavior has brought up the childhood issues for me, and has made me realize that they must be very sick people to be able to do this to their grandchild. I myself feel numb about this entire situation. It is so unreal, my parents live less than a kilometer away and we used to have contact several times a week.

So may times in the past I didn´t cry when I should have, but I cry when I read what some of you write here, particularly about the struggle to be "normal". For now I just want to thank all of you for sharing your thoughts and experiences!

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Welcome to the Forum. You have come to a very good place to find lots of people here to help and understand your situation.. So many of us can empathize with each other and some times even sympathize.

Kind regards

Laurie71

 

[Jane.l]

Great to hear you have a supportive , caring partner - you found the right one and power to you for being able to be trusting enough to let him in after all you have been through.

Very hard for your little girl to understand the bizarre actions of your parents - my parents do bizarre things too infact anything other than be supportive but have finally worked out its ok - I am ok without their input some relationships are too triggering , too difficult .

 

[Schubert]

Thank you, Laurie71 :)

And thank you, Jane.I. Yes, bizarre is a good word here.

 

[arfie]

Welcome aboard, Schubert. Sounds like you will fit right in.

A phenom I have experienced over and over during my own recovery is that when I finally give myself to feel a set of feelings I have been repressing, those feelings tend to come on like the deluge of a dam breaking. I go through a phase where they overwhelm every fiber of my being. The good news is that I find myself cleaner and more balanced after the deluge passes. My husband thinks so, too. A supportive partner makes a HUGE difference in the healing journey. Trust is still hard for me, but totally worth the risk.

Whether that fits the "falling apart" you are experiencing, or not, hope you find good things here in the forum.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome. :)

 

[Promicarus]

Welcome to the forum. I identify completely with the "finally feeling feelings once it's safe" phenomenon. I read somewhere that it was found that the Vietnam Vets with the worst PTSD actually didn't begin to experience symptoms until after the longest times, once removed from the war. In many cases, not until 20 years later. Seems that this phenomenon was in play--in other words, their stored trauma was in fact so severe, that they could not afford to experience it at all until many years later, when it had begun to lose some of its rawness and terror. But even then, the trauma was still so significant, that their symptoms were much more debilitating. Those who had little enough damage as trauma to begin to experience it immediately, actually had relatively transient and much less severe symptoms.

Truly, it seems, when we are in so much pain that we cannot afford to feel it, we simply don't--and when we continue to be in dangerous situations, of course, we cannot afford to feel it, yet. But once your body/mind found a place where it could finally begin to unwind, that's just what it did.

He says it is fine, he wants to be part of everything that is happening to me, but I still feel guilty.

How would you feel if he were in pain, and you wanted to be there with him...but he felt miserable in his guilt for your having to be there? Wouldn't you think that was silly...because you WANTED to be there with him...because you love him. It's not a burden, it's an opportunity--to help the one he loves. Put yourself in his position, and see it through his eyes.

You mention the tendency to feel guilty. This is a common reflex in those who've long been victimized. It took me a long long time to identify it in myself. In order to begin to see it clearly enough to move passed it objectively, and cut it's strong, perverse hold on me, I've had to begin thinking of it in terms of an addiction--I'm in fact addicted to shame.

I get a rush out of it. An overwhelming, overpowering sensation is associated with it.

You'd think that you wouldn't be likely to become addicted to something that made you feel so "bad"...but think about it...people continue to become addicted to cocaine, despite that it makes them terribly paranoid. People continue to drink, long passed the time when it still has any real effect on them, to the point that they are only really dealing with the physical fallout of it, and getting none of the positives.

We're become addicted to intensity. It doesn't necessarily have to be intensely good. Any intensity is false, and prevents us from simply and genuinely connecting with actual feelings, and sitting with them. Intensity is a distraction, after all.

Sky divers and other dare devils become addicted to the fear rush--but that couldn't exactly said to be pleasurable in it's purest nature.

But even more insidious, in my case, I realized, was that I had an "upside down" value system.

What do I mean? I mean that I learned to think of something as "good" if it made my parents pleased with me, as a child.
However part of gaining that approval was feeling "appropriately worthless", when they wanted me to display those feelings--whether as a means of discipline, overused--or for the simple glee of watching another creature squirm...
..to me I began to think of myself in terms of finally getting approval from my parents, if I only felt miserable and shameful enough.

So I was unconsciously pursuing this early life association with the "goodness" of my parents approval, with my "duty" to feel bad.

And I indulged this unconscious association even after they were no where in the vicinity, as though on auto pilot.
I was getting my fix, of feeling "worthy" finally, (in the eyes of my parents=good), by making myself feel unworthy, so as to gain that approval, despite the fact that they were long gone! I had been taught so well, I took over my own victimization! But even more perverse--and for so long, unknowingly--I actually got not only the gratification from it associated with childhood duty, but the "intensity rush" that I could wallow in, and so avoid the genuine work of honestly feeling real feelings. I didn't know where to begin at that, after all. I was very familiar with feeling miserable. You know what they say....it may be soft and warm...but it's still sh*t. It's amazing how we'll continue to seek the familiar despite its being painful and miserable. Familiarity is more comfortable than the worse human fear of the unknown. We are creatures of habit.

I wonder if this guilt falls along those same lines? I'm not saying you're a bad person indulging in guilt-mainlining and only using the excuse that you feel bad for your husband in order to do so. Nothing of the sort.

But if you think back to your abuse, how much of it had to do with making you accept cringing feelings of worthlessness in order to finally make your predator happy?

This is all really more of a side note, really. Just wanted to bring something into your view as one survivor to another.
Just trying to open that door, so that you might spare yourself years of shame addiction as I did--even in the absence of my tormentors. And it can be every bit as debilitating and life-robbing as other addictions, I found.

So glad you're here. And glad you've finally found someone you deserve, and who deserves you. Hope you'll continue to post about your experiences with this "outpouring" of stored trauma. There's a book intended to aid in discharging stored trauma through specific exercises, entitled "Waking the Tiger", by Peter Levine. Maybe of some help.
Best wishes.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Shubert,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

Finding this forum can be such a relief when you realize that you are not alone in what you are experiencing....a place where a person knows the people here really understand. As you read through various posts, you will find that many members experience an increase in symptoms or have some type of crisis at the time that life seems to be going the "best". The brain seems to equate "safe" with "time to deal with it all".

Encourage your husband to read and learn all that he can. Its also important that he have his own support as watching someone you love struggle with something does take a toll.

I hope you find the information and support here beneficial to your healing.

Wishing you the best.

Debbie

 

[Schubert]

Thank you arfie, Ayesha and Intothelight :)

Promicarus, I think what you say about "guilt addiction" and the warped value system from parents/earlier abuse is really helpful and well put. This is so important. Guilt steals so much energy. Accept cringing feelings of worthlessness to make my abuser happy... yes, that's exactly what I did so many times. As for my husband, I think I need to simply accept that he is a really good person who really loves me! Sounds like an easy task....

I haven't read "Waking the Tiger", but I have read the book on TRE (Trauma Release Exercises) by David Berceli, and have been doing the exercises regularly since May, with a certified instructor. I felt a real improvement (I started feeling my emotions more) after starting TRE. Sometimes it gets too much, however - the first time I got the trembling/shaking I had a major panic attack out of the blue. One moment I was standing there, feeling normal and kind of amused that my body was moving all by itself, then I stood up, and had a major panic attack out of the blue. After that I have had to be more careful, just doing TRE a little at a time, stopping before I dissociate, which often means just a few seconds. So strange how much is stored in the body. The Berceli book also made sense of many of the physical symptoms I have struggled with for years and years. It was clear from my reactions to the exercises that I needed talk therapy as well, so I got on the waiting list (public health), and got a T a month ago. She seems nice and is willing to see me twice a week. So I'm working on body and mind and hope to get better, but I know it will take time.

Thank you, Promicarus, for your very insightful post. Your words have helped me already. Do you have any experience with trauma release exercises yourself?

 

[Promicarus]

Thank you, Promicarus, for your very insightful post. Your words have helped me already. Do you have any experience with trauma release exercises yourself?

Glad I could be of some help. Glad, also, that you're proactively addressing your PTSD through TREs...although I haven't read Berceli's work yet. (on the list). I think after so long spent in clinched effort to supress and keep locked in the trauma we're now releasing automatically (having reached "full" on the tanks)...it's difficult not to automatically return to the same from of reference, with the same goal, and to begin clinching again, suppressing as soon as we're able, rather than continuing along with the process. It's been a normal instinct for so long, after all. I know that was the case for me, after I'd involuntarily discharged enough trauma so as to begin to regain some control over its flow. Just didn't want to have to deal with it anymore, of course. That had been my M.O. my entire life, after all.

So I'm planning on continuing with the exercises en perpetuity, or at least until I can be sure of having gotten at as much as practically possible, through that route. If you're pulling a bad tooth, why leave it hanging by a corner, when you can be done with it finally?

I did do some trauma releasing exercises at a trauma foundation/retreat for several months. I was told to stop, however, at the time, so didn't progress a great deal further. They were fairly disturbed just by the amounts I was spontaneous discharging on a continuous basis--to the point that they very nearly didn't even accept me at the time, and other patients met to discuss forcing my rejection. So once I had reached at least somewhat of a level, I don't think they saw pushing further as an attractive option. Good times!

So now I'm recovering from the recovery, and ready to start on a more stabilized basis, as a routine. Maybe we could set up a thread, conversation, whatever, where we could compare notes, etc.?

Any takers or other ideas?

Again, so glad you're here, that you and your hubby have found each other, and take such an active part in mutual support. It sounds as though you have a good grasp on what you're facing, and taking good steps. Grateful to get the chance to add anything of value I can, and feel free to PM me anytime.