HELP!! I Need Help Making An Important Decision!

[byare]

Ok all of you lovely people...

I am a violinist who suffers from PTSD. I "came down with" PTSD when I was studying in a college of music for my undergraduate degree. Now (MANY years later) I am trying to get my doctorate in music.

The problem is that I'm a f$%# up mess still. See I tried to perform in front of people today and ended up not able to breathe, with SEVERE flashbacks, sobbing, and totally messed up. I got the courage to "out" myself to my dean and my major professor, but the big question is this...

Should I stay in school or quit?

The reason why I'm asking is because I tried to commit suicide three years ago from the PTSD effects. I got help and got medication and have had very little to no effects for almost two years. I thought I was better (or at least had a hold on things) so I decided to go back to school.

It would really help out my husband and I if I could graduate with the DMA, since I could get a really good job.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!! Why do I have to go back to being a total wreck NOW?!!:mad:

I'm so SAD and ANGRY. If I quit school did I let this get the best of me? Can I "fight through it"? Am I a loser who can't get over it?

God someone help give me some insight PLEASE!:wall:

 

[Deleted member 541]

Welcome to the forum...

Not sure what your trauma was, so I have no idea what triggered you to begin with. it would help if you could give us more info so that we all have a better idea of what you are dealing with.

The best way to deal with your trauma would be with therapy, meds(if you want/need them) and dealing with your trauma and emotions.

 

[2quilt]

Talking it all out in therapy may be hard to do, but it gets the pain out. Medications for depression and PTSD also have helped many people. I am doing these things now, with success. This forum, also, is great because you have now found a whole bunch of people who understand your life. Read this forum and consider making a diary because writing or posting the trauma gets it out of you too.

 

[void]

Byare,

:hello:You are welcome here and we will listen without passing judgment.:smile:

I have C-PTSD and other dx and have been unable to attempt more advanced education because of my illnesses. I am certainly intellectually capable but I am plagued with the consequences of my developmental trauma. I crave academic discovery but have been prevented from same which is a source of great sadness for me.

I have great empathy for the painful dilemma you face and I believe there is no easy answer. Is it possible that there is a middle path between the quit or stay alternatives? Perhaps with therapy, med's and a part-time schedule you could achieve your PhD. I don't know but I am sure you'll make the right decision.

Please feel free to provide more detail about your situation as that may be helpful.

:Hug_emoticon: to you!
Void

 

[rallynut78]

for me trying to do school and work full time put the "S" in PTSD. not that the stress wasn't already there but having not dealt with it it did not take long for it to become unmanageable. now I am working on the PTSD and waiting to go back to school. I have thought a lot about when to start back up. I think I will know when the right time is when it stops being the wrong time. if that makes any sence.

really YOU are the only one who can make the decision.

 

[Dylan]

Hi Byare,

I don't have an answer for you, but I can offer commiseration and empathy....and share a couple of lessons learned (please god, let them be learnED - past tense!) from my own recent (meltdown) experience.

I had been working very hard for about a year and a half on a type of CBT that was working well for me. For the first time in my life I started to actually feel something other than anxiety and depression. I was so excited to "finally get to live". I dove into going to school, I got a promotion, I was taking martial arts, yoga, aerobics, annnnnnnnd..............wipe out! I had the worst episode I've had in probably 15 years. I had to go back to counseling, go on medication, etc. I had to quit everything. I could barely work. This meltdown went on for about 5 months, recovery has taken another 3-4 months, and I'm juuuust now starting to feel a little balance again. I learned the hard way that I ignore the signs and symptoms of increasing stress at my own peril. I was feeling good last May (and I was able to push forward for about 8 months), so it's taken about 9 months to recover.

I am still working with the counselor, and working to learn better balance. Before increasing stress load, I need to pump up my skills and tool-set to handle increased stress, get my symptoms down, AND increase my awareness of - and commitment to responding to - increased symptoms. I don't know what else can be done...but if anyone has a silver bullet then, shoot me now, please! :rolleyes:

One thing I noticed in your post, though, is it sounds black and white (I may have interpreted incorrectly - if so, just ignore this). Do you have to quit entirely? Can you drop a class or two - just to get the stress to a manageable level? My counselor has told me that if I add one thing, I have to subtract another. So if I add a class in, will my spouse help me with laundry? If I add a Hapkido lesson, can I skip yoga that week?

I know that part of my MO is to increase, increase, increase. I have discovered two (often unconscious) motivators behind this. One is that I've been frozen in inaction so much in my life that the minute I feel better I spring into action, trying to get as much living in as I can before I get tripped again and fall on my face. The other is that I interpret stress as energy. To feel engaged and alive, I add more and more stress.

And as maddening as it is, as much as this @#$% thing slows me down, I can't beat myself into feeling safe, into being symptom free.

Anyway, HTH a little bit...if you've got a counselor, the support might help and they might also help with a stress reduction plan of action.

-Dylan

 

[Md_Man]

I don't have a answer for you, however I feel the same way as you, although my life is very different, I am torn between quiting work and getting SSDI to be able to get myself help or trying to "Fight through it"

I just wanted to drop a message in here to say, you're not the only one, so youre not alone, I hope you talk more.. and I pray we all get better