Relationship Help! I'm Sinking.

[jill smith]

Sorry I am not discounting your opinion I just find it difficult to believe she is manipulating me.

 

[Sweetpea76]

She is blaming you for everything, and you are buying it. The problem isn't that you're emotional. Normal people get emotional when their partners are mean and lash out at them. The problem is that she's symptomatic. Her smoking up a place is her own fault... I'm a smoker myself and I have no sympathy for that one. If she acted like a baby about that and argued with you after YOU fixed the housing situation, that's her fault too. You acted like a responsible grown up.

Don't let her convince you into thinking you're the one with problems. That you are the one making all the trouble. SHE is making a whole lot of the problems. Is she symptomatic and having a hard time? Yes. She's still responsible for her own actions.

Tooooooooo many supporters fall for this line. I did it myself. It. Is. Crazymaking.

Have compassion. Try to be supportive and help her. Do NOT take the blame and think it's all you.

 

[Justmehere]

My husband had always been good with dates and numbers. Lately he can't remember our address, his social security number or phone numbers he's known for years.

It might be worthwhile to get a neuropsychologist evaluation to be sure the cognitive/memory difficulties line up with dissociation from PTSD. If he has a TBI, it could be that - but the recent onset without a TBI suggests it is the medication and PTSD. It's good the doc you are seeing can connect it to the medication and starting therapy, but when the symptoms get to the point he can't function to take care of his basic daily needs like brushing his teeth, then something needs to be tweaked.

My husband's therapist has now suggested my husband dig in deep into what's caused his PTSD by emerging into sessions of hypnosis that is especially for PTSD patients. Has anyone heard of this form of treatment for PTSD?

If a dramatic decline in ability to function and a big spike in memory loss occurs, due to trauma therapy, to the point that someone is not able to manage themselves, then diving deeper into processing trauma is usually contra-indicated. Trauma therapy should be paced and the first portion of it is usually all about gaining coping tools and stability because things usually do get worse before they get better when working with the trauma itself. I'm a little concerned this therapist wants to dive deeper and stir more up, when your husband doesn't have the stability or coping tools to function now.

Hyponosis can be used in conjunction with psychodynamic therapy. I did a lot of research in it myself when someone proposed it early on to me in treatment. In the end, I decided it wasn't the right type of therapy for me. It's generally not a quick fix and it will generally risk further destabilization. I also know it has deeply helped other people, and if your husband and the therapist want to give it a try, it could help.

There are a handful of different therapies out there, and not every type is for everyone. It might be worth getting a second opinion from a trauma therapist and to have another doc assess the course of medication.

Which is more work, and probably the last thing you wanted to read. It is also perfectly reasonable to stick this course of treatment out and see how it works over more time. My heart really goes out to you. :hug:

 

[jill smith]

She is blaming you for everything, and you are buying it. The problem isn't that you're emotional. N...

Hi, whilst I wanted to believe that you where wrong about my partner I now see by her continuing behaviour that your not wrong. After a week of no contact being her choice she re engaged contact last friday. We had a pleasant evening all.be it a little strained initially. The end of the evening was a bit of a disaster I was trying to chat about the communication book I have been readinf NVC its really good. Anyway tried to relate it toone of the situations we has found difficult and it just went downhill. I made a comment about none of our situation being anyones fault to which she came back with it is a bit your fault. We then where at cross purposes I talking about the whole situation she about her having to leave our home. This continuing into Saturday via texts all day. I do accept that it is my fault she had to leave because I wasnt coping how she needed me to. I have told her that. Eventually after me not engaging in more negative communication it improved. At one point I was letting her know I wanted to help her more financially but I dont have a lot of money and explained why. She had bought me some groceries few weeks prior and this weekend at one point became angry that I hadn't been quick to re emburce her. I apologised as it was an oversite given she had wanted no contact. So from that she sent me an artificial to read about emotional manipulation saying my comments about not having much money had been emotional manipulation. Realizing it was fruitless to argue I thanked her for pointing me to the article I had read it it was enlightening but I didnt agree with all the said but thats ok. It seemed to go down well no further debate or discord. We had further time together over the weekend which was relaxed. I have a gut issue when stressed or over indulge. Its been playing up with stress now today my partner has accused me of lying saying I had neen drinking gin last week while we had no contact and she saw the bottle contents go down daily when she visited the flat in my absence. I had a bottle of gin with 1/3in it on the sunday I had 3drinks from it nothing rest of the week.it has about half 1/3 left. She is insisting I am lying and thats why my gut is playing up not stress. It came out of the blue this morning in a text and now she says she doesn't think I can deliver trust and is cutting contact till speaks to her therapist. I read that at work and just couldn't cope with how upset it made me feel. My boss was great talked to me for ages and sent me home. Told me to stay off rest of the week and phone my family doctor for an appointment. I spoke to the dr on the phone having never met her she was really good telling me I was obviously doing all I can to support my partner but it is now making me unwell I need to protect myself.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sometimes when they're symptomatic there is nothing you can do "right". You're the designated asshole, and everything you do is going to be wrong. You can do backflips while reciting Icelandic Sagas because they asked you to do so... guess what? It's still going to be wrong and your fault.

They're in self preservation mode. You're close to them, and therefore you are dangerous. They are analyzing everything you do (and say) and they are looking for red flags and warnings... Trying to scope out all personality flaws and bad habits. Thinking you're a narcissist, or a drunk, or a slut, or a gold digger.... on and on and on. They will play scenarios in their heads until you are Voldemort, it doesn't matter if you're just sitting there twiddling your thumbs. When they get like this, just remember, you are close, so you are dangerous.

It's not your fault. Let it roll off. Easier said than done I know... but you are making yourself nuts trying to make her happy when NOTHING is going to make her happy.

It's not your fault.

 

[Snowflakes]

@Sweetpea76 ....I have to ask. @jill smith writes that her sufferer doesn't trust her. Does this mean her sufferer does trust her when she is not symptomatic? I can somewhat understand the designated asshole part but lack of trust seems to be impossible to "let it roll off." Like @jill smith Im just trying to wrap my head around this. This is an honest question from my heart.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Well, I look at it this way... if I'm not doing anything to break my sufferer's trust, it's a "him" issue and not a "me" issue. Like if I'm bending over backwards and tiptoeing around and he's still not trusting me, he's having trust issues.

If they've been together for awhile and there wasn't an issue before, and she is respecting her boundaries, then I'd say it was because her sufferer was symptomatic.

Also, if her sufferer is saying she doesn't trust her because she is having a normal human reaction, like getting upset during an argument, then I'd say that was symptomatic too.

If the supporter isn't respecting reasonable boundaries and makes a habit of it, then that is their fault.

 

[jill smith]

Sometimes when they're symptomatic there is nothing you can do "right". You're the designated assho...

Thank you

 

[jill smith]

@Sweetpea76 ....I have to ask. @jill smith writes that her suf...

The trust thing is difficult to let roll off as I am not lying.I cannot like I have done when with other accusations just brush round it. I didnt lie but she insists I did and it means I can't deliver trust...her words. So this is different, every accusation she believes is true, my emotional responses making her leave our home..my way of telling her I had little money being emotional manipulation..she believes they are true and I haven't disagreed with her because its the way she feels. But accusing me of something I haven't done feels like an impossible thing to just address. Reluctantly I see distance is needed for the moment despite my feelings of guilt and anxiety that she may just chiose to end our relationship. However right now I dont see I have any other choice if I am to minimise damage to my own health.

 

[Snowflakes]

@Sweetpea76 Thank you for your reply. I had a session today with my therapist and I asked her the same thing and her reply was identical to yours. Your reply meant a lot to me since I've been here longer than I've gone to therapy so, in a very real sense, you know who I am better than my therapist. Over time, my therapist will catch up :)

@jill smith You are on the same path I was. Mine did leave and now I am "putting on my own oxygen mask" and recovering what I lost during this roller coaster ride. It is possible she may want to come back but, if she does, your experiences and @Sweetpea76 advice to you and to me has made a huge difference in my life.

Thank you both :hug:

 

[Sweetpea76]

@jill smith dont roll over. You know you aren't lying. She's being ridiculous. She's not a child, she wanted to move out, she shouldn't expect your help financially. You telling her the truth, that you cannot afford it, is not a manipulation. You stated a fact and she's having a hissy fit.

You feeling guilt for that is making you sick. When I say "let it roll off", it is things like this I'm talking about. There are times my sufferer does things that make me say "wtf????". I used to take it all to heart and feel guilt. Now I realize that he is mentally ill. He does and thinks things that have no basis in reality at times. It is going on in his head. It's not true just because he thinks it. The emotions are valid, but the basis for them can very well be bullshit. He is the only one responsible for his emotions. I am not responsible. I HAVE to let things roll off or I'm going to make myself insane.

 

[jill smith]

This roller coaster continues. My partner now says we have to agree to disagree over the last situation regarding "did I drink the gin or not" sounds ridiculous even saying it but I have let it go by saying I agree I dont want to enter in to discussion about it again.
She is having an extremely difficult week...invasive health investigations linked with cause of her ptsd which she didn't want me to go with her as she has previously. She part of her job she enjoyed most and was a step up has been removed and replaced with someone else as she is off sick. She is going to half her salery in a few weeks. She blames me for being off sick now as she was trying to go back to work when we had to leave the flat and things where difficult again between us so she didnt go back to work and moved out as you may remember saying it was making her worse being around me. She is in supported accommodation as she declared herself homeless and there are restrictions there so whilst its not hospital or prison it is like an institution of sorts. Warden, no visitors and she can only stay out overnight twice pr week. So massive changes for her. I am learning how to not react and use a different way to communicate effectively however the damage feels done. Having said that she still wants a relationship with me although to be honest it doesn't feel like one right now. She sent me a message in the middle of the night saying she does have trust issues with me and doesnt know how to fix them. It was unsettling to read but I didnt react. I later responded by thanking her for sharing that with me, its helpful I know and I will talk with my counsellor today. I also asked if when she is able to could she expand a little and write down for me what the trust issues are but no hurry. I am doing all I can to give her my help but I am addressing my own needs now I have to. Then I feel overwhelmed with sadness because I love her and just want both our lives to be better and together. Its early days.