Help Needed To Not Make Situation Worse

[Livy's Mom]

So in a nutshell I'm looking for sufferers and supporters to give me their insight and guidance on how to handle an upcoming situation.

Short version long term relationship, have a 3 year old together. This is our 3rd "abandonment" episode.

He is an Alcoholic, PTSD from childhood sexual abuse and combat.

Anyway, it's been two months since he left. The usual I don't love you type of stuff. I support as much as I can and continue to learn so throughout I have been very removed and not been emotional (to him) or aggressive in any way. I never reach out and I don't talk negatively about him.

He has seen his daughter maybe 5 times and provided nothing financially. I made zero moves toward support or any court filings. Just a gut feeling that it was not the right time.

He remained away and aggressive. Blaming me and so on. I continued to just move forward with my daughter and live.

So let's cut to yesterday my daughter for the first time REALLY said some things in regards to his absence. Up until now it's been very casual, like she understands he's not here but doesn't quite get it.

Well last night she started to cry and said I can't find daddy, he's gone and asked me if I could find him.

Obviously that sent me into emotional explosion mode so I reached out to my mother and his for guidance.

On top of him leaving us in the dust, last Wednesday I was in an accident and lost my vehicle and am injured. I STILL didn't reach out to him.

They BOTH contacted him. Last night.

They told him about everything that has been going on with my dUghter and my accident. He said he would have been here had he known. Pffft!

So he had a lot to say to the mothers and essentially said he wants to talk about how to move forward "with our daughter" and realizes he has made this harder. He said he realizes he "lost" and now I can just set the terms...

I know I should be relieved and say well good lets just sit down and have a nice chat about what we should do with her but I'm flipping mad. I don't want to sit down and be rational anymore!!!

I want to sit down and say here are my terms... Get help!

I know that is not an option but I can't stand the fact that after what we have been going through I'm supposed to sit there and pretend I had anything to do with it or that it even needs to happen at all!!

I know I left out details you will need in order to help me find the right way to handle this so ask any questions you need to.

I don't want to make the situation worse but I really want to!

He wants to talk tonight and I just want to burn the house to the ground.

The mothers think I'm being selfish and should be great full he's open to talking. How on earth do I get there!

 

[desiderata310]

Lawyer up. Let them do the talking
PTSD is no excuse for acting like an ass. You can talk to a lawyer about making mandatory therapy part of the conditions of visitation

 

[KwanYingirl]

What? They're saying you're the problem?? And he gets off by saying he "lost" like a relationship and fatherhood is a competition. Typical alcoholic thinking. He sounds explosive. If you let him see your daughter make sure he's supervised. He sounds like he'd have no responsibility to provide for her. And how can you possibly trust that he won't drink and drive with her in his car?

The mothers are enablers. You have to set the conditions as long as he is in denial about his alcoholism. Help for him abounds. If he won't man up and help you financially then he's not trustworthy. You can absolutely tell him "no treatment, no visitation". Listen, he had to hear about your struggles third hand. And then he just casually says if he knew he would've helped. But has he called you? No. Childhood abuse and PTSD don't confer upon the sufferer a ticket to abandon his child. This guy needs to get help if he expects to see her. You have to protect her at all costs. You can be honest with her. No enabling or pretending that he gives a flying f*ck about the two of you. You and your daughter deserve love, peace, and justice. Is he providing any of that? No. AA is free and he has no excuse not to get help or act responsibly. My heart goes out to you. Stay strong. You can do it. Your anger is justified (but please don't burn down your house!)

 

[Purplemunchkin]

Oh sweetie, I'm sorry it's all so difficult, and really sorry to hear about your accident. I hope you heal quickly, and the insurance sorts you a car solution soon.

This confused me a bit:

now I can just set the terms

But:

He wants to talk tonight

So how is that you setting the terms? Surely that is him doing his usual short notice 'this is what I want to happen' thing?

I made zero moves toward support or any court filings. Just a gut feeling that it was not the right time.

But it is the right time for you and your daughter. He walked away, so he chose not to make himself a priority in your life.

:hug:

 

[Intrepid]

So how is that you setting the terms? Surely that is him doing his usual short notice 'this is what I want to happen' thing?

Yes. Set the terms. If he agrees to anything, it probably won't happen, but at least you did your part. If he does his part, that's wonderful. If not, that can be expected, given his history. (He sounds like my ex wife. Her combat was 3 years in the foster care system).

The very, very sad truth is that people don't change. This poor guy is really trapped. He doesn't have what it takes to be a father. You can't change that. It's okay that you can't. It's totally normal that you can't.

 

[Livy's Mom]

I have considered the "you can't see her without therapy" option but I get a lot of feedback saying that is me trying to manipulate the situation. Not accepting the end of the relationship and not according he doesn't want help... On and on.

I would like to clarify that I am NOT afraid for my daughters safety with him. At all.

Yes he abandoned her and I and HIS own house but he was and is capable of not drinking and driving with her.

I am torn on whether his current metal state is harmful to her. I really don't know. Just because someone has PTSD and abandons and isolated, does that make them unfit to be a parent in any capacity?? That's an honest question.

 

[Livy's Mom]

I feel that a barely there relationship with her is worse than nothing at all but I'm honest with myself that my judgment may be clouded by my own hurt feelings.

I just want to make this as easy as possible for her and I. I won't burn the house down today. Maybe tomorrow after our "chat" lol

 

[Justmehere]

I agree with the suggestion to consult with an attorney. It would be wonderful if you could set it up so that the courts mandate therapy. Even if you don't go that far, consulting with an attorney will go a long ways to protect you and your daughter as well.

I want to sit down and say here are my terms... Get help!

Those sound like excellent terms. So are "be sober" and "no aggressive behaviors."

It is NOT manipulative to set boundaries and limits on what behaviors you will and will not allow, and what needs to change.You are stating what you need in order for him to be in your life and in your daughter's life.

Alcoholism is not just drinking and driving drunk. It comes with a lot of other behaviors that are not beneficial to children. Look up the term "dry drunk" for more info. My father's drinking was a symptom of deeper problems that we were all having to deal with. His drinking never harmed me, and he never drove drunk. I don't remember any time that he harmed me while drunk. But his alcoholism destroyed my childhood, and he never left my mom. He stayed physically there.

Repeatedly abandoning and isolating, that in and of its self can lead to devastating effects on a child, but generally is not seen by courts in the US to make someone an "unfit parent" unless there are safety issues involved.

He won't likely get help until the pain of what he is doing now is greater than his fear of finally facing the trauma he is trying to escape from.

Don't enable his attempts to ignore the consequences of his drinking and acting out. It won't help him or your daughter or you. You are doing a good job handling everything on your plate. I hope you heal fast from the car accident. :hug:

 

[Justmehere]

I feel that a barely there relationship with her is worse than nothing at all but I'm honest with myself that my judgment may be clouded by my own hurt feelings.

Abandonment of children affects the development of attachment and subsequently the ability to regulate emotions. The fact that your daughter has you there, steady and present, will go a long ways to protect her from any effects from her dad abandoning her.

Secure attachment is built not so much on having a parent physically present, but the parent being emotionally responsive and available. People who are not in recovery yet from alcoholism are typically not very emotionally responsive. They tend to be numbed out or very emotionally reactive - which you experience in the form of aggressive behaviors.

A barely there relationship vs no relationship at all? It would be hard to say which is better or worse, and it may not matter. He seems to care enough to not fully walk away from her. He's not likely to lose all legal rights to visit his daughter unless he is a risk to physical safety and you can prove he is an unfit parent (which he may or may not be.) Shoot for what you do want: him getting help and really being there and present for your daughter.

When you talk to him, don't judge or pathologize him, but also don't ignore your instincts: focus on what you already know that you and your daughter really need.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

I read your post and I couldn't NOT say something. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. You need some support so you can be there for your little girl.

I am sorry to hear about your little girl's father too. Having suffered sexual abuse as a child and being in combat is certainly a heavy load to be carrying. He is ultimately responsible for how he copes. The best you can do there, if you want to, is to see what help is available for him and where and simply provide him with the information. The rest is out of your hands.

The main concern right now is your little girl and what is best for her. Her daddy is sick, and it sounds like it might be unhealthy for him to be around her without supervision (if at all) so him being away could be a good thing.

I realize me suggesting you have to put your emotions aside is much easier said than done but for right now that is what you have to do. You have to be strong and do the right thing for your daughter.

I don't know how you manage financially and it is best have the legal system take care of that. Not in an angry/threatening way, just to keep everything simple and above board. Don't feel like you are taking anything away from him or that it is an aggressive act. It is not. It is you being a responsible parent to your little girl.

It does not sound like you have adequate support. You really need support and there are groups that can help you. Al Anon and NAMI are two that pop into my head immediately but there are others. Keep looking and going until you find what works for you. It maybe helpful for you to get some counseling as well. Raising a child has so many joys. It is also hard work and requires making hard choices. Getting counseling could help you understand and sort out those choices. It could help you understand how his illness is affecting you and your daughter.

I wish you all the best and be safe.

 

[Livy's Mom]

Thank you everyone. All VERY helpful and insightful replies.

My gut tells me to push for him to get help but I feel it's a fools errand. When we speak tonight I will open with that and if I receive the cold no, I will move on to what I feel is appropriate although I'm still not sure what is appropriate.

 

[scout86]

My gut tells me to push for him to get help but I feel it's a fools errand.

I can see a difference between telling him that you wish he would get help because...... (You're concerned about the effect on your daughter or what ever) and just making it a condition for something else. One is an opinion, the other is an order. You have to look out for your daughter, true, but bossing him around, even if you know better than he does (or think you do) doesn't seem like part of your job description. We can all "want" what ever we want. Doesn't mean anyone else has to care, unless they choose to.

So he had a lot to say to the mothers and essentially said he wants to talk about how to move forward "with our daughter" and realizes he has made this harder. He said he realizes he "lost" and now I can just set the terms..

Just curious. If we assume he's telling the truth, what could he have said that would be better than that? Do you think he's lying?

but I'm flipping mad. I don't want to sit down and be rational anymore!!!

This is going to be a problem, but it sounds like you get that. Might be a good reason to back off the date for your discussion. (Hostage negotiators recommend deescalation as much as possible. "Time" is your friend.) Maybe he and your daughter could go to a movie or out to eat tonight and the 2 of your could talk when you've thought things through and are sure of what you want to say? (And had a chance to talk to a lawyer?)

I'll be honest here. I think we all see this stuff through the filter of our own experiences. That's valuable. But, sometimes, it's not accurate or relevant. When I try to put myself in HIS place, I can easily see that moment when I realize that I've F'd up, big time, AGAIN and want to do damage control. And really mean it. The next step after that is to come to terms with the fact that "this time you f'd up beyond all repair". Been there, done that, not pretty. When I put myself in the place of your DAUGHTER, we run into a vastly different scenario. I used to fantasize that my parents would split up and I'd get to go with my dad. "Mom without dad"? That's my very definition of hell. So I'm inclined to try to see him as "not the bad guy". I'm not saying he's handled this well. He hasn't. But maybe he actually HAS handled it as well as he's been able to? That doesn't mean you have to stay married, or are willing to deal with it forever, or should have to, or anything. Just that maybe he deserves a bit of "benefit of the doubt"?

As far as how available he's been for his daughter of late. Everyone who's thought/said/ done "They're better off without me, no matter how I feel, I need to avoid them for their own good" please raise your hand. (Mine's up.)