Help! Opened Up To A Friend And They've Shut Me Out!

[SwordsPandaGirl]

I'm sorry if this is posted in the wrong place but I wasn't sure where to post and I felt this was the most appropriate place.

Please help me. I have this friend who I was starting to open up to about my abuse and I was feeling amazing as I had someone I could go to when things were getting bad. They were my support system and It was such a great feeling. Anyway, they told me I could tell them anything and urged me to talk about my abuse as much or as little as I wanted. I don't usually talk about it and I've never been good with sharing. In fact this is the fist post I've made on the forum (apart from introduction) as I'm not good at talking about myself and my thoughts/feelings. However today I had a flashback, I've had this one before but this time it was more detailed and I was shaken up by it. I started talking to my friend about it and she told me to tell her details about it and even asked questions to try and help me open up more. So I did. For the very first time ever I shared details about my abuse, I told her his relationship to me and how devastating it was. I shared the start of the memory and a detail (which I consider to be small, compared to the rest of the memory) but took a lot for me to say. She then told me that she was sorry and that she couldn't take it at the moment and can't take the details.

This really crushed me. I've never opened up to anyone like that before and its tore me to pieces. I don't blame her as I know it must be difficult having never experienced anything like that and having to hear such information. My worry is that ill lose her as a friend. I'm concerned to tell others, for this reaction and that I'll forever have to live through this alone as no one will be able to handle the abuse I've lived through. It took a lot for me to tell her in the first place, I don't think I can go through the pain again. I can't stop crying and I feel completely out of control with my life at the moment. I don't know who to turn to or what to do and feel like there is no one here, like I have to relive all this trauma again and again, like going through it the first time wasn't enough. Only this time its worse because I can't run and hide or dissociate whist its taking place. I have to live through the flashbacks out of my own free will and it's not fair! This is going to sound crazy but whilst the abuse was occurring (it was my uncle that abused me) he was the only person that would listen to me and stuff and its sending me mixed signals because at least he talked to me? as much as I hated the abuse (happened for 11 years) and although I was too young to understand what was happening, he was the only one out of my family that would talk to me and give me attention. Now, I have no one. I don't wish for the abuse to be occurring again, that was a painful part of my life that I don't want to go through again but the point I'm making is that I had him (even if it was in a screwed up way), where as now I have nothing. I feel so isolated from my family and alone all the time. When I opened up to the only person I felt I could, they shut me out and now I feel worse than I have for a while.

Please can someone help me, or relate? I'm sorry for venting so much but as I write this I'm literally shaking and in tears and don't know what to do or where else to turn to. I can't go through this alone :'(

 

[J_trustno1]

Hi @SwordsMistress, Really sorry to hear what has happened to you. I can totally relate to what you have gone through. I'll give a brief description of a friend who shut me up. She told me that she is not my therapy sessions and she feels as if i am using her as a therapist. I've never turned back to her. Then the male friends I had told this to, tried to take advantage of. One did by trying to become my boyfriend for 4 days but when I refused him being touchy he dumped me and later I discovered that he already had a girlfriend and was only after pleasure from me. Anyway, the next that happened was even more horrible, I was friends with this guy who was married and he became all friendly to me when I was going through that dumping situation by the other guy. This guy and his wife were planning on a threesome with me!! This is a real story. But I was lucky to escape sexual encounter both times. There was so much going on my life last year besides my study last year but I somehow managed to escape out of it all. I then tried opening up to a doctor who started labeling me and was telling me not to sleep around!! Huh!!! that pissed me off because I've never had sex in my life ever since I was molested at the age of 9.


Anyway, the point I'm trying to get here is that, in real life no body gives a damn about other people. We deal with cold world. Not trying to dishearten you but that is the reality at least what I have seen. I know it hurts when you try opening up to someone and they disappear at you. It has happened a lot to me last year, I had friend abandoning me whenever they heard of my past. They would never contact me. The best advice I would give you is that maintain a superficial relationship with this so called friend of yours. She will not understand your pain because she maybe going through bad time herself or she hasn't experienced anything like you have in your past. The best thing you can do it share you sorrows in this forum but don't trust people too quickly because you never know what their intentions are to be honest. Next thing, you can see a GP and ask him/her to see a qualified psychologist. You gotta show the world that you are a brave lady so that you don't get predators around you. I've done this last year, I've tried sharing it with others and I've already discussed the results above. Now I maintain a superficial and happy looking image with the outside world. I have met some great people on this forum who are more understanding than even my own family. Lastly, you don't have to be friends with your abusers. I'd suggest avoid them like a plague. Also stay away from negative and toxic people.

You can PM me if you need to talk about something. I'm more than happy to give you a helping hand. Hope this is fine with you.

 

[arfie]

I give those mixed signals lots and lots of time to sort themselves out. There are allot of variables involved, both inside my own PTSD factors and the other person's humanity and life. Your friend deserves the opportunity to explain her side when she is ready to do so.

Please don't be sorry for venting. It is often helpful and you are right in not wanting to sort it alone. I know my own head is not a safe neighborhood to travel alone.

 

[SwordsPandaGirl]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read this! and for the advice.


@jess_trustno1

no body gives a damn about other people

Yes I'm starting to see this and completely agree. Ebveryone seems to be very selfish and as you said, only care about themselves :( I'm sorry to hear about what you went through last year, I wish people weren't like that, especially guys. I'm a little biased though as I'm scared of men and don't trust them but I think that's just a reaction to the abuse.

 

[J_trustno1]

@SwordsMistress : I also have a fear of men that is why never been in any relationship. I freeze whenever a guy hugs me!

 

[Ryn]

Hey, @SwordsMistress. First of all, hugs if you want them. :hug: I hope you can try to ground yourself and take some deep, calming breaths.

I'm so sorry that this has happened. I remember a similar situation happening to me with a very close friend - I went to her for support, she assured me over and over that she could handle me and whatever I had to say, and when I finally released some of my deepest feelings and fears, they proved very overwhelming for her and she was forced to retreat. I was devastated - I felt so isolated and shattered and above all guilty. I felt like I was too much for anyone to deal with. I sense you might be feeling something like this too.

Two things come to mind. One, I'm not sure of your situation - are you seeing a therapist? For me, I was in therapy off-and-on and avoided it for a while - it was during that time that I relied on my friend so closely and the situation I mentioned above happened. Having a good therapist was a huge relief for me - she provides a trained listening ear who will not abandon me or be too overwhelmed by what I share.

Two, you don't go into a lot of details about what exactly your friend did by shutting you out:

She then told me that she was sorry and that she couldn't take it at the moment and can't take the details.

There may be more to the situation that you haven't gone into, but from the above quote alone, I don't think you necessarily need to assume you will lose her as a friend. It's very unfortunate that she backed out like this, and I know how horribly hurtful it is to hear that as the one who ventured to share this incredibly personal stuff, but it could be she was just ill-prepared for hearing it. That is NOT your fault and does not mean you did anything wrong. Rather, it is a mistake on her part to assume she could handle anything you threw at her. That also doesn't necessarily make her a bad friend - when my friend was in this situation, she was just very concerned about me, loved me very much, and wanted to help me even if it meant sacrificing herself. Sometimes people who love us put themselves in the "saviour" role with the best of intentions, but in the end it is not healthy for either of us.

Unfortunately, while our friends can be great listeners, most of the time they are just not therapists and haven't been trained to process this. Especially if they care about us, hearing about the horrible things people have done to us can be very hard. If you're like me, the first thing you might jump to is guilt for sharing at all, but you must not do so. You deserve to be heard and your voice is important. There will always be setbacks like this and difficulties within relationships, but there are also safe places to divulge these memories - specifically, therapy.

Just because your friend could not handle the details of your abuse does not mean she cannot handle you. I do know it feels that way sometimes. I would encourage you to not lose hope with the friendship; perhaps your roles just need to be adjusted a little is all. In the meantime, take care of yourself. Remember: you are not bad for talking. Your silence deserves to be broken. And most importantly, you are NOT what happened to you.

I just want to share a tiny bit more about what ended up happening with my friend, in case it gives you hope. I went through a very dark period in which my friend kept insisting she could handle it, and I kept relying on her, but eventually it was a vicious cycle that was wearing us both down. I got back into therapy, thought maybe things would work out, and then she told me she needed a break. (Of course, with my abandonment issues, I was absolutely devastated and terrified.) So we had a period of no-contact for what ended up being several months, in which we both struggled a lot and tried to work out our separate issues. This time of silence was very hard for me. But in the end? I am so glad she did that; it is the best and kindest thing she could have ever done for me. Since then, we have been restoring our relationship and it is a MUCH happier and healthier, if a little more distant, one. I know that I can rely on her if I need, and that she will still be there to listen. But personally, I have learned that in most cases, or at least for now, the more explicit details of abuse should be for myself and my therapist. NOT because they are too dirty and shameful for others to handle, but just because my therapist is the one trained to deal with them and help me through them, and in the end, that is best for me and my friend.

That was a long post, I apologise - most of all, I hope you can feel a bit calmer and know that all may not be lost. Hang in there!

 

[J_trustno1]

@Ryn : wow, very wise. I'm sorry if my view on things was negative and I am not telling you to give up your friendship but don't share too much information. Ryn is right because she is not a trained therapist but it is sad how some people actually back out. I had it happening a lot last year. I also get into those guilt trips when someone abandon me and sharing about myself to them. But don't feel guilty. You didn't do anything wrong.

 

[SwordsPandaGirl]

@Ryn *hugs* Thank you for the advice and sorry that you have been through a similar situation, it is very painful but I am glad you're friendship is much better now that it was.

are you seeing a therapist?

Yes I am, I'm seeing my University counsellor (not as regularly as I should) more on and off as sometimes I feel to scared to go back, which is a bad habit I guess.

what exactly your friend did by shutting you out

She just told me that she thought she could handle it but she can't and that she felt bad because she was the one telling me that it was ok for me to talk to her about this stuff and trying to get me to open up more about the abuse but she just can't handle it like she thought she could.

you are NOT what happened to you.

That is sadly how I think of it. My therapist has told me the same thing but it is so difficult to think otherwise. The abuse has made me who I am today and I hate him for it. The problem is I have an issue with differentiating myself from that if that makes any sense? Like PTSD and my abuse has literally taken over my life.

guilt for sharing

That does happen and I do feel like that too. Like you said, I shouldn't and the logical side of me is saying that I should feel that way but then my feelings say different.

Thank you so much for your time in reading my long thread and helping me through this with your advice. I love this forum and it's helped me in knowing that I am not alone. You're all so caring and supporting, Thank you! xxx

 

[Ryn]

She just told me that she thought she could handle it but she can't and that she felt bad because she was the one telling me that it was ok for me to talk to her about this stuff and trying to get me to open up more about the abuse but she just can't handle it like she thought she could.

I think this is a reasonable response, even though it is of course inconvenient and unfortunate and very hard for you. Maybe give her some time and hopefully you two will be able to work things out. I am hoping she will not ditch the whole relationship and realise that there are plenty of other ways she can support you. Don't give up hope! x

The abuse has made me who I am today and I hate him for it. The problem is I have an issue with differentiating myself from that if that makes any sense? Like PTSD and my abuse has literally taken over my life.

Yes, I understand. I often feel the same way, especially since my abuse happened at such a young age - I literally can't remember anything before it. It's really hard to separate ourselves from this when it is true that in some sense we have been irrevocably changed by it. I hope you can talk to your counsellor about this - they are generally trained to help us work out some of these negative cognitions and change our thinking patterns to more positive ones.

 

[cherryblossom]

@SwordsMistress - your friend sounds amazing. I know that her reaction to you opening up was not what you wanted to hear. But she is very honest. She wanted to help you, and then discovered that it was too difficult for her. Instead of offering platitudes, and retreating, she told you the truth. Honesty in a friendship is so important. It's tough to hear that our trauma is too overwhelming for our friends to hear about, but I'm sure your friendship can be salvaged. She has said that she feels bad about what has happened. Talk to her, and between you, find ways that she can support you.

I have a great friend, but for me, he can be a little overwhelming with his opinions about what he thinks I 'should' do. Sometimes I can handle that, other times I can't. Last week, I just needed to get out of the house, and do something 'normal', so I asked him to come over, and go out, so long as we didn't talk about my recent trauma. He totally respected that, and even when I became upset, he didn't push me to talk about it, he just did as I asked and took me home. I know him well enough to know that it must have been pretty difficult for him to do all that, because talking stuff through is what he likes to do, whilst offering his opinions about how to move forward. But he also knew how important it was for me at that time to try to do something 'normal' with no pressure.

All I'm saying is that there are other ways your friend can support you. She tried to do what she thought would help you, and what she thought she could manage, but it didn't work out. That doesn't make it the end of your friendship, because you obviously care about each other a lot.

Perhaps try to use your therapist more, for talking about the really tough stuff, and use your friend as a friend. Maybe plan some nice things with your friend. Shopping, a movie, chit chat over coffee, girly night in. I don't know, but you both feel bad right now, and could do with something nice to boost you both. Just talk to her, I'm sure she will be happy to hear from you.

 

[billie]

Yeah, I'm not too sure how safe I am but I have only confinded to people I have met here besides my drs. There are some good sticks here once you get to know a few. In real life, well that is too scary for me at this time...... maybe one day. Good luck hun.

 

[SwordsPandaGirl]

Thank you so much for the advice everyone. We haven't really spoken at all today, even when I've tried to engage with her on small talk. I think I'll just give her space for a while hopefully things will get better. I had a therapy session today also and although it was the hardest one I've ever had to this point, it's also felt like the most fulfilling one. I've never been able to cry in front of anyone and today I just let it all out. My T was very proud of me for having opened up as much as I have and especially being honest.

I would like to thank everyone for helping me and advising me yesterday. Your words are very kind and have helped more than I could have imagined. I especially want to give my gratitude to this forum in general as without it, I don't know how I would be coping. x