Help! What Can I Do?

[mamachick]

I understand Junebug. I had the wrath of my sisters when our mother died. they didnt like the minister, someones name was spelled wrong in the paper, etc . Who will be going with you? (husband, bf, good friend)?
It would be nice for that person to advocate for you a bit that day, as an insulator, protector. Sometimes people have more difficulty being critical when their target has a "nurturing body guard" beside them at all times. Hugs

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes brat I undestand, have 'been there' and to some degree am there now.
I think someone on your side is always a deterrent to that.
Have to organize it as well, so there is that to do and that day, but only going with sister and her bf, know there will likely be same (some) (pre)-wrath because I expect it.

Have spent time trying to protect others but don't have that myself. Do recall at my mom's funeral 15 years ago that made it more bearable- best friend and very good firend were there and though they sat in different pew (pallbearers) knowing that made it bearable. Will be alone now though, because will be harder to be around fighting than just the absence.

 

[Tinyflame]

Also many of my friends (co-workers) cannot be given leave to attend as we all work out of the same office/ in the field, and they can only spare so many absent.

But they have no idea of the lnternal dynamic or 'facts', and most-definitely nothing to do with ptsd or expecting (this).

 

[mamachick]

Im sorry Junebug. I know about protecting others and not not myself. I dont know the situation but remember that you do not cause their emotions and criticisms. Hugs

 

[Tinyflame]

:) Hooray and Thank You- :)

Not able to express myself in 'words' very well, today, but thank you everyone for your kindness and advice and support. Funeral was really beautiful, and all went well- only meltdown was a daintie by my coffee cup, I'm so relieved to say, lol. 'Feet' only tried to get away ('with me attached') once during it and one mini zoom-out.

Can only say from this (beyond simply great gratitude) I think I've learned that 'funerals' themselves are the worst (part) of some gigantic trigger, although I suspect there are pockets of painfulness that have their bearing.

A friend's words before, and a really Super-kind Priest during, and the words and actions there, and the words of help and support here made it so.
Plus a zillion prayers and good wishes and a 'Miracle', lol. Because I was really hopeless in managing being there or facing it or getting through it- not the 'technicalities' or 'requirements' but the emotional/ 'heart'-part.

Also there was no pre-funeral fighting etc- thank God.
And though I felt sick I am happy to say I didn't say anything and think hid it pretty well.

Also a friend said (in advance) that even if I broke down or 'took off running' despite myself- "So what?-"- that that was 'my way' of showing that my Aunt was an amazing person.
Which helped a lot- (though it was very hard to try to believe!)

Maybe that could help (all of us) in terms of trying to accept how we 'are' or react to things?
Because I know I for one hate myself, for that. Or hate ptsd for that (or both).

(..though I'm glad I wasn't left hanging from a Steeple, :eek:- kind of 'distracting', lol)

Thank you everyone for your kindness, it's got to be 'Top 3' for things that are impossible for me to bear.
Much as I just wanted it to be beautiful for my Aunt and in thanks to others, I sincerely have no idea how I made it through before or during without a 1. Nervous breakdown 2. A horrible meltdown (though I had one 'pre' it) 3. SI (amazingly so not much of that) 4. Being too physically sick to attend

-Not words to do the 'Thanks' justice but xoxox from the bottom of my heart-

P.S- My friend said to write a letter thanking my Aunt and saying everything that needs to be said to her, to ask for her forgiveness, her help, and to tell her how much I loved her and how grateful for her I am. And then to bring it to the funeral and then shortly after stick it in the river (or burn it, bury it, etc).

I am going to try that, too, even after the fact because I could only do it in my 'head', before.
But I think that helped a lot- it was really helpful to stay grounded.
Also I am going to try it for other things.

And I guess too, I had to 'trust' a lot of people, that I never would have, or in a 'way' I wouldn't have chosen, and I also wouldn't have revealed that about myself, if there was some alternative. And also ask for help (very difficult). But also I didn't 'expect' any, so I'm so fortunate to have had all this help and kindness -I'm overwhelmed, grateful, thankful, amazed, and relieved.

It brings me some (beautiful) peace.

((((((((Hugs to all))))))),

:notworthy: xoxoxox :inlove:

 

[KP the nut]

(((Junebug))) I am so pleased you were able to manage your symptoms. You should be proud of yourself as I and others here know it is very difficult.

Take it easy for a few days and allow your body and mind to recover.

Take care
KP

 

[Tinyflame]

You're an Angel KP
((((((KP)))))

 

[The Albatross]

Yay Junebug! Very happy for you, you sound good, and you defeated your programming. Awesome! :tup:

 

[amethist]

Junebug, write the letter and bury it somewhere you will always remember, somewhere your aunt would have liked too.

To burn something is to let it go into the cosmos, to put it in the river is also to let it go. Something you want to be rid of and let go.

But for it to be remembered, put back into the earth from where it came, this is like giving back the love she gave you.

Amethist

 

[mamachick]

I am so glad this went well and is over for you Junebug. You did great. Hugs from Brat

 

[intothelight]

(((Junebug))),

You did a great job. The letter is a wonderful idea, and I hope that her memories continue to bring you warmth and peace.

You deserve it.

Debbie