Can't say much more, which makes this a shitty shitty post, I KNOW. What about anger and memories, etc. I'm done with whatever reasonable amount of alcohol I brought into the house, but have been drinking Listerine (idiotic and totally dangerous, I know, but I'm not in my right mind). Images of having to do stuff with a parent. I don't know how to be angry . Therapist helping me try in manageable bits so I don't get overwhelemed. She is smart. But I am drowning a little anyway. Dying a little.
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- Post starter Chava
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Chava We care here!!!! Listerine is yuck!! -blew it out of my nose once while laughing- definitely stay away from that stuff!!! Your parent sounds horrific. I am so.... Sorry you had to go through that and are now. Hugs if you accept and a warm shower and warm blanket and a stuffy and .... I'm angry for you!!!! Parents are supposed to be .... U know. Can you picture your favorite place or thing to do. You deserve better!!!!
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- #3
Hi Chava
Sorry you cant get hold of anyone locally ....... we are here though!
I know how hard it is to be having a hard time and feeling so lost and alone and not knowing what to do with yourself. Talk to us, and hopefully you can ground yourself so you are able to at least get a little sleep.
((hugs))
Sorry you cant get hold of anyone locally ....... we are here though!
I know how hard it is to be having a hard time and feeling so lost and alone and not knowing what to do with yourself. Talk to us, and hopefully you can ground yourself so you are able to at least get a little sleep.
((hugs))
D
Deleted member 20280
Chava there are lots of us worried about you and we want to help you as much as we can, please come back into the chat room and we will do whatever we are able to to help you.
Friday
Sponsor
Hey, Chava.... I don't know how to be sad.
I will do virtually anything to avoid the emotion. One of my standbys is anger. I have years and years and years of practicing self control with anger, so it's one of my safer avenues to divert into. Another is pain. Not as safe. Another is medication (much safer than pain, much more productive than anger). Another is drugs/alcohol. Not safe for anyone (myself or those around me). Another is violence (ditto). Another is sex. Another is shutting off all my emotions. Another is disassociation. Another, another, another. I'm sure you get the drift. Damn near anything to avoid being sad. I really, really, cannot handle it. Which may sound silly if that's an emotion you can handle. But I can't. Not yet. It's something I'm going to have to learn. Just not right now :P
Been reading of your struggles with alcohol & anger for awhile now. I don't know if it's hit me before how dang similar it is to my own struggle with sadness. It may have, I may even have said so, my memory is jacked right now. So assuming I haven't...
My recommendation right now is to stop trying to access your anger. Not stop forever, both of us need to learn to deal with the emotion which shall not be named ;) but stop for right now.
I remember you saying you could only access your anger safely while drinking. I get that. If it's like me & sadness, I really get it. Big problems there, though.
For A), You're an alcoholic (anyone new to this, Chava had 20 years sober, this isn't an accusation of alcoholism or judgement, just a statement of fact)... And now you've got that beast with its claws in you, too. ((Again, no guilt or judgement. Big Book very clearly states; if you ever seriously question whether or not you are an alcoholic? Try drinking. It's a very valid thing to do. Especially after several years.)) But that experiment, while it has had clear results (Yep. Alcoholic.) has left you with 2 things to sort out (PTSD & alcoholism + eventually anger), instead of 1.
For B) I could be wrong, but it feels to me that you're using alcohol the same way I use violence or pain. Not as a way to safely access anger, but in a way to try and control it / shut it down before it consumes you. Clearly, that's not working well (there are better ways!!! Ways that don't destroy you, even in a way you're comfortable with). Violence & pain? Those destroy me, too. They're just comfortable deaths that I came to peace with a long time ago. More? They're nowhere near as controlled as anger, but like anger, I've spent a long time learning to control them. They're still pretty damn wild, and dangerous as f*ck, but they're a lot less wild & dangerous than my being sad. They're also fun, unlike anger, and unlike the *safe* methods of dealing with my sadness... So what do I knew-jerk towards? Exactly. Damaging, dangerous, old frenemy. Sound familiar? The devil you know.
Hence why my -very lengthy- 2cents is -if I'm right?- to stop. Not just drinking, but seeking out anger. Your coping mechanism for anger ain't working, and it's creating more problems than it solves. You need better coping mechanisms before tackling this particular problem. Sigh. So do I.
Namaste, Chava.
I will do virtually anything to avoid the emotion. One of my standbys is anger. I have years and years and years of practicing self control with anger, so it's one of my safer avenues to divert into. Another is pain. Not as safe. Another is medication (much safer than pain, much more productive than anger). Another is drugs/alcohol. Not safe for anyone (myself or those around me). Another is violence (ditto). Another is sex. Another is shutting off all my emotions. Another is disassociation. Another, another, another. I'm sure you get the drift. Damn near anything to avoid being sad. I really, really, cannot handle it. Which may sound silly if that's an emotion you can handle. But I can't. Not yet. It's something I'm going to have to learn. Just not right now :P
Been reading of your struggles with alcohol & anger for awhile now. I don't know if it's hit me before how dang similar it is to my own struggle with sadness. It may have, I may even have said so, my memory is jacked right now. So assuming I haven't...
My recommendation right now is to stop trying to access your anger. Not stop forever, both of us need to learn to deal with the emotion which shall not be named ;) but stop for right now.
I remember you saying you could only access your anger safely while drinking. I get that. If it's like me & sadness, I really get it. Big problems there, though.
For A), You're an alcoholic (anyone new to this, Chava had 20 years sober, this isn't an accusation of alcoholism or judgement, just a statement of fact)... And now you've got that beast with its claws in you, too. ((Again, no guilt or judgement. Big Book very clearly states; if you ever seriously question whether or not you are an alcoholic? Try drinking. It's a very valid thing to do. Especially after several years.)) But that experiment, while it has had clear results (Yep. Alcoholic.) has left you with 2 things to sort out (PTSD & alcoholism + eventually anger), instead of 1.
For B) I could be wrong, but it feels to me that you're using alcohol the same way I use violence or pain. Not as a way to safely access anger, but in a way to try and control it / shut it down before it consumes you. Clearly, that's not working well (there are better ways!!! Ways that don't destroy you, even in a way you're comfortable with). Violence & pain? Those destroy me, too. They're just comfortable deaths that I came to peace with a long time ago. More? They're nowhere near as controlled as anger, but like anger, I've spent a long time learning to control them. They're still pretty damn wild, and dangerous as f*ck, but they're a lot less wild & dangerous than my being sad. They're also fun, unlike anger, and unlike the *safe* methods of dealing with my sadness... So what do I knew-jerk towards? Exactly. Damaging, dangerous, old frenemy. Sound familiar? The devil you know.
Hence why my -very lengthy- 2cents is -if I'm right?- to stop. Not just drinking, but seeking out anger. Your coping mechanism for anger ain't working, and it's creating more problems than it solves. You need better coping mechanisms before tackling this particular problem. Sigh. So do I.
Namaste, Chava.
Sammyiam
Platinum Member
Chava,
I hope you are ok please
I'm thinking of you and I hope you are ok
Sammy
I hope you are ok please
I'm thinking of you and I hope you are ok
Sammy
Ellabella44
Diamond Member
Anger makes you hurt you. Be gentle with yourself. You deserve to be cared for. Dump the Listerine and anything else you could possibly get drunk or high on. Those things are poison.
Chat with someone, anyone even if its just a note. Anyone who has been responding to you on this will get back to you if they aren't online when you are.
Some of us are going through similar things with alcohol and other things. You are not alone in fighting this off. You deserve to beat this back again. We all do.
Chat with someone, anyone even if its just a note. Anyone who has been responding to you on this will get back to you if they aren't online when you are.
Some of us are going through similar things with alcohol and other things. You are not alone in fighting this off. You deserve to beat this back again. We all do.
The Albatross
VIP Member
Right group for the right problem Chava... online substance abuse/addiction forums???
You are not gonna be able to get a handle on this til you arrest the drinking... particularly of mouthwash.
Self harming first, and then saying "help" is like shooting myself in the chest and then trying to dial 911.
You are not gonna be able to get a handle on this til you arrest the drinking... particularly of mouthwash.
Self harming first, and then saying "help" is like shooting myself in the chest and then trying to dial 911.
scout86
VIP Member
Hoping you're ok! Even the ER would be better than drinking Listerine, I'm thinking. But it's been hours now, and I'm just hoping you're ok.
This is the kind of situation that really makes me wish "Shimmerzville" existed in physical reality. :(
That's a good point. Easier said than done, but once the building is in flames it's good to quit adding fuel. (Something I was trying, without much luck, to convince myself of last night, when I was NOT sleeping.)
This is the kind of situation that really makes me wish "Shimmerzville" existed in physical reality. :(
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