Death Help?

[Deleted member 41765]

I will begin by saying that I am a survivor of violent crime. Also, because I experienced emotional and sexual abuse as a child, relationships have always been challenging. I've been close to *very* few people.

On Christmas day this past year, in Washington D.C. (where I also experienced trauma), my oldest and dearest friend, lost her life. She was walking to her car, with brussel sprouts, on her way to a dinner. I've intentionally not followed the details of what came next and how. She was found a day and a half later, stuffed in the back of her very small car. She had been beaten and raped.

This has, obviously and fiercely, triggered my PTSD and I feel unable to grieve appropriately, not that I am sure I'd know how. I've been ruthless with myself for making her death about me, and guilt ridden that we lost touch over the years. I've not felt like a survivor at all, but a victim and I hate it. Recently, another friend of hers wrote on her memorial page: "I know if I allow the things Tricia loved about me to thrive in my spirit, I will live a joyful life in her honor."

I so very much want this to be true for me as well, but don't know if I'm up to the task...

 

[Lionheart]

I just lost my mother and we are holding a small private service which will consist of a picture of her, a lit white candle and her family remembering and celebrating her life. Perhaps you could do something of this nature to honor your friends life. I'm so very sorry for your loss and I apologize for the low-life that harmed her. No one should have to die that way!!! I am truly very sorry!!!

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@lionheart I'm so very sorry, Lionheart. Please accept my love and support. I know she had been struggling for a while. She can rest now.

@ShikibuZ, I'm so sad and sorry for you, as well. Losing your friend in such a cruel and traumatic way is a thousand times more devastating than saying goodbye to someone who has lived a full life. Please, please, be gentle with yourself. This is very much about you. The time will come when you're able to grieve for your dear friend. Right now, you need to grieve for yourself. I hope you, as well, can accept my love and support. :'¬(

 

[Casey_03]

I just sat here for a few minutes trying to think of something wise and meaningful to write, but there's really nothing wise that can be said about a death like that. It's senseless and there's no way to make sense of it, or to make it any easier for you to cope right now. That said, there's also no rule book for how to grieve, even if people like to publicly pretend that there is (and they do, everyone does). Do whatever you need to do to grieve; there's no reason to feel selfish about it.

 

[Deleted member 41765]

@Lionheart777 I am sorry for your loss as well. Thank you for your kind words. A few weeks ago I planted a small memorial herb garden for her (she was a licensed herbalist) and there was also a memorial.

@Casey_03 Also extending thanks to you. At this point, I think the depth of my grief is as terrifying as my current skewed perception of the world around me, and yes, it doesn't help that people do pretend...It also doesn't help that my startle response is on overdrive and I'm once again afraid to go out at night.

@Mal Content When I'm grounded I am certainly doing my best to be gentle with myself. It's a struggle. And yes, I accept!

 

[Deleted member 41765]

There is a silver lining. What happened to her led me here, to the forums, and to a community who actually *understands*.

 

[Esterio]

Hi there ShikibuZ
Welcome to the forums. I am sorry for the trauma that brought you here. I was happy to meet and talk with you right from the start even though it was under extreme conditions for you. I am really sorry for the violent loss of your close friend. I have lost a few friends and family unexpectedly in sudden death; violence, suicide and accidents. They are aways the hardest to deal with as they were unexpected and most of the time preventable. I am glad to hear that the herb garden is a memorial garden for your friend and to be some thing to remember her by something that she enjoyed will help you for many years to come. Please accept my Sincere Condolences for the loss of your dear friend.

 

[Deleted member 41765]

@Esterio Yes I made quite an introductory chat splash (Hi I'm new here and on lock down because there's a gunman in my neighborhood and I'm about to loose it...)! You and @Justmehere helped to keep my grounded (still grateful).

I am saddened to hear that you've lost friends due to the circumstances you mentioned. I'm beginning to understand that these horrible things don't just happen to me or the few people I love. I've been so wrapped up in my hypervigilance, and the belief that I am nothing but a target, that learning of other's experiences here in the forums is as disorienting as it is comforting (not sure if that's the right word).

You write that the unexpected deaths are often preventable? Well, Tricia's murderer had a long history of theft and assault and was let out of prison only days before. So perhaps that is true...

 

[Esterio]

I really believe sudden death is mostly preventable. Sometimes if just one thing happen different there would be no death. Death is hard enough to deal with when it is expected. Unexpected you put shock into the mix and it makes it a way more devastating. the forums can hurt but they also help us to heal. Knowing that this just hasn't happen to you but to lot of others is comforting as well has heart breaking. I don't really know where i would be if I wasn't coming here.
Tricia's murderer has most likely has a troubling story as well. I believe most harden criminals have a story. I do not think it gives them any excuses at all. Even the criminally insane we should be able to be protected from them. some how.
I hope you have a good day
Peace be safe

 

[Deleted member 41765]

I am no where near to wanting to consider his story, but I'm sure you are right, and I hope to maybe get there someday. Right now I want him to rot in prison...

 

[Changing4Best]

So sorry for what happened to your friend and to you too, as a result of it. You have every right to feel any feeling you need to feel about this death to recover from it. No one should make you feel anything less about yourself because of how you grieve.

I think there are as many ways to grieve about something like this as there are things like this happening in the world and people who grieve the loss of those so horribly murdered and raped. There are no pretty words to describe those things, unlike there are for the word "death" like "passing on" or "left" and so on.

I can say that I have lost folks, my parents, my husband, my children in miscarriages, but none of these loved ones died a violent death, so I cannot really even begin to know how badly you must feel about all this. I can only say that I feel a sadness almost every day, missing my loved ones, and I do everything I can to cherish the few loved ones I still have left alive. That being said, I urge you to do something similar, with whoever you may have in your life that you care about at all.

Other things you can do are to buy yourself something to remind yourself of the good times you had with this person, pray for the person's soul and your own, feel your feelings, don't stuff them and be sure to take care of yourself, even if you don't feel like it or up to it.

I wish you the best. @ShikibuZ

 

[Deleted member 41765]

people who grieve the loss of those so horribly murdered and raped. There are no pretty words to describe those things, unlike there are for the word "death" like "passing on" or "left" and so on.

There are not, as you say, pretty words. And I choke, every time when I write or say "murder". But your words @SheilaKathy, I thank you for them. Today is a difficult one, called in "sick" to work after a sleepless night and am really unsure who I'm crying for at the moment, her or myself.