General He's Wearing His Dog Tags Again?

[CCurry]

Hi Guys,

Thanks for weighing in blackemerald. When he's calm he talks and when he's not then clearly he zone's out.

He called me again this morning, says he's calmer and will come home in a few hours. As far as help goes, this is not an outpatient situation and he knows it. He asked me about what happened yesterday, I told him about the wild animal like behaviour but I didn't mention in my other posts that he was also making growling noises, told him that. He doesn't remember any of that other punching cabinets and the fridge being the middle of the kitchen.

Can't wait until tomorrow when he can call that Mental facility to get assessed. I only hope they expedite matters.

Today is Thanksgiving here in Canada and we are supposed to head to my mom's house. She knows about David's ptsd but I hope she understands if we have to leave early because he can't handle it.

Carmela

 

[Pam]

C and I have talked about this if it were to happen. While he is coping ever so much better now, in the past he has had rage episodes that included firing a gun into the ceiling of his bedroom, verbal threats to kill, and fist fights with friends and even customers. His direction to me is that he is to leave my home at the earliest sign of impending "out of control" behavior and not to come back till his head is clear. The search for help will be entirely in his court, not in mine. If he is in a cycling on and off place with no improvement, he is to stay out of my home till he has sought assistance and is on a path of improvement once again. If improvement is not evident, I am to go on with my life without him. He used to say to me "you'll be sorry" when I told him I loved him. I think the conversation he had with me above has helped us be clear about the situation and has allowed him to feel loved because we now have a plan in case things go sour.

By the way, he has lung cancer (we've known for over a year). He has chosen not to receive treatment. So we kinda know that this is a limited relationship anyway so loving is a no-lose thing. When he becomes too ill to have a romantic relationship, we will have to come up with a new plan for that situation. He has said that as a man, he does not plan to outlive his "eh hem". I am not thinking that far ahead. But I do know this, the decision about what to do will be in his hands, not mine.

It seemed harsh and uncaring at first, to be told to be so cold towards him when he is out of control, but if I think about it, it is placing him above my need to help.

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

Carmela -

So much has happened since we saw each other in chat on Friday! I am so very sorry that David is having such a hard time. I honestly hope that you can get him in somewhere today (Monday) - and yeah it sounds like inpatient is probably the safest route to go. I am so sorry this is happening - I know your afraid and I wish I was closer - you, David and the kids are in my prayers.

((Hugs))

 

[CCurry]

Hi,

Sunnybrookfarm-yes, you're right things here have escalated since I was last on chat with you. I hope that he'll be able to get into a program to get his ptsd in control. To feel sadness is one thing but this anger like he's ready to kill is totally another dimension.

Pam-it sounds like you have been through the ringer with your C. I can't imagine adding a gun to this situation. I thank god he has sold his guns years ago. I'm sorry to hear about his lung cancer and him refusing treatment. Yet, I just know that if my David got a diagnosis like your C, he would also refuse treatment and probably look forward to dying. Sad though!

SheCat-your posts that you provided snapped my back in a good way. I needed guidance as to what he might be going through and I think you nailed it. If he's still calm when he comes home, I will reading him your posts because I want to know that if there is a next time (hope not...sigh) that what you've articulated is where he is in his head.

James-thanks for your IM- I sent you back I reply and so hopefully you will receive it.

Carmela

 

[catjudo]

Carmela--
Admittedly, I don't know much about the health care system in Canada other than it is very different from the one here in the US. However, if he is so out of control and you both agree that he needs inpatient treatment...why wait until tomorrow? Can't you just take him to an emergency room today to be evaluated and admitted?

 

[CCurry]

Hi Catjudo,

Thanks for weighing in and yes our univeral healthcare is a fair and better system than the States. I'm sure some will agree and some will not.

He's done in the past, walked into a hospital and checked himself in. The reason he doesn't want to do that again is that he knows what happened the last time. He checks in, the bring him to the mental ward, he's doped up with drugs for one week, he's lost control (his words) of his life. For some reason losing control of his life is not something he wants to do.

The reason he wants to wait till Tuesday is that he'll be checking into a trauma program (he thinks) for ptsd sufferers. This way the control he has is that he's in a program that he feels will really work as opposed to being just drugged up.

I hope that makes sense but I did suggest that I drive him to emergency. He flatly refused and explained why.

C.

 

[catjudo]

That makes perfect sense. I do understand his reluctance to go through an ER. Losing control over one's care and circumstances is very frightening and has the potential to make symptoms even worse than they already are.

Are your kids in the same house or are you able to send them to stay with a family member or friend until he checks into the trauma program? His violent outbursts are difficult for you to handle; I can't imagine what it would have been like for your kids if they had been home when he "lost it" in the kitchen. You want to support him but also need to keep your kids safe...both physically and emotionally.

Best of luck keeping things together and everyone safe until Tuesday. David is very lucky to have you.

 

[CCurry]

Thanks Catjudo, my kids are a bit older 15 and 20. The 15 year old was with his dad for the weekend, thank goodness he wasn't around. If I feel that he will witness anything then I'll send him back to his dads. The problem is that their home is supposed to be their safe haven, their not supposed to be uprooted from the place that should be comfort zone. Having said that, I will not let them be apart of his rages.

One more thing, I think you're right about him losing control and the more I think about that I think that's the reason he doesn't want to check himself into the ER. It'll make his ptsd much worse.

Carmela

 

[catjudo]

That does make a difference that your kids are older. As far as not wanting to uproot your 15-year-old because his home is supposed to be his safe haven, I do understand that reaction but think of it this way: if he is home to witness these outbursts it may never feel like a safe haven again. If you send him to his dad's, he can remain oblivious to just how violent and turbulent things became in the home and it will continue to feel as though his home is the safe haven it is supposed to be.

 

[CCurry]

Absolutely and I totally agree with you. If I feel that they are witness to anything I'd rather have them at their dads house. My 20 year old is too busy being out of the house, with a full load at University and working and socializing, I never see this girl. She knows what's going on except for the latest with his anger. Over the last few months she has always made the time to give him a hug, I think these warm embraces really melt David.

Having said that, my kids come first and I'll do what I need to do to keep them safe-always.

Thanks for your concern.
Carmela

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

Carmela -

Sounds like you have a good plan in place for the safety of you and your kids.

I am truly sorry that he is suffering so badly right now. I honestly hope he can get into the treatment center he wants - however, if things escalate again before he can get in - please try to take him to emergency.

I will keep an eye on your threads to check in on you over the next few days.

((Hugs))

 

[Deleted member 541]

Carmela,

Just wanted to wish the both of you a good day today... Hopefully it will pass with no problems. I think too, that him knowing that he is going for help, may also be aggravating his symptoms.

Yes, it is about giving up control for us, when we finally realize that we can't do this on our own anymore. It can cause some of us to even feel like a failure because we can't do this by ourselves. We have PTSD, but many of us have enough pride for 4 people, and it's hard to let go of that....

Try and have a good day today, and night. Here's hoping that Tuesday brings hope back to your man.....