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New Here
Hello everyone,
Just trying to make an introduction but I will give you my story as I see it and try to include every little tid bit that I can remember, but no promises. My name is John, at 18, I joined the army after feeling like I had no other place to go.
I dropped out of high school at 16 and worked and moved out from my parents, both whom were drug/alcohol abusers. I had never been depressed as far as I know, although my upbringing was very poor, both financially and emotionally.
At 20 I went to Iraq, I was a specialist at the time, and I didn't think much of it. My job in the army was to call counter fires, I called in the coordinates of the positions of people firing rockets at us, which allowed us to counter fire. I spent a year in Basrah, Iraq doing this.
While I was deployed I started having some issues with losing my temper, about anything. For no reason. I started seeing a psychiatrist there and was but on medication for anxiety. Remember this is all from my perspective. I figured with time none of this would matter.
I don't know if this is the place for it, but the most traumatic thing I saw over there is when we hired a local contractor to knock down some walls, I was watching him on the security camera we had called an aerostat. I guess someone from Al Quaida didn't like us knocking down the walls they were using to hide improvised explosive and I saw 1 man get murdered in cold blood before we could get anyone out there to help.
I am diagnosed with PTSD but I have always felt like I must be a very weak person to be traumatized by one little incident when I know plenty of people who did foot patrols and actually engaged the enemy that it seemed to have little to no affect on.
After returning home, I was diagnosed with PTSD, I developed the sleep problems, having night mares, and general anxiety attacks. I spent a week in a hospital until they found a combination of medications they felt were suitable for me.
Well that all worked while I was in the army and I had counseling and the medication until I ets'ed in January 2011. In March that same year I got offered a job in Afghanistan, and against my families wishes I took it, at first just because of the monetary reasons but soon after getting there I discovered I actually felt safer in that environment. That sleep came easier, the panic attacks ceased to happen, and I could really just focus on doing my job there and living one day at a time. I honestly felt great.
I came back to the states in November of that year and hadn't given my PTSD much thought. I thought I had been cured. Soon after arriving home all the symptons gradually returned. I feel much more venerable in my own home then I did sleeping in a tent. I don't feel safe without a weapon nearby. And I always felt like since it was just me I didn't have to worry.
That same month I ended up getting my girlfriend pregnant and it seems like I have opened up a whole new flood of insecurities. I have always been a loner and now that I am trying to be a family man with wife and kid on the way, I just stay up worrying all night about their safety. I do risk mitigation techniques that no one should have.
I spend hours going over statistics of stupid things like when the most fatal car accidents are. In my city which streets have had the most accidents, and I try to avoid them. And worst of all I now have a morbid fear of death. But it's not my own mortality. I have never worried about my own death. But the scare of losing people close to me is enough to freak me out and turn me to google to just search for any kind of proof that something beyond this life exists.
I have had a claim in with the VA since I got discharged, and when I was working I was able to talk to a psychologist and not worry about being able to support us. Now that I am unemployed I turned to the VA for help. They told me until my claim is decided (which they have been working on for 16 months now) I have to cover any mental health costs out of pocket.
I really feel like there is something wrong with me, and I have been turning to over the counter stuff to help me get through it, such as sleep aids. (Melatonin, diphenhydramine) and of course, alcohol.
So I just did a google search and posted my story on the first forum I thought people might understand what I am going through. Feel free to ask me anything, I am an open book. And my purpose here is to just discuss my story and my feelings and hope that talking about it will make something click in my head as to why I am feeling the way I feel.
Very respectfully,
John
Just trying to make an introduction but I will give you my story as I see it and try to include every little tid bit that I can remember, but no promises. My name is John, at 18, I joined the army after feeling like I had no other place to go.
I dropped out of high school at 16 and worked and moved out from my parents, both whom were drug/alcohol abusers. I had never been depressed as far as I know, although my upbringing was very poor, both financially and emotionally.
At 20 I went to Iraq, I was a specialist at the time, and I didn't think much of it. My job in the army was to call counter fires, I called in the coordinates of the positions of people firing rockets at us, which allowed us to counter fire. I spent a year in Basrah, Iraq doing this.
While I was deployed I started having some issues with losing my temper, about anything. For no reason. I started seeing a psychiatrist there and was but on medication for anxiety. Remember this is all from my perspective. I figured with time none of this would matter.
I don't know if this is the place for it, but the most traumatic thing I saw over there is when we hired a local contractor to knock down some walls, I was watching him on the security camera we had called an aerostat. I guess someone from Al Quaida didn't like us knocking down the walls they were using to hide improvised explosive and I saw 1 man get murdered in cold blood before we could get anyone out there to help.
I am diagnosed with PTSD but I have always felt like I must be a very weak person to be traumatized by one little incident when I know plenty of people who did foot patrols and actually engaged the enemy that it seemed to have little to no affect on.
After returning home, I was diagnosed with PTSD, I developed the sleep problems, having night mares, and general anxiety attacks. I spent a week in a hospital until they found a combination of medications they felt were suitable for me.
Well that all worked while I was in the army and I had counseling and the medication until I ets'ed in January 2011. In March that same year I got offered a job in Afghanistan, and against my families wishes I took it, at first just because of the monetary reasons but soon after getting there I discovered I actually felt safer in that environment. That sleep came easier, the panic attacks ceased to happen, and I could really just focus on doing my job there and living one day at a time. I honestly felt great.
I came back to the states in November of that year and hadn't given my PTSD much thought. I thought I had been cured. Soon after arriving home all the symptons gradually returned. I feel much more venerable in my own home then I did sleeping in a tent. I don't feel safe without a weapon nearby. And I always felt like since it was just me I didn't have to worry.
That same month I ended up getting my girlfriend pregnant and it seems like I have opened up a whole new flood of insecurities. I have always been a loner and now that I am trying to be a family man with wife and kid on the way, I just stay up worrying all night about their safety. I do risk mitigation techniques that no one should have.
I spend hours going over statistics of stupid things like when the most fatal car accidents are. In my city which streets have had the most accidents, and I try to avoid them. And worst of all I now have a morbid fear of death. But it's not my own mortality. I have never worried about my own death. But the scare of losing people close to me is enough to freak me out and turn me to google to just search for any kind of proof that something beyond this life exists.
I have had a claim in with the VA since I got discharged, and when I was working I was able to talk to a psychologist and not worry about being able to support us. Now that I am unemployed I turned to the VA for help. They told me until my claim is decided (which they have been working on for 16 months now) I have to cover any mental health costs out of pocket.
I really feel like there is something wrong with me, and I have been turning to over the counter stuff to help me get through it, such as sleep aids. (Melatonin, diphenhydramine) and of course, alcohol.
So I just did a google search and posted my story on the first forum I thought people might understand what I am going through. Feel free to ask me anything, I am an open book. And my purpose here is to just discuss my story and my feelings and hope that talking about it will make something click in my head as to why I am feeling the way I feel.
Very respectfully,
John
