Undiagnosed Hi. Sexually Abused For 12 Years

[Boogaloo]

I was hurt from age 3 - 15 by multiple people, most men but 1 female. 2 were family members. I don't talk about it because no one does in our family, denial is preferred.

Bit me in the ass though when my relationship of 2 years started going bad. Suddenly he felt like they did, he'd hurt me. My body would hurt despite him because of memories, I had flashbacks because of how similar he became to them. Terrified me. Tons of memories coming back now and others telling me how they stopped abuse on me when I was too young to remember.

Realizing that the way I thought I was healing was really just repressing. I have so many things wrong because of my fear and feelings of re-victimization every day. Work has gotten almost unbearable because of the rare client who's story is too similar....

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[Diore]

That's terrible, what you've been through, and I sympathize a great deal with your present relationship struggles that are a result of it. I can assure you that you aren't alone, and that there are ways to work through these things.

Welcome to the forums - I hope the people and resources here can help you to heal for real.

 

[Boogaloo]

Thanks, I'm just trying to sort things out in my head and well, I'm unable to speak in my personal life but i thought maybe talking to people on here could help. :)




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[Diore]

I've certainly found it to be a supportive environment, one where you can open up about your story and be validated instead of judged - and perhaps even find some useful practical advice!

You might like to check out the [DLMURL="https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/forums/trauma-diaries.10/"]Trauma Diaries[/DLMURL] section of the site, if you want some space to get your story out. I'm also in a position where talking about the past has been hard, so the diaries have been incredibly helpful!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Welcome to the forum!

I hope you can find the support here that you need on your healing journey.

Hugs
SOL

 

[Boogaloo]

Thanks, :)! I might try to do that but... kinda paranoid. Ha ha....


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[Elisacullen21]

Welcome to the forum :)

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Welcome to the forum.

Also take a look at a sister forum to this one at [DLMURL]http://www.mysexabuse.com/[/DLMURL]. Many of us who fit different trauma histories are members of two forums.

Best wishes on your journey!

 

[justme2012]

I can sympathize and identify with your story Boogaloo; I too had years (10) of sexual, mental and emotional abuse.

A few weeks ago my daughter was dehydrated and passed out twice. The first time, she was semi conscious, the last time she was out for what seemed like an eternity. While I tried to bring her back, I began shaking, from the inside. It was familiar but I couldn't place the feeling. Three days later, she was fine but I was still shaking and afraid, aching all over my body. That night I went to the crisis counseling center and was told that I was experiencing PTSD. I'd never considered it, as a counselor it seems that I would have recognized it. I couldn't see it because it didn't present fully till now thirty plus years after the numerous incidents. I remember now, going to sleep nights shaking; at school in the halls shaking; at the neighbor's house shaking; at grandma's house shaking. It was horrible!! From the ages of two to thirteen, I lived in constant fear that the next person would be the next one to touch me or have me touch them. The feelings associated with this are more real and painful than they were back then.

This is a lonely place, I have nobody in my world I can really talk to. I am relieved that what I have been experiencing isn't "just me", but others are dealing with this too. I will say, reading your comments to Boogaloo is great! This seems like a good place to be, and I look forward to sharing and receiving here.:)

 

[Boogaloo]

Wow, that is definitely good to hear I'm not alone, I know I am not but I haven't found anyone with similar history/understanding.
I am dealing with this now though because my ex caused me to go back to those day's at the end of our relationship and I literally forgot it was him who was with me and not a random attacker.
I am embarrassed because I am graduating this year to be a social worker so it is hard to admit I am having a problem and even though I found a person who is accepting/supporting of my difficulties it is still hard because my friend doesn't understand that when certain things like even their way of showing excitement sometimes causes me to get my guard up and scared as if they are angry but they aren't. It's kind of confusing/disorienting feeling things that contrast what is actually happening or what others are feeling. It always makes me prepared for a (hypothetical) bomb to drop. Something to go wrong.
I hope this site will make me feel more understood rather then just accepted for being different. For being alone.

 

[Eleanor]

Hi Boogaloo, Welcome to the forum:).

I am so sorry you have been through so much. I think you will find this is a very welcoming and supportive place. There is a ton of great information, for you and that you might want to share with a supporter ... for in case a "bomb" ever explodes. You are not alone. Not by a long shot. We all wish there was less company on this train:(. Sometimes it is a bit overwhelming how much company there is.

Wishing you peace and healing.