Highs and lows of transference

[Surfergal]

I posted this on another site but thought I'd also post here. Does anyone else have transference for their T and experience a huge variance in the intensity if it? I'm guessing it's quite common with those who experience it as I've heard its normal for your feelings to fluctuate from week to week. Any thoughts or insight into why?
I have quite strong transference feelings for my T somethings even ET. The intensity of them can change so much. Some weeks I feel like I am 'in love' with him and he is literally all I can think of (I know I'm not but that's how strong the feelings are). Other weeks I just feel a lot of love and care from him as a therapist who is trying to help me and as someone who I have shared so much with whilst other times it's more of a longing and is very very painful. I get that it stems from unmet childhood needs etc but I don't get why they vary so much. Right now I feel my feelings are at what I would call a more 'normal' or 'reasonable' level of care for someone I've shared so much of myself with. I dread the thought however of the intense almost obsessive feelings returning and really just want to avoid them coming back but how and why.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Transference is sooooo fun. (Eye roll). Yeah, I experience the same but I’ve been been experiencing that way before I even knew what it was with professors and teachers and anyone in any kind of authority position. I agree at times it is EXCRUCIATING!!! At times it’s like it’s barely there or not even there but most of the time a healthy medium. Things like fear of ending the relationship make it impossible. I think just trying not to judge it is helpful. Noticing why it’s there, it’s just a habit of mind, recreating your past. We are relational so we see things in that context and relive things again and again. Helps also to separate why your t isn’t the real object of your feelings. Like my last t, she wasn’t my mom. My current t isn’t my dad. And find anything in their personality that you don’t have any feelings with and concentrate on that and remember that outside therapy.

 

[Surfergal]

Thanks @UnicornSightings . I know my T isn't the real object of 'all' of my feelings (I do feel he is for some of them though even if only a small amount) I just don't understand why some weeks I literally 'long' for him and want to be with him physically while other weeks it almost makes me embarrassed to think that is what I had been wanting. I've been trying to notice what's happening around the time the intensity shifts especially when it gets to a 'quite intense' level but can't seem to find any reason or pattern to it. It just seems to come in waves and right now it's calm and pleasant. I would like if it would stay like that but I fear it's only a matter of time before it changes again which I'm trying not to worry about but clearly am thinking of if I am posting about it here!!!

 

[Deleted member 42665]

Mine is worse when I only see him once a week and no outside contact but if I see him 2x a week or see him weekly and text or email, I am much better off.

 

[Surfergal]

Mine is worse when I only see him once a week and no outside contact but if I see him 2x a week or s...

Yes, I was the same when I went once a week I found it very difficult. We changed to twice a week and it really helped. It's interesting how that works. Some people think twice a week for someone who is not in crisis is a bad thing! For me, it saved me a lot of pain and anxiety. It also allows me to delve deeper each session as before I found when I had one session I was spending most of my time just recapping on my week. I need some of that to help build trust and connection.