Hit a low point

[SeekingAfrica]

I know life always has ups and downs, as does mental health. I've been seeing myself get a bit worse and worse lately for couple of weeks. I keep trying to get a hang on it and it keeps steadily going down. Like today. Going to ballet wanting to cry because that is how strong the feeling that everything is hopeless is, creeping up in me and telling me I won't get better. So here I am to talk about it in hopes it will keep me trying. That it will shake something out of me, an inch more of fight. After everything I have managed, I don't want to feel this way. There is so much more to do, overcome, see. There is beauty in the world. I don't want to give up. There is just this ocean of emotions around me telling me I have no other choice. I just need to hold on, somehow, just a bit more...

 

[MrMoonlight]

so sorry seekingafrica. please don't give up, you have come so far, I know you get through this.

 

[ChildofGod]

Please remember that emotions will come and go. You are amazing to me and it saddens me that you're still struggling. You aren't alone. You are precious and you matter.

Do you have any self soothing techniques? Do you know of the RAINN network? You can chat or call them for free.

I am rooting for you, now and always. I believe that you will overcome this.

RAINN | The nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@MrMoonlight thank you! I... Am doing what I can. Just feels like it's coming really short of what I need to get through this. Still here, is all I can say right now.

You are amazing to me and it saddens me that you're still struggling. You aren't alone.
Do you have any self soothing techniques? Do you know of the RAINN network? You can chat or call them for free.

I am rooting for you, now and always.

@Zencat thank you! I feel the opposite of amazing right now so really needed this. I have been meditating daily and doing some things like that. I still did ballet class although I had to take a moment few times throughout to breathe so I don't start crying in the middle. Saying self soothing reminded me I started making a box of stuff useful for that and put it next to my bed for such occasions so I just pulled it out now. I'll be using the arnica gel I have in there to massage my legs and shoulders etc as I'm sore from class-plus it works for smell and touch. I have an app for nature sounds, maybe I'll try that later on. I have talked to rainn before, but when I was upset about something directly related to my trauma, like flashbacks or anniversaries... Not sure what is going on now is related, although it's affecting it, of course. Like my roommate traveling now has made me more hypervigilant about bring alone in this apartment for a first time. But what I'm going through, I'm not sure it's something I can talk to rainn about. On the other hand out of any lines I've tried online they were the only ones I've actually found helpful.
I don't know... What to do, what I will do. All I know is, it's one of those nights when I'm taking things by the hour. So, in a way, everything matters, each small thing I manage to do that is helpful.
I'm supposed to work couple of hours before bed too. I'm doing my best to do so. Everything hurts right now, in mental and physical way.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@Zencat Oops, my reply somehow showed within the quote of your reply. Not sure how. I keep making idiotic mistakes today, I had to travel 20 min more because I took my bus but in the wrong direction.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Yeah.. My mind had other ideas. I keep going between huge anxiety, crying and dissociating... This is 'try to get through without too much damage' kind of night, not the solve everything kind. Decisions and productivity will have to wait a moment until I'm not hysterically crying. Or dissociating.

 

[ChildofGod]

Hi SeekingAfrica,
We all make mistakes. I am sorry that you are going through such a rough time right now. As much as feelings and emotions feel, I let myself feel them, cry it out. Sometimes even the smallest change is uncomfortable.
I hope that you feel better soon.

 

[unalome]

Good Evening SeekingAfrica,
Like many have said we all do have our up and down days. I cry when i'm stressed out and have no outlet. I suffer from PTSD and depression and anxiety. There are day's that I'm not sure that i can make it through the day and that the world and my family would be better off with out me. Then i remember that I cant be the only one feeling this way and that there are people in this world that need me and that i can only take it one day at a time. What I'm trying to say is that there are so many people that need you and love you as I've seen by the other posts. As weird as this may sound sometimes just taking a deep breath and saying OK I've got this tomorrow is a new day and I will be ok helps. I hope this helps and doesn't sound like babbling. Hoping you feel better soon.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Today is low point too. It's the kind of day where everything in my life feels like a desert with me never getting to water. That feeling like I feel so much nothingness that I want to cry, I crave things I can't get yet, and can't enjoy what I do have or am able to do. (like something I enjoy is netlix which I have membership to as a gift, but nothing I usually watch is making me feel anything other than this, nothing feels relaxing or interesting or entertaining.) I can't enjoy what I have access to, so the things I don't have access to feel even worse because I so much need something. I know no one can fix this for me, but I'm trying to trick my brain to keep going. I'm literally today working in bed because I don't have the willpower to be at a desk without bursting in tears. And I still don't know how to make it 8h through work. Yesterday I managed 2h before there was a crisis to solve and unlike unually lately(being quite productive for a while) I broke down. There have been a lot of high pressure crises' in the last 20 days and I hadled them okay more or less, but last night I just broke. Not sure how much I'll manage to do tonight. I'm in so much pain every minute feels endless. I'm sorry for the rant, I feel frustrated with how weak I feel right now.