Relationship Hold On Or Let Go?

[JennJenn]

My ex-boyfriend still have the occasional conversation, but as far a relationship goes we are done. I have been continuing to hold on to hope that he will want to give our relationship another chance. I miss being with him so much, but this limbo state of holding on to just a little bit of hope causes so much pain.

My friends are ready for me to move on with my life. I have been seeing a therapist who believes that I am not in a good place and need to make a move towards ending my hope, or trying to get back together. She told me today that she could see the sadness in my face. I don't think that is a good thing.

Sunday will be his birthday. I already have presents for him. I have made the decision that I am going to giving them to him on his birthday if he will see me. I'm hoping that based off that day I can finally make a decision in one of the directions. I don't want to let him slip out of my life, but this state of limbo is not getting any easier. The pain is almost unbearable some days. I just don't know how I am going to make the final decision.

 

[WillyKat]

I'm probably the last person that should give advice on relationships. I'm definitely the last person you should listen to about relationships.

But will that stop me from stating an opinion? Oh heck no.

Moving on with *your* life means that you need to find love somewhere else, that it just won't happen with him. But does not mean that you've given up on him as a friend, as a human being, as a supporter. At some point, *he* may be ready to have a relationship. But he isn't ready now, and it's possible he may never be. That means he's put you in a bad situation, forcing you to choose.

Most likely, he will realize what he had just as he realizes it's gone.

There's no way to avoid pain here, but do take care of yourself and do what is right for you.

 

[nursenurse]

Let go. There is no state of limbo if you refer to him as your ex-boyfriend, and you say the relationship is over. It is okay to grieve that lost relationship, but it is not okay to cause yourself even more pain than you have already been suffering. Listen to your therapist, and I am happy that you are seeing one to help you through this. I don't know what your relationship was like, but break ups suck no matter what.

I would honestly skip the gift giving. Wish him well if you must, but it seems like you are clinging, and if he is the PTSD guy, he will not necessarily appreciate it. I don't want to read anything into the situation because you haven't given me enough details, but I have a hunch that he is not in limbo.

All relationships teach us valuable lessons about ourselves. Use this as a learning opportunity, but above all, be kind to yourself, you are going through what we have all gone through at one time or another, and it hurts a lot, and for awhile. Time is your ally.

 

[franciemarnie]

It sounds like he has let go so there is nothing to hold on to here.

You deserve someone who loves you like you love him.

If our well being is dependent upon other people loving us or acting a certain way, we're screwed. We have to love and take care of ourselves first and foremost, we have to become whole or we will spend the rest of our lives responding to other people's reactions.

 

[Ghostybear73]

I'm going to have to learn to use the quote function. I am also the last person you should listen to as I held on hope during an abusive relationship for quite a while. I can tell you from experience that if he wanted this relationship, he would be the one trying.

It is difficult to make a decision when you are thinking with your heart. How I bypass that is to write down the positives and negatives of the relationship and analyze the information with your brain. When your emotions get involved, step away and try again later (otherwise, you will start crossing off the negatives). :)

 

[Toria]

Personally... I think you will know when it is time to let go. You can't force yourself not to feel for someone and it would be entirely unfair on someone else to "move on with them" if you still love this other person. You can move on by doing things for you - just don't jump from frying pan to fire!

x

 

[arfie]

If you are taking votes, I vote for you to carry those presents to a local homeless shelter and give them to somebody who looks like they need a gift. I am not at all sure I could have stayed married for 33 years by giving my husband presents under circumstances like this. Attitude is everything in my gift giving. ESPECIALLY with my husband. He can spot my martyr complex quicker than I can.

But that is me. Each of us need to decide these things for ourselves.

Gentle hugs and hopes for healing.

 

[Annie B]

I disagree with toria, though she makes some good and valid points.

When something is over, it's over whether we are ready for it or not. Life is about learning when to fight for things and how to do it effectively, but it is also about learning how to accept loss/defeat and growing from it.

The part of your life with this guy in it will always be a part of you. Moving on doesn't mean forgetting (oh how I wish it did sometimes). Clinging to someone who may not be right for you is preventing you from finding someone who is. Give yourself time to heal of course, but you're probably fighting a losing battle trying to keep a relationship that has ended from ending.

It is hard to move on, I know this. We all do, I'm sure. And it doesn't help when the ptsd makes it worse with obsessive thinking. I am all too familiar with it and I posted something really dumb the other day about my own struggle to let go of the past and an old friend I still care about. So maybe that invalidates the advice I just wrote, but I'll let you be the judge of that. :)

Good luck, I hope you can find some peace.

 

[DMerish]

Let go. Move on.

Be more interested in your own life - the happiness and good that you can give to yourself - and those who appreciate you rather than the fantasy that he might give it to you.

 

[nursenurse]

A peron who realizes your worth would not generally let you go, or if he is foolish enough to do so, would give his head a shake and come back, without being pushed. This guy does not seem to be doing either. His horse is flogged. Get on with your own life as painful as it is. Don't even wish him happy birthday. Cut those ties. You will discover eventually that your life is really great without him or anyone else for that matter. Once you gain that self love, you will be able to love someone else wholly and healthily, again.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

Letting go of that hope is so hard. Yes, I call my ex-sufferer, my ex, but the hope clings. It makes the pain worse, that hope. Some days I think I've finally let it go, but it creeps back slowly. It just seems to intensifies the pain and my emotional rollercoaster starts again.

I know, obviously, how hard it is. But, lately, very recently, I've started to think the real factor is how much do I value myself. I know PTSD is a real factor my ex cannot control and he not currently in treatment, although he has been in the past. So, if he won't fight to get healthier, won't fight for me - what am I hoping for?

I don't know enough to speak to how you two broke up, but it seems like he isn't willing or trying to get you back. If he's decided he can't be in this with you, he can't. Most supporters seem to think we can make it better or we are patient or supportive enough that they will see love is worth it. But, truth is, relationships are stress and people with PTSD, or untreated PTSD, cannot handle the added stress. Good stress, bad stress- it's all stress.

I'm glad you are in therapy, I am too. It is helping little by little. I wish I had some magical advise, but I got nothing. Do what you need to do. If you need to give yourself a date or look for a specific reaction, do it if it might give you closure. But try not to have expectations. Don't count on that date changing what is. If you don't get what you need, don't then wait til Christmas or new years. Make this a final chance.

Then you will know you have done all that you can. But if nothing changes, you need some distance. You can be his friend, but it needs to be a distant one. At least for awhile. You need to focus on you. Go to therapy, go out with friends, read some good books, whatever. Don't worry about meeting someone else. Just my opinion.

I hate every time I hear it or say it, but it takes time. I wish you the best. Time will heal is both. (Hug).

 

[stacymarie88]

Hello-
I am currently going through the same thing. Letting go is the hardest thing. I love this guy, but I know our future's aren't right. He is currently in the process of getting help. I work everyday, have my own place and have been there for him for 3 years. about 8 months ago he didn't have a job, didn't want to live anymore and was depressed... So he moved to The Florida Keys with his other marine friend. I was all for it. His happiness means the world to me.

I held onto hope that he would come home 2 months later. I ended up going to visit him.. for closure. But that just made me want to be with him.. Well I got home and tried to move on.. We still talked a lot.. Told each other we loved each other.. Well he ended up coming back home.. he was broke.. Well he is currently in the same town and I can't stay away from him. I truly love him.. but he still doesn't have a job, still depressed and I feel like a mother to him. I run to him any sec something is wrong.If Im away from him for one night I get a text saying.. Can I come over? I miss you.. and the other night he said he had thoughts of suidcide.. I love him so much.. So much and hate the pain he is going through. He made appointments to get help.. I want to be there for him. But I dont want this future. I feel so bad if I let him go. He has no one. He told me Im the only person. .. But Im soo emotionally drained and stressed. I am currently seeing a therapist and she thinks I should let him go. but I can't hurt him=( He keeps telling me he loves me so much.. Please help