Hope I'll be the last diary I'll ever write

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
I have no doubt about she was dealing with everything long before I was here. But I need to be helpful when someone seems to need help. And my cousin is screaming needed help by all aspect of her life so I can't just stop looking a way to be here for her.

Her family isn't the supportive model family. His brother beaten her to the point she was afraid to die, his father was barely here for her whole life, her mother is close to her but said to not report her brother because he would suffer consequences for his acts toward her. Also her mother without knowing encouraged her to starve herself and wasn't very reactive about her habit to self harm. My cousin deeply loves her but is aware of her mother being not very helpful for her recovering. They talk each other at phone every day.

My cousin has the same behavior towards her abuser than me. At least I was having before stopping the sexual abuse from him.
He doesn't hurt her anymore. They lived together at some point but my cousin decided to leave to love alone for some reason I didn't get I won't pressure her to tell me. It's not my business and it's a relief for me she won't live with him anymore. They kept contact and she frequently see him and he frequently visit or do things for her. She doesn't seems to suffer to this contact while I can't see a way she could not suffer from it. She is adult and make and decide her own choices it's not to me to decide for her
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
While we always talk about trauma and mental health problems from it I do my best to not only do that. It's hard for me to not think about all of this in regular alone and avoiding day in her contact its just impossible to not bring the sujet each time we meet.

I'm aware it's not a healthy relationship I'm doing to her but I'm sure it's still better than not being here for her and she never express she doesn't want this subjects to be brought on. I awkwardly tried to ask her if she is feeling uneasy by this fact but not sure I actually did it and if I did what she answered.

I'm doing my best. I will accept your feedback about it.

Well with this system I'm not sure even one person is reading my whole diary. I saw a like here and there but very few times and didn't take time to see who and I'd it way only one person
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
We also talk about future. What we are doing at ergotherapy hobbies relationships with family without trauma related topics. We watched an animé together once and I.... missing a word again. Borrow I think.
So she borrowed me books and should I said I borrowed her a book ? Well my books she read. Me not speaking English well.
We go to Cafe together go shopping go library go cinema eat together. When we're together but can't find something I would go in my phone and she will find an activity for her and the silence would be comfortable and wanted. We don't feel the need to fill up every silence we're feeling good just being together.
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
She only went on my town once very recently. Almost every times if not every other times we were at her town. We live at like ten minutes from each other. Since I have to travel to see my therapist (I always had to) and my friends live as far as 2h from me I pay each year a train pass to not have to buy a ticket for every travel which is good for my health because it encourages me to go out.

I'm very afraid after writing all this readers will judge me for mostly seeing someone needing help in her. Its at least a very sad look I'm getting after what i wrote. I although know I have hard time not thinking about trauma and mental health stuff every single second of my life. It's literally the default though I have. This is why I spend all my awake time distracting myself at my best.
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
I know I'm missing most my childhood memories but I really feel like I never got a chance to be living a life and not dealing with trauma and traumatic reponses
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
About being used to talk about mental illness it has its own story not sure I'll write it this night because I'll soon be 2am
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
I'll never to be able to resume all of it to my therapist and I'm not sure she understands English especially when it's a non native that is speaking
 
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