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Hope I'll be the last diary I'll ever write

3 years ago my father died from cancer. Today I learned someone I don't really knew died from cancer.

Can't think about anything but my father's death
It's getting hard to look at my window without thinking about killing myself. I'm going to watch something positive and peaceful on internet
ok i put down the blinds of each my windows so I can be safe at home

a friend's going to visit me at home this afternoon

I keep calling people to help my mood

I'm doing hard work to ensure my house is safe for me, I won't let my guiltiness win
my brain keep telling me lies, it says it's my fault, I'm the reason all these peolpe died. Logic is clear : I have no guilt in these deaths. I'm just very sensitive about people dying, nothing to do with something I've done or said. I'm inocent completely inocent
of course I keep exhausting myself way beyond what's healthy, I'll have to learn to slow down if I want to keep living alone