Right now I just have to focus at calming myself. I calmed down enought to understand what happened :You know, that's one of the biggest things many of us have in common here.
I might gently encourage you to venture outside of your diary a bit more, maybe start a thread asking other people how they experience their own versions of 'it's not that bad'...
In a lot of ways - getting better is just about looking at what happened and accepting that it was real. That's something that needs to be done over and over and over again. It's not just one day, suddenly, you realize it was bad and then you believe that, forever. More likely - you'll realize what happened, but then a few hours later - you'll be right back to telling yourself it wasn't as big a deal as you were thinking it was, or seeing how others have it worse, or justifying it by staying that you deserved it, or any one of a million other ways that we reinforce the trauma event within ourselves.
That's what PTSD is - it's getting trapped in a loop. In order to get out of the loop, you'll need to take the trauma out, look at it, really see it for how much harm it's done you; and then, keep doing that until you find that you're not just telling yourself it was bad - you honestly believe it's exactly what it is: serious trauma.
Then, it's possible to begin understanding how to move forward and leave it in the past.
I was curious about the torture post so I click while knowing it was very likely to be a bad idea for me to read it at all, I should have hide this post from the second oen I saw it.
Reading it confirmed this feeling and trigger me in the way I do feel very bad when reading FICTIONNAL torture so real one...
So I was triggered and decided to leave becase "I'm a bad person" feeling
What I wrote after reading the post was true. Altrought I do have moments I know I have PTSD I know what happened is "bad enough" that ficiton is well fiction.