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Hope I'll be the last diary I'll ever write

joeylittle said:
You know, that's one of the biggest things many of us have in common here.

I might gently encourage you to venture outside of your diary a bit more, maybe start a thread asking other people how they experience their own versions of 'it's not that bad'...

In a lot of ways - getting better is just about looking at what happened and accepting that it was real. That's something that needs to be done over and over and over again. It's not just one day, suddenly, you realize it was bad and then you believe that, forever. More likely - you'll realize what happened, but then a few hours later - you'll be right back to telling yourself it wasn't as big a deal as you were thinking it was, or seeing how others have it worse, or justifying it by staying that you deserved it, or any one of a million other ways that we reinforce the trauma event within ourselves.

That's what PTSD is - it's getting trapped in a loop. In order to get out of the loop, you'll need to take the trauma out, look at it, really see it for how much harm it's done you; and then, keep doing that until you find that you're not just telling yourself it was bad - you honestly believe it's exactly what it is: serious trauma.

Then, it's possible to begin understanding how to move forward and leave it in the past.
Click to expand...
Right now I just have to focus at calming myself. I calmed down enought to understand what happened :
I was curious about the torture post so I click while knowing it was very likely to be a bad idea for me to read it at all, I should have hide this post from the second oen I saw it.
Reading it confirmed this feeling and trigger me in the way I do feel very bad when reading FICTIONNAL torture so real one...

So I was triggered and decided to leave becase "I'm a bad person" feeling

What I wrote after reading the post was true. Altrought I do have moments I know I have PTSD I know what happened is "bad enough" that ficiton is well fiction.
 
I dont' even remember if I said it here but I have mightmare every night instead my usual 3 times a week

its getting hard on me now

I'm about to stard playing board game with my favorite people : two of my friends and my cousin. I love them and I love playing board games.

The three last weeks were hell, I need some easy week to feel better and when it'll be the case I'll autorise myself to take decision I shouldn't take in my current mental state
 
ok I though about it a lot and decided that for the moment it's better to me to stop going here. I have no idea if I'll come back or not and when I take this decision
thanks to everyone who has reacted to my post it meant a lot for me
 
English is not my first langage. Don't hesitate to ask if something I say isn't clear to you

My writing in english can be a little rusty but let's try. Things are out of order but it's the way I usually think and putting everything in a clear chronologic way would take me hours. For context I'm autistic in addition of having depression and PTSD and it's soon to be 2 years I'm living in my own. I'm 31, living in Europe.

Back. Therapy is going great. I definitively don't like what I'm working on but yeah, no other way to heal.

I started EMDR earlier this year. An oncle passed away and I hate that people keep dying around me. My father died from cancer, then two of my grand parents from old age, then some person I was seeing at occupationnal activities from cancer and this year my oncle from heart failure or something. Also a cat of my aunt died but I'm not getting attach a lot to animals. But it was just after my oncle death and seeing this aunt so devasted twice in a short time was still hard to handle. Can people around me just stop dying more than one a year for a change ? It's (not counting the cat) 5 in 6 years every single year exept 2023. How I'm supposed to handle this shit when I'm already traumatized about death ?

So I started EMDR around february because my uncle death. He was the husband of my father's sister and I didn't really talked to him but death strike is hard on me. The death of my father I never really dealt with came back to surface and we did EMDR with my therapist. It worked until my mind just blocked then impossible to do anything about it. We had to stop it all togheter. A figurative wall of brick stoped me and insisting would only make me very hostile. I was afraid how angry and ready to actual fight that made me. It's so unlike me.

We talked about it with my therapist and she said she's not giving up. I didn't want to hear more about doing anything related to coming to this part of my brain for the moment. I have a bag of harmful memories, memories that can make me want to literaly run away just by looking at it. But they are pieces of my past that are important to me. My therapist agreed to take it in her office and let it there. A big bag of books, travel memories, photos etc. The goal is to work on little things in the bag before dealing with bigger stressors.

Thanks to therapy I'm not thinking about harming or killing myself the whole time of the whole day everyday which is a big relief. I'm still very limited by what I can do in a regular day, self-depreciation being very bad, every single night nightmare (stress from noises from my street make it from 3 a week to every night) and unable to admit I did nothing bad about my childhood or my family. I still can't handle most compliments or reconition of good things I did, I still think very deep inside that I'm someone bad that destroyed my family just by existing and other things I have no control on. I'm still very sorry to exist and being a friend to my friends because it feels to me that being a friend to me is something horrible that people harm themsleves with rather that someone they actually enjoy interactiong with. I can't see why anyone could have anything positive from being my friend. That sounds more like a self punishment than something that gives them anything good. I don't understand why they're even my friends.

Also I have a clearer mind and can again think way more clearly than the last 10 years I guess. It's been 10-11 years I'm in an autistic burnout as I'm calling it. In short my brain broke from cognitive overpressure and I can't work or deal with any adding stress for now 10 ish years in a row. I'm still here but I'm seeing more than just two-three things at time and so can actually actively think for the first time since the huge breakdown 10 year-ish ago. It seems I can't recover from it because I'm always in I should do more, be better, be more concentrated, achieving more things mindset which is why my mind broke down in the first place. My therapist had to order to me to not walking to much, not working to much at self-education, not working too much at crafting stuff, not putting so much pressure at writing this things that are supposed to be a simple hobby and nothing more. She also had to tell me to bring up the air cooler machine because 30° celcius outside temperature is now a really big stressor to me to the point of being afraid of dying (I have absolutly nothing to fear about it, I'm just overstressed by hot and my stress easily gets completly out of control).

With my therapist I'm working on reconizing my needs, asking for acomodations. My staying at home help ( P.) is doing a great job dealing with everything to get me personalized noise canceller, a noise cancelling curtain for my windows and dealing on keeping everyone in my health team updated with things. She also translate and make introdution when I need to go to an appointment because my autism and my lack of stress handling is very disabiliting with dealing with anything other than my self made routines and my friend social interaction.

Currently I can deal with big things in my social interaction on internet way easilier than before. I'm better at reconizing when I should let people deal with their own problems without me while I'm still very up to help anyone I can.

While all this progress was made, I still can't imagine a futur I would be happy to live. Can I really be happy after spending my whole 31 first years regretting being alive and with autism that can't be cured unlike depression and PTSD ? I simply can't imiagine having a good life with such a past and being autistic while I'm such a social butterfly person and hating making peolpe feel bad (I'm barely masking at all in my daily life and don't want to ever do it unless I have to).
 
I was completely head under water since before I came here and I'm now realizing how bad I misunderstood some of the things here. It's a hard thing to confront how bad my mental health/well-being is or was. I feel really uneasy about how bad I used to be to understand how things functions in a general way. I was until few months ago only so unable to unferstand most of thing I did some many things completely wrong while being certain of doing things the right way. I feel embarrased how clumsy and wrong I understood things in all the part of my life
 
All my life understanding what's going on was very hard to me. Because too much was going on, because I'm autistic, because dissociation. At some point not understanding became a defense mechanism rather a consequence. To me there is safety in not knowing what's going on. So now I'm afraid of being too aware of things about and around me
 

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