Relationship Hope Someone Can Help Me....

[Venusian]

Hi cmjl,

I think this is a situation that can really depend on the person. When I get frustrated or don't agree with something someone says I just close up so I can't really give advice on your girlfriend. It seems to me that what you need to establish are boundaries and how to handle them. There is a big supporter section here with advice on how to do that. I have learned a lot from reading there on how to interact better with people. I have PTSD and I don't always see how my actions affect other people, I was just reacting to my internal fears.

There are a lot of threads talking about boundaries and how handle them. It won't be easy and it will take time but there are lots of people that have learned how to make it work and live with PTSD successfully together. I am not one of those because I didn't know I had PTSD until recently and have not been in a relationship since I started working on this.

I don't know if what you are describing is abusive and a lot of people seem to want to jump on that bandwagon but however she is responding is not healthy to the relationship. You can't make her respond differently but you can respond differently yourself and maybe that is the way to start a better relationship. If she refuses to go to a therapist maybe you could go see one to get some of the support and knowledge you need to learn different responses. Coming here has helped but there is nothing better than a little one on one talking to a person who can help you through this. There are a lot of nuances to conversation that can get lost in an online forum.

 

[Meadowsweet]

t sounds like you are dealing with someone who needs to work more on recognizing their trauma triggers and managing them appropriately. She may always have a bad reaction to certain things you say. Emotional responses are hard to control. While the initial response may not be as easily manageable, she should be able to revisit the situation later and apologize to you or at least be able to understand/explain that her response came from a place of fear or anger.

I agree with the above. PTSD can make a person come across as aggressive in a situation that they perceive as dangerous, because they are frightened. But the fact that she continues to blame you for her actions and takes no responsibility, whilst it may be related to how she has been treated herself, it isn't a symptom of PTSD and she may have other trauma related problems.

You don't have to put up with this behaviour, and it is not helpful to her for you to sit back and take it. It is akin to a parent letting their child have what it wants everytime they have a tantrum (the child learns that having a tantrum is ok). And this may be what she has learned from trauma - but she needs to re-learn a better way of dealing with life.

What I would suggest, is that you put it straightforwardly, that you won't accept her nastiness and that she needs to be in therapy to stop it. Tell her that you love her and are willing to support her to change (if that is what you want), but that you won't support her behaviour. And stick to it. It offers a boundary, that perhaps she needs..

 

[Colleennorell]

Two sides to every story. Some of us have been in therapy and even attempted EMDR and meds and still have PTSD. But sometimes the ones we love the most can trigger a reaction and they know how to do it. I have severe PTSD and my husband has MS. Somedays I take care of him, some days he takes care of me. Somedays no one gets out of bed and somedays we throw a great party. Illnesses of the brain are hard to understand by outsiders. Judgement is wrong. No one knows what it is like to be sick and lose your amazing careers and be judged by others.

 

[Meadowsweet]

There are two sides to every story, and certainly there are supporters who push buttons and then play the victim when they find a reaction. I've even come across someone who diagnosed his wife with PTSD to explain why she told him he was controlling.

But on a forum, we are limited to what we are told. In order to not form judgement about what is not there, we can only give practical advice based on the facts that we have. All relationships need loving boundaries. When there is an illness, the boundaries need adjusting to that individual.

I'm not sure if you were replying to me Colleennorell, I took it to be so as you have quoted my post in the next post down. Sprry if I'm misunderstood that.

 

[DharmaGirl]

No one knows what it is like to be sick and lose your amazing careers and be judged by others

Yes, yes I do know. I know exactly that. I also know that I don't have a husband or significant other, so I can't really comment. As Meadowsweet said, not enough info. I just get frustrated with sufferers who expect their supporters to take whatever they dish out while waving the PTSD flag.

 

[Colleennorell]

What is a PTSD flag? Perhaps a white flag that says I surrender and I am sick. No one asks for it and I know in my life I never use it as an excuse. It uses me. After 27 years as an air traffic controller, a tennis player, an artist and a great cook and event thrower , I never use it as a crutch. It has a hold on me. I would give anything to have my life and health back again. I used to Rick at everything I did. Now I can't event lift my paint brush and am afraid to fly. Not an excuse, it's a reality.

 

[kahlan]

As a supporter who has been in a verbally nearly physically (I'd rather have been hit honestly) it doesn't matter ptsd ot no ptsd jerk behavior is jerk behavior...I'm gonna call the "it's my ptsd get used to it" jerk behavior. She needs therapy...they both need healthier communicatio....finally he needs to understand more about the disorder. Create boundaries and decide if the relationship is worth the struggles that will lie ahead.

 

[StarChild]

Hi Colleennorrell, what do you want to tell or express by quoting parts or an entire thread, but don't comment on it?

It would be more helpful for us to better understand you, if you please just quote the specific text and answer it in the same post. Because by doing so, you would help us to help and understand you.

 

[Colleennorell]

Kahlan,
No one deserves abuse. If you are in or know someone that is in an abusive relationship then they need to get out. My point was just that before I got PTSD my husband knew me at my best. Then he got MS and I still know the best of him. If one day one of us says, I can't take it anymore then that won't surprise me. But we said for better or worse just before we both got sick. Maybe not the couple we were that day, but we are still hanging in there. PTSD is a horrible disease because you don't see it coming and no one understands. I don't use it as an excuse. It uses me. It has ruined my health and relationships and career. But I still keep on truckin'

 

[Colleennorell]

Hi Colleennorrell

Hi, I saw the rules and it said not to quote others. Perhaps I am confused. But if you will tell me which comment I made I will share why.

By the way forgive me. I don't find the site user friendly so I am still navigating it.

 

[Colleennorell]

Sweet lullaby , if you can give me a specific I will direct you to the post I was responding to.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Personally, I don't like a them and us attitude from supporters or sufferers. And I offer advice to the few supporters who have the courtesy to ask, based upon what they are asking.

I have PTSD and have found too much prejudice aimed at anybody and everybody with PTSD as we are all pushed into the same corner with a label by which people assume to know me personally. Not everybody with PTSD is nasty to others and not all supporters play mind games in order to disturb their partner. But all people are responsible for improving their behavior where they can.

If my PTSD was the cause of me being nasty to my partner, I would probably leave anyway. But if I couldn't leave, I would go for more therapy, however much I had had already.