Housing, family, cant clear my mind enough to think things thru

[Smile]

I’ll try to keep it short but clear with bullet points:

• Moved from hometown to a new state 4 years ago. Moved for weather & that I had 2 family members that lived there/here.
• It’s been hard. Have had 2 T’s. 1st one lasted a year, 2nd has been 3 years... not really over yet but may be. 1 Psychiatrist who’s terrible but only thing I could find
• Since moving here, 1 family member (with family) moved & that was the one I was kinda closer to... that was hard
• A cousin with family moved here recently and I was so excited bc I love them... laid back pple... but my screwed up self messed that up. They kept inviting me over but with my stupid head stuff, have barely seen them and feel like I’m constantly apologizing... not relaxing
• Mom (very complicated relationship) came to visit for a month. She’s staying by me in my ONE BEDROOM apartment . She’s definitely trying her hardest but it’s all screwing with my brain
• So I can’t afford to stay in my apartment bc haven’t been able to do any work lately so been thinking of moving to another state where I have a LOT of siblings/family. Like 5 families. But...
• When I asked my sister the other day if she’d be ok with me staying by her just till I’m able to move into my new place she came back with this statement, “we’d love to have you but I just have 2 conditions. 1st is that u don’t smoke (cigarettes) anywhere near my house & the 2nd is that u shower once a week.”
• OUCH. I felt sucker punched. Lately I have an issue with showering...something I’ve shared with my sis. I told her it hurt me the way she said it but that I understand her and she apologized. But now I don’t know if I DO understand. I mean, either invite me or don’t. So I think I have to say no to her house.
• Living with mom has made me terrified of ever living alone anymore which is BAD.
• I have barely/,maybe enough money for next months rent with bills but after that, it’s $0 so I’m kinda desperate.
• Wanted to move back into my car but unfortunately my back pain issues have gotten worse so it won’t work
• Feeling lost, don’t know who to talk to. I’m having issues with everyone right now... is that my fault??
• Oh, and my anxiety is at an all time constant high (got off ssri’s and refuse, so far, to get back on) which leads to pretty bad depression/suicidal ideation

I didn’t cover everything but I think I got the gist across.

Sorry if I’m not being clear. Sleep deprived... it’s in middle of the night

 

[Deleted member 541]

I don’t think that your sisters boundaries/stipulations were all that outrageous that you would turn it down.

People don’t like cigarette smoke as it causes cancer, it smells awful, and it gets into everything you own.

Showering...........well, after a week you start to smell, your hair gets greasy, and it’s uncomfortable for the people around you to have a close relationship with you.

 

[Supervixn]

I agree with She Cat. I wouldn't throw your sisters place out for that. I've had way harsher ultimatums/rules and still coexisted. I'd be lucky if any of my family would open their home to me

You can do it. Get some rest because it's almost impossible to make good, far reaching decisions when you're sleep deprived. You have a few options. Maybe do a pro/con list for all and you can narrow it down. Definitely wouldn't bother with sleeping in the car.

 

[Justmehere]

Have you been in touch with your county social service sabout any support or help you can obtain while unemployed? You are having to deal with a lot with very few resources. I’d probably lose my mind if my mother stayed for a month in a 1 bedroom apt. Have you set any boundaries with her to help navigate this time together?

Oh, and my anxiety is at an all time constant high (got off ssri’s and refuse, so far, to get back on) which leads to pretty bad depression/suicidal ideation

“we’d love to have you but I just have 2 conditions. 1st is that u don’t smoke (cigarettes) anywhere near my house & the 2nd is that u shower once a week.”

There is actually a very strong link between smoking and being suicidal. Here’s an article:
http://www.latimes.com/science/sciencenow/la-sci-sn-smoking-suicide-risk-20150527-story.html You have run into other issues and consequences of smoking before, and it’s a really hard habit to quit. Choosing the cigarettes over time with your sister in a state you want to be in... that’s a really tough choice.

I can relate and respect the choice to not try SSRIs again. In our other post you talked about how you were afraid to take them because of weight issues. Have you thought about Wellbutrin? It doesn’t put on weight and it can help reduce/quit smoking. Have you talked to a doc about other types of meds?

As for your sister, you wanted unconditional free place to stay. She has two conditions that may help your long term health and well being. Maybe she shouldn’t have said it the way she did, but the request to change two behaviors if you are staying with them because those two behaviors would impact them and their home seems resonable. It would also hurt to hear. And you do have the freedom to say it’s not for you. Are you working on the fears around showering in therapy? I know it’s not likely to be as simple as someone telling you the importance of doing it. You are clearly in a very rough spot to be suffering this deeply. My heart goes out to you.

They kept inviting me over but with my stupid head stuff, have barely seen them and feel like I’m constantly apologizing... not relaxing

But they keep inviting you... hold on to that. Even if you can’t yet bring yourself to be around more, they want you.

Your mind might not feel very clear right now but I think you laid out a lot of things very clearly. In another post you mentioned some changes you are thinking of making about therapy. I think there is good cause for hope that things can improve. :hug:

 

[Friday]

OUCH. I felt sucker punched. Lately I have an issue with showering...something I’ve shared with my sis. I told her it hurt me the way she said it but that I understand her and she apologized. But now I don’t know if I DO understand. I mean, either invite me or don’t

It's really normal to have boundaries with house guests, both short & long term.

Sounds like from what's going on with you & your mom that maybe your sister is more healthy in this area?

***

Personally, I smoke. When I'm visiting people who don't smoke, i leave the property to do so, unless specifically asked/told that I don't need to. It's just good manners. It goes beyond good manners though, if it's not a private home, but a building. My own building I could smoke on the roof, but many of my friends live in buildings where that's grounds for immediate eviction, including if it's a guest smoking anywhere on the property (balconies, roof, parking garage, etc.). Either way, though, I tend to appreciate people giving me the heads up about the local smoking code when I'm visiting. Whether it's personal/private residence or community/building rules. It helps me be a good guest.