How Am I Supposed To Have Thanksgiving With My Perpetrator?

[suzie q]

I have recently reconnected with my parents after many years of therapy, maturity, and a recent surgery with my father. I guess I just got to a place where my ability to protect myself (in my bubble of safety!) and being tired of feeling like a victim caught up with me. It must be true that as you get older, things just don't matter or cause reactions like they used to.

Anyway, I took a chance and helped them get through my fathers open heart surgery. My mom is physically and mentally unable to have taken care of him on her own, so she called, and I went without hesitation. Maybe that was the trick, I didn't think about it, I just went..for 3 months.

I thought that things went well...my father recovered miraculously and I was able to see my mom as a very sick old woman. We actually worked on some issues I had with her on my childhood trauma and the fact that she let her half-brother molest myself and my little brother for the 3 years he was living with us. He was only 4 years older than I was, so I really in the beginning felt like he was my older brother. Anyway, I explained what happened to us to her (again, and again) because she seemed to be more receptive to some of the things I was talking about. She had ALWAYS denied that anything sinister had ever happened and I pretty much felt unvalidated and not believed my whole life by her.

She reached a point where she finally saw what had happened and was very sorrowful and angry at my perpetrator. I thought she had worked through her denial and I was relieved in such a way that I felt soooo free!! We talked later about more of the trauma and what it did to my little brother. Wow, how healed I finally felt.

I called her today because family from Texas I haven't seen in 20 years will be driving to their house to spend a week at the holidays. I was so excited to finally, after all these years of isolation, I would be spending time with MY family! That's when she just sorta dropped the bomb. I handled it well on the phone, but boy do I feel fuc**d hard. I'm trying to calm down and figure out how I'm going to handle this situation.

My perpetrator will be joining us for the holidays. I have to look at that miserable piece of human flesh and have a meal with him and his family. I am determined NOT to let him have power over me but I am REACTING really huge and some of my symptoms are surfacing. I have 10 days to work through this sh** and have a plan of tolerance and safety. I have already told him I have forgiven him, but hell, I thought I wouldn't be trying to eat a meal with his pus across the table!!! My mom even said that she was sending gas money so they could attend. She said "he doesn't have any family left but me so I said I would pay for them to come". In other words, they wouldn't be coming if not for my mom's loan.

Isn't this right after all that healing of denial and her stating to me that she believed me? What the F***!!!!!! I feel so betrayed and tricked...once again my mom has overlooked what he did to us and how our whole lives were terribly altered because of his molestation. (he was 14 at the time and knew perfectly well what he was doing) I just want to cry for my little brother and the life he has lead.

How am I going to keep myself centered and safe and visit with his sons, that he probably molested, without wanting to hurt him physically or mentally. I said I forgave, but I can't forget. I don't condone what he did or all the years he found ways to deny his abuse to my parents and himself. I'm totally freaking out right now emotionally. Logically I know that I will be able to handle this when it comes, and I want to take that huge healing step and not allow it to bother me. I want growth, not more trauma. I have to be there so I can see my family from Texas. To hell with him, but..... HELP HELP

 

[Deleted member 541]

Honestly....I don't know if I could go......I would feel so very invalidated, and hurt by this........I hope that whatever decision that you make, you make it based on what is healthy for you.........Good luck!!!!

 

[BethRSA]

What a difficult one! :doh:

I too would feel very hurt, invalidated and betrayed by the situation.

Is it worth it to see the other family? Only you can answer that.

If you do go, try to plan how to cope. Some ideas...
-Make sure someone you trust knows about it (friend, boyfriend, husband) and will help you by being a buffer between you and him
-Make sure you don't have to sit across (or next to) him. If you are on the same side of a long table, but he is 3-4 people away from you, you won't have to see him as much
-Plan a safe place (car, room, etc.) that will be available with calming, grounding things for you. You can go there when you get too stressed.

I'm sure others can think of more. I do feel for you--I don't know if I could do it even though I've forgiven my rapists.

:Hug_emoticon: Beth

 

[This Ends Now]

Wow

SuzieQ,

Yeah that is pretty messed up. :Hug_emoticon:

I keep trying to run through how I would handle this and what advice I can give. It is so twisted when the perp is part of the family because it can fracture so many relationships. I think you are going to have to ask yourself some tough questions before you make your decision.

1. Can this person still hurt you? If the answer is yes, if he is violent or would put your safety at risk then you should not go.

2. What would be your plan of escape if necessary? If you have a way to leave then you might feel safer. Prepare for disaster ahead of time and you will have that as a safety blanket just in case.

3. How will you react to this person? Sometimes confronting someone who has hurt your family so much can cause serious reactions. If you believe you will have a severe reaction or might jump across the table and carve him up along with the turkey then it is probably better to avoid the dinner.

4. How will you other family members react to your reaction? Your mother was in denial for a long time so what about them? Do they even know? Do they care? Will they just add fuel to the fire? If you think that this could turn out ugly for you then it might be better to avoid the dinner.

Perhaps calling your perp and watching how you react to the sound of his voice will help you judge how severe your reactions will be. Then take a look at how your mom and dad react to your reactions to get a feel for how other family members might handle your reactions. Think of it like a "trial run". You may be able to handle the dinner and feel some sort of catharsis when you see that the perp has aged and lost some of his power. On the other hand you might feel threatened or retraumatize yourself by having to be near him.

Calling friends in the area and calling local resturants to see which ones will be open might be an alternative for you. If you have other people in the area you want to see or someplace else you would enjoy going then it might be easier to make an excuse for you not to go. It also might help you get through the dinner to have a reservation at a local resturant (some place nicer than you would normally treat yourself to) and make an exit if and when things get tough.

I wish you the best this thanksgiving and hope all goes well for you.

Liz H.

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

SuzieQ -

First, let me tell you - your feelings regarding this are completely valid. It seems (IMO) that even though your mother has finally accepted what happened to you - she is still trying to keep peace or play the game of "but we are all family" - which is not what you need at all.

I couldn't do it - I'll be completely honest - unless someone promised me - I could knock the H*** out of my perp and then get up from the table and leave.

I agree with all of the safety points everyone has given you above - but only IF - YOU decide you can really deal with this.

For me - an exit plan would be mandoratory.

I'm so sorry - that you have been let down again, I'm so sorry that your mom isn't capable of seeing how harmful this can be for you, my stomach absolutely turns at the thought of you having to be in the same room with him.

I'm just so sorry.

 

[pandora]

Wow that certainly is a tough one. If your safety is going to be compromised..Please do not go.

If you can bring someone with you..that would be a big help and might make you more comfortable. I can see that you really want to go..its your FAMILY..I understand that you have a right to go, It is unfortunate that your Mom is loaning him the money..I am sure you feel hurt and betrayed by her actions. I would. It is a hard decision...if you do go make sure you keep your distance..focus on breathing and telling yourself you are safe now and he will never hurt you again! I hope whatever decision you make it will all turn out ok and not traumatize you any further.

My ex-husband was so abusive ( we have minimal contact..more like little to none right now) My anxiety peaks just hearing his voice and I start to shake uncontrollably..if you think you might react this way then you also need to be aware of your own mental health needs too.

Good luck..It is hard to give advice for something that is such a hard decision and one that could cause you more sadness and grief that you do not need...

 

[anni]

Hi,

I can't imagine how frustrated and betrayed you must feel! You have huge resolve that you would still consider going to that dinner. I hope you can do it from a position of strength.

It sounds as if the situation was 'slid by you' and put you in a position where you feel you have to acquiesce or face loosing your own holiday. What an incredibly unfair position to have been put in! I know that when I had to face my abuser both in court and in very frightening child-visitation situations everyone expected me to 'behave', as in not react emotionally to the presence of someone who beat me, tried to murder me, kidnapped my baby and stalked me for 3 years. That was in an atmosphere where of course noone was expected to be having anything like a good time, but I still felt threatened, alone, and extremely betrayed by the court system. You should be able to have the expectation of a lovely, safe family holiday and I'm so sorry to read you have been so violated yet again.

Please do not feel frustrated by this suggestion. You have so much to deal with I do not wish to add to your burden by implying it's your responsibility to change your holiday plans. That could only be more upsetting to you! I'd like to say that if it's at all possible to just not go, perhaps that would be a good thing for you. You could have your own cozy, safe little celebration with those whom you choose to share this day. Perhaps others would react negatively to this decision on your part but it's your Thanksgiving, your life, and your struggle to maintain equilibrium in the midst of what that person did to you. Holidays should be special to you, especially since I'm sure so many in the past have already been colored badly by this dreadful person. You deeply deserve peace and if others can't respect your right to reclaim your peace they also do not deserve your presence.

If such an action seems too radical and stressful for you and you find you have to be there, make sure you are as far removed from the man as possible. Furniture, people, even dogs can just plain create distance from him!

Maybe an object you value, like a string of Rosary beads or just some special momento given to you by your partner will give you some comfort. I know I had the imprint of my grandmother's beads in my palm for at least a day after the last court hearing, from clutching them so hard for so many hours!

I also started to do this 'thing' which sounds strange but I do it to this day because it always does give me some comfort. I'm only offering this suggestion because I feel so much for your predicament and you asked for help. I know we are all so different but if anything I can write could possibly be helpful I'd hate to leave it out. When I feel threatened, or have to go into a situation I know is going to trigger me I imagine this nice, protective dome of really bright white over me like an upside-down bowl. This dome is so tough and strong and good that nothing can 'get' me. I do laugh to myself wondering what on earth anyone would think if they knew what I was up to but I can say it helps.

I hope all is well with you. If nothing I've written has been helpful please do at least know I'm thinking of you and wishing you some peace.

Take care,
Anni

 

[tryintobreathe]

Maybe you can sit at the Thanskgiving table and sort of run through your head some "what ifs"...what if I threw a turkey leg at his face? What if I dumped the mashed potatoes on his head? What if I poured gravy all over his lap?

Honestly, if it was me, I don't think I could do it.

Good luck...you've gotten some GREAT advice...not counting mine!!

Do what is best for you.

Jen

 

[2quilt]

If this were me, I would not go. Your perp will have plenty of opportunities to hug you, say terrible things to you, touch you, look at you in ways that will make your skin crawl.

 

[kers]

I feel for you. I spend both Christmas and Thanksgiving with the guy who physically abused me for years. It's not easy, but I have found that it is important for me to do so for several reasons; first, I refuse to let him take my family events from me. i have a right to spend time with my family. Second, even though it hurts, it helps me to face him on occasion and work through another layer of my healing.

It's not an easy decision, but it has to be your call. You don't have to justify your decision either way, not to anybody.

If you do go, I echo the suggestions to have 'escape plans' if you get overwhelmed. I have friends I text from the bathroom, lol, and I make sure to keep large pieces of furniture between me and him. I also take really gentle care of myself for several days afterwards--I treat myself as though I've been sick, eat comfort foods and watch silly movies and try to let myself be sad, upset, angry, whatever.

 

[Hen]

Do you have social services in the US? Like child protection? Could you let them know what he did to you and your younger brother and let them know he has children? He could still be doing this. I did with my dad as he was trying to gain control over me again and was trying to get to my daughter so I let social services know and this was good for me as it said to him that I was strong, people believed me and you did wrong.

But as far as the family events go, I am completely cut off from them as there are too many of them and they don't believe me and many don't know. One day when i am strong enough I will let them know but at the moment my priority is getting myself strong and well. I also would not trust myself not be be rude and confrontational to him.

 

[chowda]

SQ, If you do decide to go - and I know it's so hard to decide, please make sure your support continues beyond the day, as in the week that follows. Sometimes we can dissociate enough to get through something, but get slammed with aftershock later. Having a cell phone with you with live people expecting to hear from you at any time, as well as an appt set up for upon your return can help you hold it together.

Personally, I think your mom goes in and out of "getting it, " as evidenced by her sending money. For me, this would be the bigger issue, I guess, because she did support you and then kinda went limp on it. Too bad you can't force her hand to call them and cancel their coming. Make the money a Christmas present instead. If she can't come through for you, you can come through for yourself -- and maybe plan a separate visit when you can visit in peace? I guess I'm leaning toward suggesting you don't go.

I picture myself being in front of my father only with law enforcement present. It's not like he's a physical threat, but I don't know that I have the emotional/ego protection strong enough to buffer myself from him. Even his words are toxic. So I don't have holiday contact, etc. At least I'm safe.

Best of luck with your decision and know that we can ALL relate to how extremely difficult a situation you are in. Cherish yourself.

Chowda