How Am I Supposed To Have Thanksgiving With My Perpetrator?

[CCurry]

Hi SusieQ,

WOW, I feel for you and I can say that I understand what and why you are feeling like this. I say this because I have a VERY similiar story to you except he was my older brother (not half brother) and my mother has lived with denial about this for many years. It's like every time I bring it up (which isn't as often anymore) she forgets what happened and I have to remind her again!!! What the F###!

Anyway, personally I would not go and over the years my mother has tried to put us together during a holiday BUT I've have to repeatedly tell her that I will NOT see him. It was bad enough that last week when a family member died I had to see him at the funeral. I kept my distance and the whole time I wanted to throw up looking at the evil man and what's worse is my mother still adores him.......UGH!!

Good luck if you still decide that you still want to go!

C.

 

[a3a2]

SusieQ,

I just glanced through your diary. I couldn't do this. To do so, for me, would be putting myself in great emotional danger. What will eating Thanksgiving dinner with them do for you? I believe no matter what occurs at the dinner, you will leave feeling as though you have been abused all over again.

 

[suzie q]

Carve Him Like A Turkey?

What a great bunch of advice and experience I've received so far!!! :smile: Many, many thanks to all who have reached out and given me support, love, prayers, experience, suggestions, ideas, validation and understanding. I truly was overwhelmed.

I like what was said about mom playing a game. I thought on that for a day or two and am pretty sure she is doing just that. She is very insecure when she is not the center of attention and is not liked very well by my dad's family from Texas. My uncle has always hated my mom and went so far as to try to tell my dad how she was treating us when he wasn't there.

We lived a short while with my dad's family when I was first born. My uncle said she was very violent and impatient with me so they took me away from her quite often. I guess since she felt that dad's brother had invited themselves to T-giving that she could and should invite her family. I don't think she thought of me at all when she made that invitation. She was probably (as usual) thinking only of the lack of attention she would get unless she invited my perp. It is a game, and most of the time, she is portraying the helpless, victim mode.

See, that's just the crap of it! I don't want to have the same reaction of victim or pity party. My husband and I talked about the situation and his reaction was that he would be stressed out with him around. He comes from a dysfunctional family as well and thinks that my mom is forcing me into this situation. After all, he said, she didn't call and ask you first, did she? Good point. I tried to rally with, well it is her house. It didn't go over so well as a valid point. I just want to be strong in this!!!

One thing I have finally gotten in my head is that I am only as sick as my secrets. Hell, it's been over 35 years since the abuse. I know that he can't hurt me unless I let him. Because of his repeated effort to admit his responsibility, I had to let go trying. That was really hard, but I knew he was sick and unable. I had to move on...so why am I now so full of rage with the situation? I thought I had moved on, but maybe not.

One of the options I have in this is that I can visit when he's not there.

When he comes for dinner, I either go out with hubby or stay in the RV until he eats and leaves.

Another is to leave before the dinner and go home.

My husband has insisted that I call my mom and tell her how I feel and set a boundary...like sorry he's not coming. With setting the boundary I feel like everyone else will be disappointed and not have a good holiday due to my illness. My dad has a hard time with the stress and he was recently in the hospital for major heart surgery. I don't want anyone to feel forced into taking sides. It is up to me how I handle this, my health is my responsibility.

I'm a survivor, by God, and I am trying to not appear as helpless and weak. I know inside, I sometimes am, but why should this person have the power to keep me there? I want my power back. I've been told by therapy that I have to take my power back and keep it, not give it away. He doesn't have the right to re-victimize me and I want to find a way to stop that reaction in me.

What have I learned so far? 1. my mom is sick and very selfish and has to be in control of everything to have any self-esteem.
2. If anyone has a reason to be scared, it should be him. I'm a pretty good carver!
3. I have to call her and tell her how I feel knowing that it won't make any difference to anyone but me if I let this go.
4. I'm stuck at a place of damned if I do, and damned if I don't.
5. Maybe I should write some lists, ya know, pro and con, safety list, exit plan, etc... Even if I don't have to use them, they will be handy in the future I'm sure.

I know I am being selfish and self-centered in thinking that I would go, but I need a plan, one way or the other, to never let this happen to me again. I have to walk through my fear to get to healing. I just don't quite how to accomplish this.

I also want to apologize for anyone's discomfort (or triggering) while helping me in this mess. I know it's a matter of choice for me, but I do want to look at all my options and pray before I make a final decision. :crazy:

HUGS :Hug_emoticon:and KISSES :kiss:

 

[anni]

Hi,

You are absolutely not being in the least selfish, much less self-centered. Please do not be so hard on yourself because it adds yet another dimension to your anxiety/fear/guilt/shame! Your last 2 paragraphs seem to indicate you're feeling bad about yourself. You're ok! Obviously caring, loving and well-intentioned and just having an awful time with a situation setting off allll your alarm bells. It seems to me like others are definitely exploiting their knowledge of your kind nature and manipulating you into a corner they know you won't deal well in! That is SO incredibly annoying!

I don't know why others read certain posts but I tend to look at posts which do force me to look at triggers. Doing it in the safty of my home and in the safe margins of this forum helps for some reason. Engaging with others in situations that sound familiar is awfully helpful and again I don't know why. Some awesomely intuitive and informed people have structured this forum so that it somehow helps while one is helping. If I were brighter I'd figure out how that whole concept works but since I can't all I can say again is thanks to everyone! Including you for posting this.

Your mom is playing a game and makes up all the rules. She gets to move all the people in her life like pieces in her rotten game and by doing so she doesn't have to change anything for herself. She gets to force everybody to live in her version of her world, no matter who she has to throw under the bus. That sucks!! I'm sure many many of us are victims by way of the manipulations of others and BOY is it infuriating to see them operate!

If you do go to this dinner, it does sound as if perhaps you ARE thinking of doing so almost in rebellion against this disgusting man having wrecked your world.That seems like at least if you are there you would be in a position of some strength in yourself.You'd have to resign yourself, I think, to not having the Norman Rockwell holiday of course and would spend a lot of your energy coping with not only being in proximity with him but also with the various betrayals of the family members enabling the sitution. The forum members who replied all had wonderful ideas. A safe place to retreat, someone at the other end of text messages, furniture kept in the way, imagining turkey and stuffing dumped over his head, etc. all sound like plans I used when I was 'there'. A plan to exploit the strengths you seem to have seems to be what you're looking for, instead of just a way to plow through a completely unavoidable day.

I know this reply is getting long so please excuse me! I do not mean to 'preach' or sound like I know what I'm talking about more than anyone else because I don't. I'd like to add, though, that your 'damned if you do/don't point could be looked at another way? Either way you'll grow enough to somehow benefit. If you go and 'rebel' against what he's stolen from you it's just making your own statement to yourself about exactly that, especially if you refuse to engage in any contact at all with those who harmed you. If you refuse to go and have to weather the resulting famialial negativity, it's still a statement to yourself that you're not going to be manipulated anymore. Maybe trying ( if you can ) to look at your decision from a different viewpoint would make you feel more enpowered. It just has to be about you right now, not anyone else.

Praying is always very helpful too! :)

Again sorry for the long post! I've just been thinking about your situation and how I've 'been there' and hoping you'll have some peace with what anyone here says to you.

Take care, ok?
XO

Anni

 

[ghost]

suzie q

I am a believer in keeping people at bay, until they begin to treat you with the respect and consideration that you deserve.

Your mother is clearly not showing you this respect and consideration.

When you were a child, she failed to do her job as a mother in protecting you. As a result you have suffered in ways that she probably has never, or will never experience herself.

Now, decades later, after supposedly acknowledging her role in what happened to you, she continues to show you no consideration or respect; and once again fails to act protectively towards you.

Your mother failed you. In my view, she is extremely fortunate that you are prepared to have contact with her, and she should be doing what she can to (at least partly) make amends. But she is not. In fact she is potentially placing you at risk again.

In my view, by accepting her invitation, you are accepting her failure to treat with respect and consideration.

Secondly, coming face-to-face with your abuser has the potential to be a very destabilising experience. This is not something that anyone should be pushed into. If you feel that meeting your perpetrator is something that you would benefit from, than it should be done on your terms, when you're ready and comfortable.

These people have already caused you enough damage. Be careful about giving them the opportunity to do more.

 

[helena]

Hi SuzieQ,

I am with Ghost on this too - I am a very forgiving person but I would never set foot in that house.

Whenever someone causes me to feel pain by their behaviour I try to analyse, be objective and assess the situation. I normally ask two final questions which are:

a) Did the person intentionally mean to hurt and humiliate me by their behaviour?
b) Is the person(s) too stupid to realise what effect their behaviour would cause me to feel?

I have come to one or the other conclusions over the course of my life and have never felt guilty or regretted refusing to let them back into my life.

In fact, it gave me a sense of peace and a freedom that I would never have felt had I acquiesced.

I hope you reach the right decision for you.

Helena

 

[suzie q]

Made It Through Gobble Day

Wow!!! It's so good to be home and back to normal routine after the Thanksgiving from hell. I think I made it through with minimal triggering although mine usually happens some time after the original triggering.

Thanks so much to all that gave wonderful suggestions during my planning stages. I did make a pro and con list and found that if I did a few things, I might be able to make it through that one day. I wrote a safety and exiting plan before I went and told all involved (including both parents) what I would have to do to stay safe. They also knew that at any time I needed to leave, I could and why I was would be explained at a safe time for me. I tried to stay extra busy and fortunately there was plenty to do.

It was so worth attending to see my family from Texas. The last time I saw my cousins they were 6 and 3. They now are grown and one has a beautiful son named Elijah. He is 5 and has Down syndrome. He is high functioning and was as cute as a little boy can be. We ignored my mothers attempts to act pitiful for attention and spent quality time catching up. They told me that they understood what was gonna happen on turkey day and they all felt like my mother had picked that perv over me and were very mad about the situation. Even my Dad told me privately that he didn't want them to come. He said that in the past when they had come for dinner they would come late, eat, take all the left overs and leave. I found out that my mom's brother tried to get her to pay him 125$ for gas to get there. My mom was gonna pay until Dad told her no way. Gas to get from where he lives to my parents house is about 25$ I got really pissed about that and told mom that she was a nieve idiot. So the tension started to get thick from everyone there and I just tried to stay busy.

My spouse called every day and managed to leave a day early for the dinner. Just having him around helped so much with all the tension I had. My cousins Jackie and Shannon spent alot of time making sure I was out of freaky mode. Even my Aunt and Uncle pitched in to make sure I was comfortable. I don't think I would have been as calm without all the support.

Thanksgiving day came and I was up pretty early. Our original plan had been to let mom cook the turkey and ham and my aunt and myself would do the side dishes. I was so anxious that I ended up taking over the whole dinner by myself. I love to cook and so it was soothing for me to organize the dinner with this being my first dinner cooked by me for my family. Time flashed by and before I knew it, the perv and family showed up. First thing the perv did was to suprise me with a hug that I broke from rather quickly. His wife is totally f-uped on pain drugs and his two teenage sons acted so much like their dad that I just ignored them completely. There were 13 of us and before I knew it, all the food was ready. I cooked 19lb turkey, spiral ham, cooked cabbage, stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potato casserole, fried corn, purple hull peas, italian green beans, fruit salad, pea salad, huge relish tray, large cheese and grape tray, deviled eggs, gravy, two types of cornbread, two types of rolls, 4 pies, and a partridge in a pear tree!!lol... There was enough food left over for everyone to take home left overs. They said I cooked way to much food, but that it was fabulous and they were to stuffed to sit down. That made up for all the anxiety I went through while the perv was there.

He kept trying to be social and I kept leaving the room. All in all, I felt safe and had a wonderful time when he left 3 hours later. I don't know if I will have any further fall-out over his visit, but am glad that I went. It was so nice to see everyone ignore my mother when she would start to act up for attention. Either she had a lot of pain meds in her, or she just didn't put up a fight like she used to. She could make everyone so miserable but not this holiday! I don't think that all the future holidays will be that easy, but who knows.

Again, a HUGE amount of gratitude goes out to all of you who helped me through my first family holiday in 10+ years!!! I couldn't have gone without all the great advice I received.

HUGS TO ALL!!!

 

[kers]

I'm glad you found a way to get through it, and had a nice time after he left! You did a great job looking out for yourself and your mental health. Nice work!

 

[BethRSA]

Wow! So proud of you.:clap:

You gave yourself something else to do to keep your mind occupied, enlisted others to help, left the room when you needed to--WOW!

Thanks for giving us the update. :thumbs-up Take care of yourself.