How did you learn to express your healthy anger?

[Deleted member 12723]

It took a while for me to stop being scared of my anger, but it's just a feeling, like any other.

I am afraid of my anger as well. How did you learn to stop being afraid of your anger? I cannot hit a pillow because I am afraid of going that route in hitting or striking out, not an option for me either. Thank you for responding, I appreciate you taking the time to help me.

It’s a great question though and I hope someone or some grand wizard will step in and post on just how to control ones temper when you’d really just like to tell someone to f*ck off!!!!!

Me too. I tend to hold my in for far too long, thus being passive aggressive instead of healthy expression. I wish I could hold the emotion and take a time out and walk away.

I accidentally learned to take a step back and calm down, then I could choose to act rather than to react. *(or to do nothing if that were my choice). I am still not sure exactly how I learned to do this, but it works!

I will try this one, It sounds like something tangible that I could do. Thank you for sharing.

That's just part of life I think though mind you many times it happens stopped me from speaking back to them. But that's OK cause I never used t express myself... So maybe I am playing catch-up.

I am used to not speaking up at the right time, and since I found my voice it seems to slip out at times so I think I am playing catch up too.

While I don't cross the abuse line, I know I am still coming off too hostile. I'm better than I used to be, but still need to improve.

I come off as too hostile too, at least I think I am being this way. I want to turn the heat down and express myself in healthier ways so I guess it is going to take a lot of practice for me.

I know for myself, venting in this way was only giving myself a reason to keep the cyclical raging thoughts repeating. If it works for you, awesome. I had to stop doing this for myself though.

I can try it only after I successfully walk away to cool off. I understand though why you had to stop.

So I had to change my both thinking & my actions. The nice thing was that the more I did one, the more I could do the other. Which meant the more I could do one, and the more I could do the other! A very cyclical process of each step leading to the next, and the next, and the next. In a good way. Where I wanted things to be heading. And what was hard as hell to begin with gradually became easier, until it became knee-jerk.

I find this is very helpful because this is the root of my concerns. I am glad to know that it works with practice so if I aim for practice rather than perfection, I have a chance of changing two things I need to begin doing.

What we practice, we become. So practicing healthy anger? :tup: Exactly what you want to train yourself in.

Thank you so much.

Both neutral and focused activities still burn off / ie USE a lot of aggression (instead of bottling it up), and would start teaching you not to stuff &/or disassociate from anything that uses the same kind of energy, as well as to not to see all kinds of anger &/or violence as the same (someone shouting or hitting? Can actually be fun, and feel good/relaxing when it's happening AND when it's over... instead of doom/danger!

How is it fun? I am sorry, I did not understand very well on this last part. Thanks again.

Writting hate letters to the people that hurted me, but never send them.

I have not done this so I will try to remember it and I think it will really help me to begin to calm down. Thank you very much.

Good piece of advice i got was when you are angry say "bubbles" because no one can say bubbles angrily. I dont always remeber to do it but it makes me smile to think about getting really annoyed with someone and suddenly screaming out "Bubbles!!!"

I actually love this approach. I can say it to myself as a way to begin my disarming process. Thank you.

deep diaphragmatic breathing is like an automatic reset of my emotional state in any given moment and is priceless,

I am going to be writing this down on some DBT index cards I am using for coping skills from now on, thank you. In fact I am going to be writing all of them down.

Still learning but I'm learning to hold my anger by feeling my body impulse. This could be hitting someone or throwing cake at them or mowing them down with an Uzi. I was confused when T said this was essential to expressing anger in a healthy way but it has been

What is a body impulse?

So far we've created a 1-5 scale where I am to fully disengage when I get to a stage 3. It's still a work in progress as I'm learning to make a full exit when I get to this point. The issue is compounded by my need to please others and my inability to ask for anything (I can't ask for even a break or time out).

I think this is going to be a work in progress too for me too. I tend to people please so I thank you for the heads up on this one. I have to start practicing speaking up sooner so I see it is going to take some catching me in the beginning stages which is going to take a lot of practice. Thank you.

 

[Crow]

What is a body impulse?

Like the impulse to pummel someone or throw cake at them or toss daggers at their eyes. So feeling what it would feel like to pick up cake and throw it at the people across the table. Or feeling and imagining your fists hitting someone's face. To me it all seems so violent but it's helped moved the anger from inside to outside of me - placed where it usually belongs.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Or feeling and imagining your fists hitting someone's face. To me it all seems so violent but it's helped moved the anger from inside to outside of me - placed where it usually belongs.

Good idea, thank you, I will add this to the index cards now.

 

[jaccat]

What made sense to me was to realise that anger is valid a feeling as sadness, for example, but the difference physically is that it creates an energy in the body. If you can see the energy as something separate that you just need to burn off then you can kind of remove it from the anger, and the urge to do harm. The anger then becomes just like any other feeling.

I guess at that point it doesn't matter how you choose to burn off the energy as long as it works for you- a brisk walk, baking a loaf, boxing, whatever. For me, punching a pillow works because it diverts the urge to self-harm, which I get when angry. I don't get any urges to hurt other people.

I find writing angry letters helps, too.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

What made sense to me was to realise that anger is valid a feeling as sadness, for example, but the difference physically is that it creates an energy in the body. If you can see the energy as something separate that you just need to burn off then you can kind of remove it from the anger, and the urge to do harm. The anger then becomes just like any other feeling.

Thank you so much, this makes so much sense to me. I even wrote something similar on my index cards. This is so helpful to me, I appreciate you taking the time to get back to me on this one.