How Did You Tell Your Partner About Your Ptsd/ Abuse?

[Maggiemay]

Thank for the advice ;)

I like the idea of setting parameters & I agree it's a big ask for him. It's meant to be an opportunity to support me & understand my quirks better, but that's not how he's viewing it...

Xxx

 

[maddog]

I think Luke is spot on here Maggiemay and gives some great insights. I think we need to remember that while therapy is familiar and routine for those of us who regularly attend, it's a big deal and a foreign concept for many others, and one which is full of all sorts of silly stigmas and stereotypes that are going to make lots of people nervous. The fact that he seemed to be trying to halfheartedly joke about it sounds to me like he is anxious and is trying to deflect those feelings.

Once again, love what Luke said about parameters, making it feel like he isn't the odd man out and making sure he realises that isn't about an ambush or something he has done wrong. And giving him time and space to think are critical too - there's no point in him going if he isn't at least cautiously willing, and perhaps he just needs a bit of time to get used to the idea.

Give him a bit of time and perhaps raise it with him again in a couple of days if he hasn't said anything. It's hard when you're making yourself vulnerable, but try to just be upfront with him about the fact that this is something you're asking him to do to help you and to make things easier/clearer for him.

I know this is a really stressful time for you. There are no timeframes here, so take your time and don't rush any process that doesn't feel right, because your needs here come first.

Maddog

 

[rainy_daze]

I haven't read the other replies, Maggiemay, but I thought I would answer this:

How did you tell your partner? How did they react?

My partner knew I had PTSD quite early on, but maybe not the extent to which it was affecting me, or all the reasons behind it. He was the first person I had ever really told about my abusive father. I had told people over the years little details, but nothing as huge as what I told him. I only told him because I had a complete emotional breakdown after way too much alcohol. I do not recommend this in any way.

I told my partner when I was hitting rock bottom (and I continued to hit rock bottom repeatedly for a few years until I finally started therapy and started realising I was worth more than abusing myself in the various ways I had been). I didn't tell him a lot of details, and I still haven't. I personally think it is up to you how much you want to divulge.

His reaction was the reaction of someone who cares and loves a person. He eventually told me that it actually explained a lot about me, but that I was still me. It didn't change who I was in his eyes. It angered him to know how frightened I had been. It upset him to see how much I needed help. I think it hurt him a great deal. I don't regret telling him, because it made us stronger, but he is only human. If someone had broken down like that with me, I know I would have found it difficult to cope with.

My partner isn't like any other that I have had before. The relationship I was in before was chaotic, and looking back was ridiculously unhealthy and only fuelled my self-hatred. I would advise caution if you are in the early months of a relationship, but then maybe that is me. We all have different levels of trust or different ideas of what we want or need in a romantic relationship.

I'm petrified he's going to walk out my life .. urgh!

If he walks away, then that is his decision. As long as it is your decision to tell him and you know what you want to tell him, and you are prepared that he might walk away, and you are prepared that he might stay. I hope that makes sense. I wish you all the best with this Maggiemay.

 

[Maggiemay]

Maddog Thankyou ;)

I know he must be anxious - he has negative views of psychsservices after his mother was sectioned a couple of yrs ago, so it makes sense. I'm giving him space & not putting any pressure on him - it's totally his decision! ;)

Thanks rainy daze.

He said he doesn't need to know why I'm like I am. Something makes me think he may have skeletons too.
He's looked after me over the last yr, & hasn't run when 'crazy' me comes out to play (inc shouting down the phone @ him about something that had nothing to do with him... oops!) And he supported me when my nights were horrendous last yr - plagued with horrific night terrors & when I would black out (he was cross to find out I had one recently and didn't tell him...)

I guess you're right about walking away...

 

[Luke]

I am making a (somewhat impetuous) decision to leave this community. I seem to have inadvertently upset a member through my sleep-deprived poetic accounts of my own meandering thoughts as it pertained to his postings. In no way did I intend to parody or belittle him or his descriptive content. None the less, the last thing I want to do is to offend or disturb people with my vapid, insipid, or asinine offerings of moronic insight into my own psyche as it may (but probably does not) pertain or relate to anything or anyone , so... I think I'm done.

I just wanted to wish you well in your relationship. I hope things continue to improve for you, no matter what the outcome of attempting to incorporate your boyfriend into your past &/or your therapy. These are positive steps you're taking, & you seem to be rising to the occasion. Onwards & upwards Maggiemay, despite any temporary setbacks! :)

Best Wishes,
Luke

 

[Maggiemay]

Ahh thanks Luke

Sad though you feel the need to leave :( Your support is verymuch aappreciated. I haven't seen the post, but I'm sure you meant well. May be just lurk for a while? Xxx

 

[LizardViolet]

Don't go, Luke! This is the internet... sometimes people get upset. And here especially, we all should know that when people get upset, sometimes it is more about what's going on with them than anything we have done. (No idea about the specifics, I haven't seen the posts in question, but patterns, there are patterns...)

Maggiemay, lots of people here have said "Go at your own pace with disclosure," and then you've come back and said that your T is putting pressure on you to tell your boyfriend about your past. Would it make sense to say to your therapist something like, I have started disclosure, I will do it at my own pace, please cut out the pressure ?

I also agree with Luke and maddog that your boyfriend may be quite nervous about meeting your therapist. What he said suggested to me that he might be worried (or joking, or just half joking) about finding out in the therapy session that HE is your problem.

Luke, sorry you're in a tough spot, maybe wanting intimacy, maybe not, telling nothing or telling too much. It can be so tough to deal with people.

If I were writing a scene between you (the you in my mind, of course, I don't really know you at all) and the girl who is interested in you (who I know even less), it might go like this:

The Girl: I like you. And I'd really like to touch you. Don't you think you want that, too?
Luke: Part of me does, and part of me doesn't.
The Girl: I think I know which part does.
Luke: Yeah, kind of. It's more complicated than that. There are parts in my head that feel differently. And even that part might be ambivalent.
The Girl: Why?
Luke: It's hard for me to talk about. Do you get upset hearing about stuff like starving children on the news, or those girls who were kept prisoner in a basement for years?
The Girl: What?
Luke: Some bad stuff happened to me. I'd rather not go into it right now.
The Girl: You can tell me.
Luke: Maybe I will, but not now. The thing is, parts of me are kind of, um, twitchy. Sometimes things freak me out. Things you would think were just normal. Sometimes I don't want to be touched. Sometimes I need to be alone. If you're doing something and I ask you to stop, can I trust you to stop? Without asking questions, or arguing, or getting upset?
The Girl (thinks about it): I guess so.
Luke: It's not about you. It's really hard for me to ask for what I need. If you want to be close to me, it's going to be a challenge. For you and me both. I may do things that you don't understand, and that might hurt you. Do you like a challenge? Because if you just want a nice, normal guy, I'm not that guy.
The Girl (she's not so flirtatious now, she's more serious): I'll give it a try.

 

[saffy]

I do not tell my partner.

I like to try and keep him for a 'normal' dare I say it, life.

One where I know he will support me if needed and someone I can trust to make sure I am happy. To remain that way I try to divide my life. The one where I can be thinking about my past and what happened and how it made me feel, and the other with someone who I can be happy with.

I am glad to say that the latter is becoming more the norm. :)

I needed to allow myself some happiness without any thoughts of the past affecting it.

I suppose it is how I have learnt to cope after all these years :)

I wish you all the best :)

best wishes
Saffy :)