How Did Your Relationship Start?

[IvyMillie]

I'm wondering on this subject of relationships and starting them. How many with PTSD that get into relationships will bring this up early in the relationship? Or when is a good time? I mean if you like someone would you let them know you have PTSD and the symptoms of it? Would that help to get it out on the table? I don't know.

My husband didn't know he had PTSD. I barely knew he was a Vietnam Veteran when we got married. I don't know how it would have influenced my decision.

I truly think though that everybody brings some kind of baggage to a relationship. Although, my husband has PTSD I have some physical/health problems so really we both have to contend with each others problems.

I'm sure you could find someone that would say "Well she has PTSD, but I have problems too." Or maybe I'm just dreaming. There are some people that are exceptionally kind and loving that would be able to handle PTSD in a relationship I"m sure.

 

[Sandra]

As for my late husband he would NEVER discuss his past issues with me. He hid behind them all with his heavy drinking. I tried to discuss my issues with him and he basically said to me one day "why are you telling me these things." Needless to say it was the end of that conversation. I should have taken that as a red flag. That just showed that he didn't really care about me or my well being.

 

[jka37]

The beginning of my last two relationships (the second of which I am currently in) was very tumultuous. I am unsure of the exact nature of my trauma, but even just cuddling freaked me out and sent me into twitching.

I did utilize my head...I tell myself, "I can't avoid relationships, this will come up now or in ten years" and use that to help myself face everything. It does not, however, stop the fear, the desire to pull away, or the guilt over how my condition effects my boyfriend. It does not stop the twitching, the exhaustion, the emotional pain and anxiety.

Now, 5 months into my relationship, I am in the thick of dissociation and flashbacks which are nearly always triggered by my darling boyfriend. He is working to understand and learning to work with me. He helps me stay present.

Relationships are hard, but I'd rather have relationships than isolation. God gave us each other, for better or for worse.

 

[May1321]

Even though my issues are nothing like what my boyfriend deals with, I am still responsible for my past and how i feel today and react today. It is not my boyfriend's fault and i think we have that mutual understanding though it's taken A LOT of time and communication to get even to this point.

I knew he had PTSD going in but I dont' think he even realized how bad it was till he was lashing out towards me and I wasn't reacting or cheating on him. I don't try to tell him what he says when I know he is not aware he is saying it and we have gotten to a point where we can later discuss it and he's floored that he even does some of the things he does because he is not present when he does those things.

In order to attempt to make things work, I think there has to be a rhythm and a time between two people to have understanding for each other but you have to be able to accept who you are and how your are good and bad in order to move forward.

Brava jka37 as you know what makes a good relationship, it seems. To not run from it for fear of seeing yourself through someone elses eyes but in fact taking it as a challenge to better yourself for you and a partner.

Even though my relationship with my now boyfriend may not be forever, at least he has inspired the best in me and hopefully I in him, too, a little. I've sought help for my insecurities and worked to clean up my past so that I can be the best I can be for myself and him, or any other partner or friendship, even if my stuff is minor in comparison, it still affects me the same as his stuff affects him. *shrug*

 

[Sandra]

I was accused of wanting to work where I did so I could sleep with all of the men that worked there. Well there were 7500 men that worked there at the time. If I knew I was that good I would have started charging. Little did he know I have not nor will I ever cheat on anyone since I take the word "relationship" very seriously.

 

[doglover]

Thank you all for your replies! This has been really helpful.

May1321, that wasn't TMI! In my unattainable goal to create perfect, stress-free, already-knowing relationship patterns I thrive on getting information that may help me navigate them. I think you're right, that even good relationships take work. They aren't fairy tales.

jka37, I admire you for plunging into relating even if you have fears. I find that so hard to do - I feel totally incompetent in this area. I don't like feeling incompetent. I hope I can develop the courage to try also. I mean, I could go back to "dating" but that's lots of work too, takes up lots of my time. I had a good attitude about it before but not sure it is good timing.

Sandra, I'm sorry you didn't have a happy relationship and I am sorry you're hurting. ((((Sandra))))

I think it is a good point about motivation. If I look for a relationship because I feel lonely or because I don't feel complete and want that person to complete me, it will be hard to create healthy patterns.

Just like right now I don't feel like I would be the kind of partner I want to be, so I don't want to date. Otherwise who I feel like I match with could be very different from who I would match with after I get more healing done.... at least I hope I can make enough progress that that would happen. Sometimes I think this is just another excuse to avoid this stuff!

IvyMillie, as to your question. I obviously can't comment as someone in a relationship, but I did have symptoms which were mistakenly thought to be due to something else, and this did come up with my last partner. I thought he needed to know what to expect in case my behavior changed.

I would probably bring it up not too long after things seemed to be getting serious. As long as I felt like the person could be trusted as far as I ever trust people. Like hey sometimes I get in these moods, sometimes I push people away, sometimes I withdraw and have to work stuff out. Sometimes I need someone to ask me questions to figure out how I feel about things. If I think someone is worth the long-term, then I think it is fair for them to know what they might be getting into. Informed consent or something.

 

[Prettysmile]

Hi Dog Lover,

My Boyfriend is the one with PTSD. We too met online. He was infatuated with photos of me, I guess and in the beginning he was chasing me. I wasnt interested. When we finally met in person he was very much infatuated. On the first date he wanted to know where we stand. He immediatly wanted to make us exclusive despite the fact that he lived in another state where he was based in the Marine Corps. On the second day he was also talking marriage. And about a month later things changed, I dont know if he was pushing me away or was it the long distance at the time. I didnt find out he had PTSD until recently when he ended his contract with the Military a few months ago. Prior to him coming home ( in the state where I live). He was soo inlove with me. He said he thought about me night and day. He felt the butterflies, he couldnt wait to come home to finally be with me for good. For about a month things were perfect before he started pushing me away. It was like when we kept a long distance relationship things were better. Now I am dealing with the on again off again relationship becasue he often feels I deserve better.

He tells me things like he knows he loves me but he cant feel it. I guess thats the numbness you speak of that he might be feeling.

He often tells me I am a wonderful person, I am almost perfect and he doesnt deserve me. So i'm guessing if he did have PTSD when we met two years ago. He might of felt I was "logically" a good person. But I do believe he felt real emotions when we first met. When I met him he had just returned from Iraq about 5 months prior. So I dont know if thats what brought on the PTSD or was it his Deployment to Afganastan last year that did the damage. Maybe a combination of both. But when he was there and I was here ( the long distance relationship). He was way over the top mushy and put me on a pedastal. Sending flowers to my job, love letters, gifts etc. Now.. Nothing. I think he only began expierencing the numbness recently when we got closer and now seeing each other more often.

But He never technically pushes me away or shut me out. He just believe we should be friends most times and not in a serious relationship. However, we both dont see anyone else but each other. I guess the titles do something to him. All I know is alot of these PTSD relationships sound extremly similar.

 

[wife of]

I can never quite decide wether it is fortunate that I met and married my man pre ptsd,on the one hand I have wonderful memories and the hope that one day we can get some of that back and on the other hand is the fear that it wont ever be that way again.

I do think those memories are the glue that binds us though.

 

[Sandra]

That's the problem with an addict which my late husband was. They will accuse, blame etc for just about everything they can think of. That in itself just shows how insecure they really are.

 

[mamachick]

Sandra, I am so sorry for what you have had to go thorough. Hugs to you.

Doglover, you have answered your own questions with great reason, responsibility, and loyalty to yourself. We attract what we see in the mirror. I want to be much better before meet someone to spend my life with. I will also find that information for you about 1 year.

I read comments about -he was so in love with me, he thought I was great, he thought I was beautiful,etc. This is not about him. Do you find him wonderful? irrestistable? good for you? makes you happy? I am so amazed that women have the ability to choose their mates but way too often, we are attracted to a man who is head over heals with us, not what we find to be head over heals. That is called settling for whoever want us bad enough, whoever finds us most attractive, when it should be about what we want.

At the risk of reality-relationships do turn into our reality. Just a few questions??? How many childen would you like to have? how many for him? When? Method of brth control before kids? after kids? Who takes care of finances? Who will do the grocery shopping? What are your beliefs about disciplining the children? How will you spend your vacations? painting the house, at the beach, in front of tv? How often will you have sex? Have you shared what you really like and honestly ? What is is 3 best strengths? What is you biggest weakness? How will you address problems? could ask about 500 questions that are all reasonable. Its interesting when I talk to female friends who complain about their life with their partner and even when both work, a common theme is that her work is never done. If I ask, well when you got married, how did you two decide who would do the shopping, prepare meals and do the ironing? The answer is often-well it just happened. Initially I wanted to do these things but 15 yrs later I am sick of taking care of everything.

I ask myself how much progress I have made with my ptsd in a year? Why should I expect a relationship with another person to progress faster than my healing of ptsd? Personally, I do not want to go through the break ups and the heart aches of splitting up and dividing property. let alone sharing custody of children.

 

[Prettysmile]

read comments about -he was so in love with me, he thought I was great, he thought I was beautiful,etc. This is not about him. Do you find him wonderful? irrestistable? good for you? makes you happy? I am so amazed that women have the ability to choose their mates but way too often, we are attracted to a man who is head over heals with us, not what we find to be head over heals. That is called settling for whoever want us bad enough, whoever finds us most attractive, when it should be about what we want.

Oh wow Brat 17 you hit it right on the head with this statement. Very true. I wasnt even into my Marine until he showed me how far he would go for me and how much he adored me. You also made a very good point when you said we attract what we see in the mirror. I didnt know two years ago when I met my Marine whether or not he had PTSD for a fact. He had just returned from Iraq so I'm guessing yes now looking back at his behavioral patterns. But when he met me, one thing was for sure. I was broken and still getting over a very long and serious relationship with my ex fiance. I had called off my wedding because I found out he was cheating with a co-worked the entire time we were planning this beautiful wedding.

So I at the time i did have low self esteem, I was going through clinical depression and if my Marine did indeed have PTSD when he met me, it will explain why we attracted each other. ... hmm Wow Brat 17 you just gave me something to think about. We got along great back then.

Here we are now that he returned from Afganastan, He was recently diagnosed with PTSD. I sorter think it was there when I met him but his deployment to Afganastan just made his Ptsd worst. Meanwhile, I was over here healing.

Once he returned I was no longer that broken girl, I am stronger, I have rebuilt my confidence and now am I everything he is not or believe he is not right now? Is this the reason why he could be constantly breaking up with me everyother week? He pushes me away by saying I deserve better than him. Im sorry I should post this question in my own thread. But I notice there were a few suffers on here. Im the carer. I'd really like some insight on this. If I was still all messed up when he like when he first met me, would we be getting along any better?? Not that I am willing to go back down that road, that is not an option. I am just curious.

 

[SpokaneSunshine]

I haven't felt that giddyness of an early relationship since before my PTSD, and not sure if I ever will again. I have done some limited dating, but I found that the guys were very anxious to get into a serious relationship, and I just wasn't feeling it. Seems strange, as I thought women were the ones who were generally more anxious to rope a guy in. There is a guy I've been spending time with, but I am very cautious. He was very non-judgemental when he found out about my PTSD and the incident it stemmed from, and even shared a life-threatening even he experienced from his prior military service, so I'm cautious, but not throwing it out the window yet.