How do I get myself back under control?

[susannahsays]

The therapist is ditching me next week because she's moving offices. I feel enraged. I won't have an appointment for at least 1.5 weeks. I feel really angry because she says stuff about caring about me and wanting to help me. I guess maybe she does want to help, but she doesn't care. I haven't told her before that I think her claims are baloney because that seems rude. I just don't respond to them. But now I just want to tell her she's a full of shit liar and I hate her!

I also feel angry that I am so upset. The therapist's presence or absence shouldn't matter to me, and I am furious that it does. There's anger from knowing that my thoughts and feelings are rather entitled (I am having a hard time understanding why she can't move over the weekend). I am irritated that I've been weakened to the point where I am apparently dependent on the therapist and suffering withdrawal in mere anticipation of the gap in sessions.

I feel blindsided, too. Our last session was pretty good and I was feeling ok towards the therapist. I was only feeling mildly suspicious and was not feeling paranoid. That was very foolish. I feel tricked.

How can I reign all this rage in? We've been talking about my anger a lot, but we've only come up with one coping skill that I can turn to instead of acting out. The therapist says it's hard because everything that makes me feel good or that I like doing is harmful. I don't want my anger at the therapist to result in acting out behavior. I don't want to give her any more power than she already has. I just feel really out of control.

 

[Teamwork]

Don’t know the answer other than I can only go see mine every two weeks and recently he was away for a whole month, because his partner was sick. I have a long list of go to’s that I’ve cultivated which in the end makes my therapy more well balanced. Like I come on here, I read the cpstd comments in facebook groups, I am enrolled in a mindfulness course that was free at one of the online university’s. My t has a client area where you can listen to all the mindfulness stuff and he has recorded the relaxation exercise, so I try to do that one every day. I write in the note section of my ipad and ask myself what I would like to be working on in the two week wait. This cycle is gruelling and sometimes I’m fine and other times I wish I could get one full day with the guy and cover a bunch of stuff and walk out of there stronger, better, maybe even healed. Reality is, I get 50 minutes every two weeks. I know that I need to build a community outside of him. Because really its about me and the age we live in and fully accessing what’s out there. If there weren’t so much available I’d be pretty much in trouble with the schedule of help I’m allowed. In the end the internet and groups and mental health groups have been invaluable. I go on Pinterest and type in eft tapping or whatever and use what appeals to me based on stuff he has said or done, even if minimally. i mean in 50 minutes we don’t get too far, but if I am inquisitive and look further into eft tapping and try some of the videos that are out there, then I’ve added to my therapy from the home base for free. It’s kinda like this for me, I have an injured shoulder, bicep tear right now and the chiropractor gave me some exercises to do at home while I’m waiting to get into physio. I can choose to do them now at home or wait and only do them at physio when i get seen. I’d rather get on the road to recovery now, so even the bit the chiropractor showed me is useful while I wait.

 

[susannahsays]

I'm sorry about your shoulder. I understand the urge to proceed with doing something to get started with recovery, but I would think twice about doing exercises given by a chiropractor to rehabilitate an injury. They really don't have the knowledge to provide rehabilitative exercises, and you could end up setting your recovery back or even damaging your shoulder further. A physical therapist will be in a much better position to assess what exercises to start you off with, and will monitor how you progress and add to the exercises from there. And sorry you only have access to your therapist once every two weeks. That sucks.

 

[Wendell_R]

How can I reign all this rage in? We've been talking about my anger a lot, but we've only come up with one coping skill that I can turn to instead of acting out. The therapist says it's hard because everything that makes me feel good or that I like doing is harmful

This might be rehashing what you've already considered in session, but here goes, with some stuff that works for me:

• get some Play-Doh or modeling clay, make figures from them, and smash them up
• make little figures, and act out scenes that make me angry
• crayons or markers + big sheets of white paper, and draw out the anger while listening to music
• go to an out of the way place, sit in your car, and scream (my therapist's suggestion, but I am too afraid to do this yet)
• exercise, for as long and/or hard as your body can routinely handle
• end with soothing--soft blankets, good book, warm tea

The goal is not to make the anger go away, but to make it manageable. And when it gets more manageable, you and your therapist will be able to untangle how much is anger about not getting your appointment time and how much is about the deeper stuff we carry inside.

 

[susannahsays]

@Wendell_R Thanks for the suggestions. I think I will try the play doh idea. I'm having a really hard time restraining myself from sending a barrage of angry texts to the therapist to let her know that she's in the doghouse with me and... I don't know. My anger is screaming for me to punish her, but I have no control of or effect on her, so that's impossible, even if I did want to act on it. I see her on Friday, so hopefully I can restrain myself until then.

 

[Skywatcher]

I have an entire separate journal where I write out my anger towards my therapist when she goes on vacation, aka: abandons me. I have even shown the outside of this journal to my therapist before. I told her that is specifically used when I am angry at her. She didn’t seem surprised. I have folded and dated each vacation. I wish I could share my angry poems with her, but honestly the journal is like a child tantrum on steroids. It does make me feel better, though.

The most helpful things we have done is talk about my feelings before and after her being away. After last semester’s abandonment rupture from hell, I think that she now realizes how important this is for me to remain stable. I have her reading guided meditations on voice recorder. She will also give me a meaningful handwritten card when she leaves. These things mean so much to younger me. I also try to read the books that she suggests. I can write emails to her that she will respond to when we are in the next session. I used to write a lot. I seem to be getting better about not needing it as much.

 

[Friday]

I get myself under control by not feeding into my own bullshit until I can blow off some steam & break shit down / check myself.

An example of calling bullshit & breaking shit down...

s. I feel really angry because she says stuff about caring about me and wanting to help me. I guess maybe she does want to help, but she doesn't care. I haven't told her before that I think her claims are baloney because that seems rude. I just don't respond to them. But now I just want to tell her she's a full of shit liar and I hate her!

How do you define “care”? <<< Break that down

If, to you, caring for someone means never doing anything that makes someone else unhappy, always doing exactly what they want, when they want it, how they want it, at any and all costs... because they’re you’re first and greatest priority?

Then, yep. By that definition, she wouldn’t care.

(Although, lying would mean she shares the same definition, which is rather doubtful. I know very few people -outside of abuse- who define caring that way, and are unable to care for others whilst prioritizing their own life.)

If that’s not how you define caring, then I would call bullshit on that whole line of thought, not feed into it as if it’s fact, and further break down the pieces feeding into it. Reality check myself.

Some ideas there

- Cancelling a meeting doesn’t mean someone doesn’t care. It means they’re not available to meet at that time.

- Sick, moving, on vacation, the only doctors appointment for 3 months is at that time slot, funerals, accidents, injuries, jury duty, car breaks down... hundreds of things can come up that mean we’ll have to reschedule. None of which say anything about how much someone cares for me. They just say “life happens”.

- The exact same way that something happening in my life doesn’t mean I stop caring (or never cared) for the people I care for.

- Someone saying they care isn’t someone saying “life won’t happen, I’ll never get sick, or move, or go on vacation, or get a call my friend has been killed in a car accident”. They’ll care even though those things happen. To everyone. Them. Me. Caring isn’t contingent on having a perfect life that nothing ever goes wrong in, and adjustments don’t have to be made. 2 seperate things. That can both exist at the same time.

- etc.

***

The above is just one example (doesn’t care) of how I start breaking down my own thinking on things. I would personally grab whatever pieces all the other pieces are spinning off from, and work those out, first. The domino fall is useful to look at, too, though.

***

So is reframing... ex) ditching me (her moving is all about me, her avoiding me, her cancelling on me, leaving me) vs rescheduling due to moving (which has nothing to do with you)

It’s like the difference between
I’m dropping the kids off at Susie’s.
I’m dumping the kids at Susie’s.

Same act. Totally different mindset. One, you’re taking them somewhere. Two, you’re getting rid of something you don’t want.

Ditching me vs Rescheduling me. Totally different mindset.

 

[susannahsays]

I hate talking about my feelings, except anger. I feel like I let the therapist in a tiny bit last session because I admitted I cried recently and that something had made me feel scared, which is the height of vulnerability for me. I thought that it was ok, but now I wish I hadn't. I never want to let the therapist in ever again. She can't be trusted.

@Friday No, I never thought she cared. That itself doesn't make me mad. It's the saying she cares and recently saying she's concerned about me because I've been staying in bed and going a week without bathing, then abandoning me for 2 weeks so she can move her office to up the street that gets me. It hasn't even occurred to her that I won't get my session next week because she just doesn't give a shit.

Also, I have never been angry with the therapist for going on vacation. She hasn't been sick enough to not work so far.

 

[Skywatcher]

Why is vacation okay and moving an office not?

I’m sorry that you are struggling. It is very hard when it is that bad and you don’t feel like your T notices it’s depth. Perhaps try to find the little things that she has said or done that do show care? Even if it is just a little?

 

[susannahsays]

I don't understand why it's going to take two whole days to move offices. I mean, people move whole apartments in one day. I don't get why it's going to take two days to move one room of stuff to another. The whole practice is moving, but it's not like there are a bunch of extraneous areas. Just each office (like 4), a small waiting room with a few chairs and one table, and the receptionist's area.

Part of me feels angry that, if they were going to turn this into a 2 day affair, they didn't do one of the days on the weekend.

But I am mostly mad because I don't even think she has thought about how doing one appointment instead of two at the beginning of the week means she has saved C's turn of our two appointments and eliminated mine. She probably doesn't even realize that means I will have a 2 week gap between my turns. She hasn't given me a second thought.

 

[Friday]

I don't even think she has thought about how doing one appointment instead of two at the beginning of the week means she has saved C's turn of our two appointments and eliminated mine.

Who is C?

She hasn't given me a second thought.

Have you asked her? Or are you mindreading?

 

[Ronin]

She hasn't been sick enough to not work so far.

This is incredibly unfair statement.

You get she is also a human being, yes?
That she gets to have sick time, or the time she may be able to be available to others... and then needing simply time off. (Needing, not even wanting, just to be able to do her job.)

And do I recall right C is your - part, however one terms it?
If it is so, and you are having separate sessions, then that is *your* responsibility to manage, not that of your therapist. Just like anyone else with compartmentalization / dissociative issues would still deal and be dealt with as a single client, as per one body.