How Do I 'like' To Receive Love?

[Mystery]

Yesterday, I went to couples counselling for the first time together with my partner. The male T asked us both 'how do we like to give love?' and then after that 'how do we like to receive love?'

I had no trouble explaining how I like to give love but was almost totally stumped when I tried to think about how I like to receive love. I suppose I just haven't really experienced it that much or rather the love I have received in life has been really toxic and unhealthy. Starting in childhood and played out in my adult relationships, which have been horrendous disasters leaving me traumatized and devalued.

Do I even like receiving love? is a better question. Do I even know what love is when I see it or have it offered to me? Is the reason I have never really experienced proper love because I just don't recognize it?

What a revelation to realize at 45, that I have very little understanding of recognizing or receiving love in a healthy way. Is that why I have always chosen partners who have a fear of intimacy and a skewed sense of love, who treat me as an object and not a being?

How come I am sooo loving and giving (to a fault) and can give love, so freely and well but I can't receive it or like receiving it?

I'm hoping that others who have done work on this in therapy and are further along the track to a better sense of self worth, can give me some pointers on how to allow myself to comprehend this and begin to have a sense of trust in what real love is. I have experienced platonic love with friendships, even those were a bit one sided in me giving more than receiving though. This is a pattern I want to change but don't know where to start.

I know what it isn't and how to reject that but I just don't know how to receive it. Sounds ridiculous really to be this old and know that I've never learned the basics of something so simple.

 

[Hope4Now]

I just wrote an essay about this very subject! I have the same issue (as I have been told by several healer-type people. They all say the same thing that is simple but feels impossible--you have to give yourself some love and compassion first.

I'm having bits of success with relaxing enough to receive love. It is very scary to make oneself vulnerable in this way...both to self-compassion and self-love (which can feel very odd for traumatized people like us) and for noticing that some people in your life (hopefully) are doing the beat they can (in their own flawed ways) to love you.

 

[scout86]

It doesn't sound ridiculous at all!

I don't know anything about the specifics of your background. (One of the many things I'm "avoiding", is reading trauma diaries. If you have one, I haven't read it. Sort of like closing your eyes so you don't actually see the train crash, I guess.) But, if you don't get a chance to learn this stuff early in life, how WOULD you know?

Which doesn't mean I have any idea how to learn NOW. That's why I'm reading this thread. LOL

Had a funny thing happen in a therapy session awhile back. My T was talking about "shame based people". He was making me nervous. I had a vague idea where he was probably going with all that & was sure I wasn't going to like it. Finally, trying to come up with a way to end the topic, change the topic, distract him, or something, I asked, "So, what to you DO with people like that?" He, rather defiantly I thought, said, "You LOVE them!" Scared me half to death! There was a split second there where there were no words in my head. I was measuring the distance between me & the door, him & the door, him & me, all the while wondering what his next move was going to be and what was I going to have to do to protect myself. Weird reaction, huh? I kept all that under control, never said anything, (of course!) and we went on. I emailed him later and told him he was the scariest person I know, at the moment. And told him why. He told me later that he could see that he'd hit a nerve, but he had NO idea that that was going on. I was surprised how long it took me to get past that! Weeks, actually. So, I guess the word "love" is trigger? How weird is THAT?

Anyway, I totally get where you're at with this, I think. I hope some folks come up with some good insights, because I'm looking for them too.

 

[Mystery]

They all say the same thing that is simple but feels impossible--you have to give yourself some love and compassion first.

.

Thankyou Hope4Now, I think I'm afraid to feel that compassion maybe, in case I get overwhelmed with grief or something? I also don't know very well, how to soothe myself when I allow that state of total abandonment I came out of my childhood with. I think you really hit the nail, saying that the first step is compassion.

I know these things weren't my fault but I'm afraid of that vulnerability very much. I got through my whole life being tough and resilient as well as always being the big sister/Mother to everyone. It was really a comfort zone in the end of never having to be the vulnerable one. I tell myself there is always some one less fortunate than me and that I'm grateful for all the things I was born with that have allowed me to cope. I'm so afraid to set myself up for disappointment in case I go insane with numbness or possibly rage maybe? More likely it would be a state of lifelong catatonia and passive aggressive refusal to participate in the world.

Thankyou, I'm really interested to know more about your essay if you want to elaborate.

 

[Mystery]

It doesn't sound ridiculous at all!

. So, I guess the word "love" is trigger? How weird is THAT?

Yeah, you and me both Scout86, thanks for replying, the word love is just a word to me. A word related to something I give, I think. It's a bizarre revelation to realize that for the first time and shows me that I've been walking around in a fog of denial.

The only trauma diary I have read is Joeylittle's, I don't think I can cope with more than one at a time and as we both know, she is an amazing survivor who has a lot to offer other's in coping mechanisms but I really understand what you are saying on that, I feel the same. I haven't written mine yet, I've had a good think about it and maybe one day I will, when I know I can handle it. Don't know.

Childhood stuff is such a double bind to carry into life. We have evolved as social creatures who do need to be loved in order to survive. We were programmed to attach for survival and then continue to attach to an adult partner as adults. This program will run in our brain regardless of whether we like it or not. It's just biological. We were never meant to be lone survivors and don't do well when trying to live like that. We may survive but not thrive, I believe.

The problem for me is that most of my life threatening trauma came from two intimate partners and a few boyfriends that had a go but got rejected before ever getting to the stage of calling them a live in partner. I see that I somehow helped to create these bad relationships because I had never experienced anything 'normal' as a benchmark to compare them to. Now that I intellectually know better and know what I don't want. I have to try to figure out what I do want. Which even if I can do, I have to have a panic attack about, in case I'm reading people wrong again. Trusting in my own judgement, which has caused me to walk into two relationships that were literally kill or be killed in my twenties and thirties has proven to be the wrong thing to do in the past.

Maybe I need to work on that as well as having compassion for myself and not see it as pity or weakness. Trusting in my own judgement and intuition. I'm also scared of myself. I've had serious therapy for being homicidal to my second partner who was so abusive, I just decided I was going to eliminate him and go to prison for a nice cup of tea and a magazine! lol. Bad idea. I get scared that if I ever got into that situation again, I would lose the plot.

Aargh, the more I think about it the harder it seems, I need to take some of my own advice too. Just posting this was a big step down from always being the big sis. Thanks for caring, I hope we both get some more food for thought too.:hug:

 

[scout86]

in case I'm reading people wrong again.

Boy can I relate to THAT! (I'm going to have to spend the weekend dealing with my mom & "reading her wrong" is the one thing I can guarantee will happen!)

I've got a "not very good" track record on relationships too. One really good, but complicated one, that ended when he died suddenly, and 3 not so good ones (but not as dramatically bad as yours). My T, as it happens, has an interest in what he calls "superlative relationships." Here's the little bit of wisdom that I've gained from reading what he's written and contemplating my life.

He says that "respect" is the basis of a superlative relationship. It's one thing you absolutely need and can't have one without.

My good relationship was with someone I loved dearly and also respected. For reasons I've never understood, he loved, valued, and respected me too. Said he thought I was worth pursuing to the ends of the earth & he couldn't understand why no one else had beat him to it. (Inspite of the fact that I don't feel that way about myself or think I'm worthy of it.) The other guys didn't respect, or care about, me any more than I respected or cared about myself. It was all about them, all the time. Oh, sometimes they were nice to me, don't get me wrong, but that was usually a means to an end. The thing is, unless you get very, very lucky, why WOULD anyone respect you more than you do yourself? Furthermore, narcissistic scumbags, I suspect anyway, are attracted to people who don't value themselves, because they're so easy to work with.

None of which answers the question of "How do you learn this stuff?"

There are a lot of smart people on here, so I hope we get some good info!

 

[littlelostchild]

Being open to receive love is risky business. You have to be vulnerable, open to being hurt, and I've been hurt too much in the past, so that's why I think it is hard for me to receive love. It also has to do with not believing that I deserve it (abandonment issues). I recently had homework to tell my husband that I love him. It felt weird at first, but now after about 6 months it feels natural. We have been married almost 30 years!

I guess what I am trying to say is that change can happen, but it takes time and effort. I fought the homework at first (we know we love each other, what's the big deal about saying it, I said it twice yesterday - that's almost five times, etc.) but my husband wouldn't give up on me and now it is really nice. We continue the same way with other goals.

I really struggle with self-worth, abandonment, shame and I think they all play into making it difficult to receive love. I often wonder why he loves me, but he does, and I am thankful of it.

 

[Hope4Now]

I asked, "So, what to you DO with people like that?" He, rather defiantly I thought, said, "You LOVE them!" Scared me half to death! There was a split second there where there were no words in my head. I was measuring the distance between me & the door, him & the door, him & me, all the while wondering what his next move was going to be and what was I going to have to do to protect myself. Weird reaction, huh?

@scout86 I get this totally. You wrote it in a funny way that made me laugh, but it was an empathetic laugh. Receiving love is very, very scary. I am trying to start by just noticing when people do loving and compassionate things for me. Like even giving me a compliment. I am so used to waving off this stuff, or second-guessing it, or feeling that I somehow have to "pay" for it by returning the "favor" that I think I stare at people for a while as I try to process this new way of feeling. It's hard to explain. Sometimes it doesn't sink in until hours later...like if my therapist says something to me that is kind and loving, I'm like a deer in the headlights until later when I think about it when I'm by myself. Then I start second-guessing. It's crazy-making.

But I've started by trying to actually notice, listen to, and remember things. For most of my life, I've always been about just moving on...getting to the next thing to accomplish or do for others that will somehow make me feel like a worthy person. It never happens. So taking the time to review the day and recall loving things that came my way is my first baby-step to recognizing that there is love for me out there and available if I'm willing to receive it.

We were never meant to be lone survivors and don't do well when trying to live like that. We may survive but not thrive, I believe.

Lol...I wrote about this too...I've survived pretty well in my life, but I'm certainly not thriving. Yes, we need to be in relationship. We can be loners only so long and eventually something happens in our starving systems--illness, depression, exhaustion, etc. A yogi I worked a little with last fall told me that receiving love is no different from eating and drinking. It's necessary to both surviving and thriving.

Now that I intellectually know better and know what I don't want. I have to try to figure out what I do want. Which even if I can do, I have to have a panic attack about, in case I'm reading people wrong again.

Yes, if you're a caretaker type person as you indicate, (I am too), you've spent so much of your life anticipating and meeting other people's needs that you've lost sight of your own. I think sometimes that our lack of trust in our own judgment comes with having tried so hard to "fix" things for others...to meet their needs...and it never seems to be enough. It undermines our confidence. Even though our intuition tells us what people need and we can try to give it to them, when it doesn't make them happy or have the intended effect (e.g., making them happy), then we question our own judgment. ???maybe I'm way off here, or just talking about my own backlash from childhood.

I think I'm afraid to feel that compassion maybe, in case I get overwhelmed with grief or something?

Yes, me too. The thing that has helped me is the kind of therapy I'm doing which teaches me to see "parts" of myself...so I can separate one of my hurt child parts, for example, and visualize her, and remember some things that happened to her, and get to the compassion that way. After months of this compassion-dance, I'm starting to feel it a little. It hasn't transferred to my current self yet...I'm still pretty brutal on myself. I'm afraid too of the overwhelming grief that I sense is walled off in me somewhere.

I also don't know very well, how to soothe myself when I allow that state of total abandonment I came out of my childhood with.

Argh. Yes. I have this too. End up often in half-dissociated fantasy about someone safe and kind soothing me. That would be hard to take in real life, but fantasy is much safer :). I read all this stuff about self-soothing, and not much of it has helped me when the tornado of abandonment and self-criticism whirls around me.

It was really a comfort zone in the end of never having to be the vulnerable one. I tell myself there is always some one less fortunate than me and that I'm grateful for all the things I was born with that have allowed me to cope.

Yes, I completely understand and resonate with this. I think we can still be grateful for what we have/had, but feel self-compassion for what happened to us too. One doesn't negate the other. This is a lesson I am trying to teach myself every day, because I was raised to believe I was very lucky. I was in some ways--I had food, shelter, education, etc. but some pretty awful stuff went on too.

Just posting this was a big step down from always being the big sis.

I'm so glad you posted this thread. I hope you can feel good that you did--that you reached out. I think it takes a lot of courage to do this.

He says that "respect" is the basis of a superlative relationship. It's one thing you absolutely need and can't have one without.

I think he's very wise. I grew up with parents who had no respect for each other or for me. Somehow, I've been very lucky in many of my own relationships, and with my husband (who I've been with for 23 years)...mutual respect is one of the cornerstones of our relationship.

 

[scout86]

I'm so glad you posted this thread. I hope you can feel good that you did--that you reached out. I think it takes a lot of courage to do this.

I totally agree!

And, @Hope4Now , a lot of the rest of what you wrote makes a connection as well.

That little episode WAS funny..........the next day. At the time, and I told my T this later, I don't think I've ever been as afraid of a human being as I was of him, at that moment. I work with horses for a living. Some of them, some of the time, set out to intentionally hurt you. I told him that was the only situation I could compare it too. You know you're in danger. You don't know, for sure, what's happening next, but you have to be ready, what ever it is, because it's life and death and you only get one chance. And all he said was "You love them." ! It still freaks me out. Not so much that he said it, but that I reacted the way I did.

He also asks, often, what my "reason for getting up in the morning" is. My "reason for being in this world". In his opinion, in the end, what makes life worthwhile is "loving and being loved". I can't make any kind of connection to that. I keep telling him that, if I have to have something as ephemeral and unpredictable as "loving and being loved" as my reason for living, he may as well hand me a gun. All that comes down to luck and chance, you can't count on it. What I give him for reasons is stuff like "obligation, duty, trying to make the world a better place, I haven't got anything else to do and I AM here anyway....." He's never satisfied. (Last week, he asked, "What are you here for?" I said, "For a while?" and made him laugh. He said he liked that and was going to use it later in the day.)

Complicated stuff! Yep, @Mystery, I'm glad you posted this too.

 

[Friday]

The 5 Love Languages http://www.5lovelanguages.com struck me as one of the most common sense/ useful things I have ever been lucky enough to come across when I first bumped into it a few years ago. So incrediably helpful.

Here's a brief overview of the 5 different types from the website

Physical Touch
A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, and thoughtful touches on the arm—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Appropriate and timely touches communicate warmth, safety, and love to you.

Quality Time
In Quality Time, nothing says “I love you” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes you feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Whether itʼs spending uninterrupted time talking with someone else or doing activities together, you deepen your connection with others through sharing time.

Acts of Service
Can helping with homework really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. When others serve you out of love (and not obligation), you feel truly valued and loved.

Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important— hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. You thrive on hearing kind and encouraging words that build you up.

Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are heartfelt symbols to you of someone else's love and affection for you.

 

[Tinyflame]

How come I am sooo loving and giving (to a fault) and can give love, so freely and well but I can't receive it or like receiving it?

No words of wisdom but I find that as well.

If I heard @scout86 's 'you have to love them' & thought they meant 'me' I'd try very hard to not show I felt shame!

:hug:

 

[littlelostchild]

@FridayJones that is a great list. When I think of giving those (except physical touch) I am fine, but receiving any of them makes me really uncomfortable. I am working at it.