General How do I stop upsetting him ? Advice needed please.

[joeylittle]

His therapist told him I was a “ source of major triggers and stress”

I'm guessing that he told you the therapist said that. Which, whether it's true or not - does give you an opening to a conversation in which you ask him, if he had ideas about anything you could do to help alleviate anything. I think it would be worth an ask, anyway. It's even possible that you walking on eggshells and tiptoeing is part of the stress. It's definitely stressful for you, and might be for him, too.

If you feel like you can get into a headspace where you can ask him the question, and just listen to his response as openly and non-judgmentally as you can - and then give yourself some space to process the info, think about it, and decide whether he's talking about things that you can do, or whether he's really talking about his reactions and not your behavior (if that makes sense).

He didn’t hear and said “ I’m not even going to bother asking what you’re talking about”. I said “okay, fine with me”. This was nasty, and he said he wants out. I just leave him alone when he gets like this- talking makes it worse.He sees this relationship has very rocky.

By "this was nasty" - do you mean your response was considered nasty by him but you didn't mean it that way, or that you think your response was nasty?

It sounds like you are lashing out at him a little....a different response to what he said (above) would have been "it's OK, I was just talking to myself" - since you were. But it also sounds like him saying "I'm not even going to bother asking" also hurt your feelings, which might have influenced your response.

And if you are a couple who habitually engages in verbal sparring - it's possible that you and he would benefit from making a deal to be able to say "lets go easy on each other in this talk, I'm having a bad day".

I think a better framing for your problem would be, "how do we stop stressing each other?". It's a two-way street. But in order to address it, one of you will need to open the door for the other to talk about it - and that's where you could (maybe) put some energy, making the space for you both to be able to listen to each other's needs.

I took a NAMI Homefront course to help deal with stuff, it’s something you may want to look into if you wish to stay in this.

That's really great to know about, I wasn't aware they did that specific kind of support work. NAMI is a fantastic resource, great recommendation.

 

[Sephira]

Joey, I think you’re right. I probably was lashing out a little. He frequently makes comments like that, and it gets on my nerves. And I was having a bad day, and today I just didn’t feel like saying that I was just talking to myself. Honestly, this whole scenario never occurred to me as leading to all this drama, or I never would have said it. When he hung up, and I saw he was upset, I had to ask him what I did to push him to the state of rage he was in. I truly didn’t know and I was astounded that my offhand comment was what it was.
I always have to have ultra kind responses, think before I ask any question or respond to one to make sure it is gentle and kind. Some days I just want to be allowed to be a regular human- with normal emotions that include annoyance or anger.

And when I answer his call and he says hello, I have no clue what head space he’s in. Good day or bad? It’s a crap shoot.

 

[anon1234]

Some days I just want to be allowed to be a regular human- will normal emotions that include annoyance or anger.

Oh, I hear you. I really get how you feel here. I find it hard having to be OK all the time even when I am ill or struggling. Recently I’ve found it really challenging and I’ve been angry. It’s tough. Wishing you both all the best.

 

[Sephira]

I’d love to talk to him about his stressors, but any talk of relationships or feelings upset him. It’s like a currency system. Like every good day I earn a unit of trust, and I need to save up my units to get a chat about feelings or the relationship. Then it needs to be at the right time and place. And if I mess up, like today, I lose all my banked units and have to start from 1 again.

He will call tomorrow and expect me to behave like nothing ever happened yesterday. Bubbly, sweet and fun. He is extremely intelligent and if he senses that I am upset in any way, he will disappear until Monday. No calls or texts. This is what he said before he went to bed tonight.

I get angry too Anon- it’s so hard.

He genuinely perceives me as a major problem, and I just don’t want him to feel that way :(

 

[LovingH]

I'm no expert on therapists, but..if his therapist really IS telling him you're the problem, then his therapist SUCKS.

 

[Hojay]

I’d love to talk to him about his stressors, but any talk of relationships or feelings upset him. It’s like a currency system. Like every good day I earn a unit of trust, and I need to save up my units to get a chat about feelings or the relationship. Then it needs to be at the right time and place. And if I mess up, like today, I lose all my banked units and have to start from 1 again.

This...could have come right out of my own mouth while I was still with my sufferer ex. It’s a form of emotional blackmail and it’s not ok. To top it off, there’s intermittent reinforcement: sometimes the talk is great and productive, sometimes it ends in threats of breaking up. And all that is excused because PTSD, and the hope that once he’s calmed down he’ll see straight (which he sometimes does,) and maybe he just had a bad day, and this isn’t the “real him,” and “I should be more careful,” and on and on it goes. All those excuses are bullshit because, really, he’s (subconsciously) manipulated you into submission and that’s where he’s most comfortable having you. That won’t change unless he wants it to. If you participate and allow it, there’ll be no need to change it.

Sad to say, this is one of the things that broke us up. I stopped standing for it, demanded that he acknowledge my perspective as equal to his own, didn’t budge from my perspective and feelings, and he broke up. Standing up for myself exposed that whole dynamic for what it was: manipulation to keep me under control. No bueno.

 

[joeylittle]

I’d love to talk to him about his stressors, but any talk of relationships or feelings upset him. It’s like a currency system. Like every good day I earn a unit of trust, and I need to save up my units to get a chat about feelings or the relationship. Then it needs to be at the right time and place. And if I mess up, like today, I lose all my banked units and have to start from 1 again.

Yeah...this seems like a situation that would benefit from a mediator. Like, a good couples counselor. Is that an option?

 

[LovingH]

I’d love to talk to him about his stressors, but any talk of relationships or feelings upset him

Check out my post..where after 2 months of no contact, I reached out to my ex in a romantic way..telling him everything I miss about him, and how important he is to me, only to get the door slammed in my face and him thinking I'm making him out to be some "villain" because I speculated he had been trying to sabotage our relationship out of fear.

They do NOT want to have to face their own issues.

And my ex is in therapy. So...

 

[Sephira]

I just got off the phone will him. He says his professionally trained therapist says I’m a major negative issue in his life and she thinks we should break up. That he is managing his PTSD well and it’s all me. Apparently, she thinks he’s fine. If that’s what she said, he is either straight lying to her or she’s a bad T. I know I’ve been tiptoeing around him, I know he can be extremely abusive. I dunno, I think Hojay is right, I’m being emotionally blackmailed and manipulated. And it’s not okay.

 

[anon1234]

I just got off the phone will him. He says his professionally trained therapist says I’m a major negative issue in his life and she thinks we should break up. That he is managing his PTSD well and it’s all me. Apparently, she thinks he’s fine. If that’s what she said, he is either straight lying to her or she’s a bad T. I know I’ve been tiptoeing around him, I know he can be extremely abusive. I dunno, I think Hojay is right, I’m being emotionally blackmailed and manipulated. And it’s not okay.

I will say one thing and I don’t want anyone to take this the wrong way, but each relationship here has commonalities (PTSD) but is also different. I know mine is very different even to people that are in my non-online and real world support group. Only you know him, what is unusual behavior and what is par for the course for the two of you.

When I’ve had problems in my relationship, I’ve taken a step back and tried to view it from a neutral standpoint. Yes, this is very challenging, but try to not use the breakups others are experiencing as a blue print. Only you know him, and perhaps what you say is true, but my advice is give it some breathing space. He is overseas, so it is easier. I have wanted to text things in the past that would probably have ended my relationship. Two days later I am glad I came down from my fear and anger. You will come to a decision that is right for the two of you.

 

[LovingH]

I just got off the phone will him. He says his professionally trained therapist says I’m a major negative issue in his life and she thinks we should break up. That he is managing his PTSD well and it’s all me. Apparently, she thinks he’s fine. If that’s what she said, he is either straight lying to her or she’s a bad T. I know I’ve been tiptoeing around him, I know he can be extremely abusive. I dunno, I think Hojay is right, I’m being emotionally blackmailed and manipulated. And it’s not okay.

No, it's not okay.

And this therapist...wow. No good therapist I know would EVER tell someone to break up with their significant other. That is bad therapy. If indeed he's not lying..who knows? Honestly, if you can't even trust whether he's telling the truth about what his therapist says...I would seriously consider ending it. But that's just me.

 

[Sephira]

I completely agree. I have some soul searching to do.