How do we keep people from stealing our joy?

[Changing4Best]

How do we keep people from stealing our joy?

My Pdoc said to me the other day that I should not let this person steal my joy. I did not think to ask, "HOW does one do that?"

So I thought I would ask here. How do you not let people steal your joy? Is that even possible! All my life I have been letting folks steal my joy, what little of it I have had. Friends have done it. Persons in positions of authority have done it. Strangers have done it. Neighbors have done it. So it has to be something to do with me, I guess, since so many different kinds of people have succeeded in getting me to let them steal my joy. Or is this a PTSD thing and a lot of us have it??

Does this happen to you? How do you deal with it??

(If I have placed this in the wrong Forum, please feel free to move it to a better one).

 

[Ronin]

I dont really think others can steal my joy.

Besides, I do not have any to be stolen these days.
But otherwise, I would work at not minding what others think or do, and if it is a good day, or something that brings me joy, persist at it, and not share where I know the other peoples reaction is likely to bring me down. Choosing who I relate it to, how much of it, and if it is something I can trust them on joining in or at least appreciating I am having it, or not.

 

[Virtues]

I have trouble experiencing joy. Anger no problem, but joy not so much. I've recently took a turn in my recovery and I'm hoping (suspecting) this will change things for me. It was hard to experience anything else with all the shame and guilt I was harboring, but today I had an AH-HA moment. I have set that shame and guilt aside and forgiven myself. We'll see if that makes more room for other emotions or just more room for anxiety; only time will tell. But to answer your question I don't think "how" is the right question. If you want it you will figure out the how. The question is why are you okay with people stealing your joy. If you figure out the "why" you can make a decision on whether or not you want to change it.

 

[Changing4Best]

Why is probably because I grew up in a home where anger was the regular emotion of the day, every day. Hearing it, eating dinner while listening to it, being the subject of it often (my parents argued often about how to raise me, as I was the "problem" child). I was learning disabled and developmentally delayed and so on. They were angry at one another. They were disappointed in me, my grades, my ways, etc. Then too, my teachers were also. And the kids in school, they bullied me all the way through 6th grade, until I lost it on one kid one day and beat the living daylights out of him. Then they all ignored me, but no one "liked" me. They tolerated me at best. So that was my childhood in the nutshell, except that I was also molested until I was 6 years old or so. So, you see, any joy I had, which was not much, was killed by all this. Daily I was put down.

These days it is not everyone who treats me badly. Thankfully. However, there are some folks who make a point of saying things that will upset me, they know. They knew exactly how to "get at me." I try to ignore it. I don't succeed very well. This whole history that I have just told you about is why, I guess. A lifetime of this is hard to let go of in a few days!

 

[Ronin]

That mental space of being upset by the pettiness, and having energy to do something about it, is heckuva better than not giving a damn, though. Or being kept from acting even with damns well present.

Anger is useful. And if it is just a few problem makers, and in things that are upsetting, instead of life threatening, you can walk away and find someone else.

 

[Changing4Best]

I have used anger at times. It only works to some degree. Walking away is not an option, unfortunately.

PS. There have been many life threatening things in my life too. I am going through Trauma Therapy right now for those. This, though, is a separate matter, which I am sure is fueled by the traumas too.

 

[Mach123]

This is a boundary issue for me. When my boundaries get violated my brain (conscious) disconnects from my mouth, and I say exactly the wrong things. Now everything is wrong and I'm all at a disadvantage and my joy is gone. They didn't steal it exactly, I just couldn't stop myself from giving it away.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I don't feel that joy is mine to own, therefore, no one else can ever actually steal it. Joy, to me, is simply a wonderful gift in the moment, and another moment just passed. If someone makes me happy, I don't thank them for stealing my sadness. It's just a shuffling of emotions, it seems, with some being much more unpleasant than others.

I have to try to remember while it all ebbs and flows that it's really none of my business what others think of me. It may hurt my feelings, or may swell my ego if it's good stuff, but either way, they're MY feelings to control/process/express healthily, not theirs. If I let them choose/dictate my emotions, they're automatically controlling me. I don't have enough energy to keep up with all that shit. It's exhausting.

I do well to keep up with my own opinions of myself. lol My energy must be spent towards my joy(s) rather than so easily handing it over to others. I have to consciously, and sometimes constantly, redirect those thoughts as they arrive, especially when someone triggers feelings from some deep old wounds.

 

[Changing4Best]

This is a boundary issue for me. When my boundaries get violated my brain (conscious) disconnects fro...

Yes, that sounds familiar, SIGH.... :eek:

 

[EveHarrington]

My joy is locked up in my inner child. My core self protects her with all she’s got. Once I let a rogue part let outsiders have access to my inner child and it was devastating. Ne’er again.

 

[Changing4Best]

I don't feel that joy is mine to own, therefore, no one else can ever actually steal it. Joy...

Well, yes, in principle that seems to be just the "thing" but for me anyway, in practice, it does not work. I found this website about Highly Sensitive People (HSP) and it seems to fit me rather well. In fact, TOO WELL!
24 Signs of a Highly Sensitive Person
There were some other sites about this too.
Sensory processing sensitivity - Wikipedia
... and so on. A T. of mine once suggested that this is like me too.
Where most people can do as you do, I guess it is just not in me to do so, especially since I am bound to run into a similar situation in the next place I go to.

One thing I do, do and have done all my life is to spend a lot of time alone doing my creative things. That is about the only thing that will temporarily take me away from all this and free my emotions. That and listening to music.

My joy is locked up in my inner child. My core self protects her with all she’s got. Once I let...

Sorry this happened to you. I don't know if I have ever done that, so probably I have not. At times I think I may have come close though! I feel for you.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think being very sensitive is very difficult, and I've often wished I wasn't. I'm not a person who can hurt others easily or shake off other's negative behaviours or emotions easily, nor not notice attempts at intimidation, deceit or running-down. But I sort of begrudge the result of the turning away of the focus from what is good and who or what there is to be grateful for. As I too have survived when I shouldn't, don't know how long others or I will be 'here', and I struggle with SI. Though I don't think SI precludes joy, oddly; ultimately fear does for me though. And I fear the most anger and abuse, the future and insecurity, and lies and deceit.

As others have said, I keep it to myself if I am certain it will be met poorly, or shake it off as best as possible, put it in context, knowing it's actually interfering with other's joy (my ability to be present and participate and provide and love and co-celebrate, in a whole-hearted way, in the moment and celebrate others' existence, even if not so much my own). Because ultimately, no matter what, it says more about them than you. I think to myself, if I die in this moment, is this who and what I want to be thinking of?

The one thing you can always do, is think and feel as you please, within your heart. No where are you obligated to share it, or defend it. It is uniquely yours, and cannot be taken away without your consent.

Hugs to you. :hug: