How do you deal with distrust and loneliness?

[HollowLavender]

I'm 31 and a transgender woman who has been abandoned by friends 3 times and I've accepted I'm not meant for real relationships but I have been feeling increasingly lonely lately and I don't know what to do. People can't be trusted and they always leave so there's no point in trying to form relationships even superficial ones end but when I'm playing games or learning about nerdy stuff I find myself saying "i bet this would be fun (funner) with friends" and I feel alone but then I start trying to work up the nerve to say something and I remember how much people hurt others and it's not worth the pain. It's hard to figure out what to do. I stopped talking to all my irl friends and my online friends. The only people who ever hang out with me just want me for a quickie and that's it. I know I'm only good with my legs in the air and I'm not meant to have friends. I don't understand why I am feeling this way when all the evidence and my past shows its not worth opening up. I wanted to get a dog when I was doing better but that'll never happen and I stay with a friend but she's trying to run a halfway house thingy to help other trans people get out of bad situations and it just reminds me how much I hate people every little thing is getting under my skin to the point talking to them is a aggravation. I know I'm not meant to have relationships and I need my own place because people just ruin everything and I am very organized and particular I feel like I'm being ripped apart by two desires despite knowing being alone is the best option.

 

[Alg]

You sound pretty depressed. Maybe try an antidepressant. I started taking celexa and it’s made a HUGE difference. But ask the doctor what’s right for you.

 

[whiteraven]

Welcome, @HollowLavender!

Being alone and distrustful is sooo hard, and it's not talked about enough. I am also alone and don't trust a soul at this point, but for reasons different from you. The ONLY thing that gets me through the day are my cats.

I wanted to get a dog when I was doing better but that'll never happen

How come? It took me a very long time before I was able to live in a place that allowed animals, but it finally happened, and I haven't been without since! Until then, I spent a LOT of time planning. It got me through.

I know I'm not meant to have relationships and I need my own place because people just ruin everything and I am very organized and particular I feel like I'm being ripped apart by two desires despite knowing being alone is the best option.

I'm so sorry. I decided a long time ago that I was not meant to be in a romantic relationship, and that I just can't do friends (every one of mine died). That said, I did end up in a couple of relationships that lasted from 2-6 years. They were fine, but I came to realize it would never happen again. i was ok with it, BUT it is very lonely. The cats REALLY help with that.

I remember how much people hurt others and it's not worth the pain. It's hard to figure out what to do. I stopped talking to all my irl friends and my online friends.

So, it helps to understand that you have purposefully stopped talking to people, and it sounds like it's not just people who have been hurtful. I get it--I've done that, too. People suck, basically--and it's very hard to find the ones that don't. They *do* exist, but you have to be willing to give it a shot. And it you're not (I've mostly given up, but I find that occasionally someone I click with drops into my life), then it helps to work with that and figure out how to manage it. Do you have a therapist or someone you can talk to?

People can't be trusted and they always leave

This is true. One of the things I've come to accept over the last few years is that EVERYTHING--literally everything--is temporary. Including relationships. Someone told me that people are in your life for a reason and only until you don't need them anymore. That's a hard idea to hold onto, but it's been helping.

it just reminds me how much I hate people every little thing is getting under my skin to the point talking to them is a aggravation

Oh, I so get this! Do you have PTSD? I find that absolutely everything--but people the most--really causes me overwhelm, and I have to do things to relax and take care of me during those times. It's hard.