How Do You Find The Words For Difficult Topics?

[Tinyflame]

Just wondering how one finds the words or courage to say difficult things, especially if you know they won't be well-received or maybe not even understood, but are the truth? And 'words' (only) have to be found to express it.

Thank you in advance.

 

[shimmerz]

@Junebug, is this in response to what other people say to you or are the words you are speaking about in a different context? I know if my words are in defense of me (being verbally attacked) I have a very difficult time not freezing up. However, if in defense of others I don't have a problem with words. I try to be fair, tactful, and to the point, usually asking someone to stand back for a bit so I can process. Then, after having thought about it I go back to step 1 (fair etc etc). If that doesn't work and I can't articulate or get my thoughts out properly in strings, I find that writing helps. I will start with a word and go from there. Not sure if this helps you are not, but that is normally my process.

 

[Leah123]

Sometimes writing it out first helps. Other times, running it by a trusted, objective, neutral third-party helps. I also often think about my therapist's model of assertive communication:

1. Tell the person how you feel
2. Empathize with your audience
3. Ask for what you want, without any expectation of getting it

So, that might look like:

1. I am feeling really sad because you are out drinking a six pack almost every night and I miss your company and worry you will get sick.
2. I know you are feeling really stressed out right now and might be mad at me for criticizing you.
3. I hope you will not drink that much more than once a week and I'd love to think of some other things we can do to help you relax and help us both have fun together.

Then, it's a matter of letting go. You've been honest, emotionally and factually, you've asked for what you wanted, and then you need to take a step back from the situation, take a deep breath if they reply in an unhelpful fashion, and give it some time, then decide what you want to do about the situation.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @shimmerz , same here, if I am verbally attacked I freeze (perhaps because I agree?), defending other's is easy because I know what I am thinking/ feeling/ I 'understand'. Maybe thinking of a word would help, a 'word' or 'words' that sum it up. Professionally I can express myself, but personally I can't make enough sense of everything to know where to begin. Sometimes I feel like English is my second Language. :(

Thank you @Leah123 , that wasn't what I was referring to, as it is because it is regards my behaviour, not another's, but it still helps. :tup: Likely I would not be as assertive routunely but sometimes I am.

 

[Leah123]

Ah, yes, it might help if you could be more specific then, give an example of a situation you're struggling with since it was hard to tell what you meant initially.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry @Leah123 , I know it's not clear. It's hard to 'find' the words and then to get them to 'come out', I mean. I know, ridiculous. :( It's like non-elective mutism.

 

[Leah123]

No worries, I just meant, can you tell me about the last time this happened to you?

Also, if by "difficult things" you happen to be talking about your trauma, remember, not being able to verbalize it is actually so common it's one of the criteria for being diagnosed with PTSD, so, that's normal with the disorder.

 

[shimmerz]

I get mutism as well. Hate it. If you knew me - I swear you would never believe it :eek:. After it is over and people are able to engage with me I ask them if they enjoyed the silence for once. :-) Just to take the edge off.

For me when someone attacks me I am silent not because I agree or disagree but because I am freezing out of fear. I used to walk away and when my brain came back online I would think of all the things I should have said. I am learning now to trust that I am a fair person but get in the most trouble when defending others. If only I could defend myself the same way. :confused:

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @Leah123 , I guess it happens whenever I have to speak of things I'd rather not, and truth be known yes I guess they are intertwined with trauma. I did not know it's 'normal'-(ish). :hug:

Oh @shimmerz , that's funny, hope I can share your 'line' (to enjoy the silence)- when I can actually speak! :wideeyed: :rolleyes: :hug:

I don't know how I can do it, and I remain at a loss for words. :( I mean, I know how to take responsibility, and how to apologize, or to call things what they are, but.. Idk, it's just too much, or too hard to face things, maybe, or admit them. Or perhaps it's knowing in stating it in 'words' not knowing what choices it will leave me with. I think serious ones if I do. One part of me wonders if it's my perspective. One part of me just feels like a moron!

I really don't think I'm capable.

 

[joeylittle]

How do you do when you write things down? Does that go better?

I often will preface something with "I'm not confident with my words here, but I'm trying to say"; that's for just basic real-life situations where I get stuck or feel like it's dangerous to talk.

For therapy, I really rely on writing it out if I can't say it. I don't always give him the things I write right away, sometimes that takes time also.

 

[Tanishq]

Junebug, I will say take your time to think on your questions. Sometimes I do have difficulty asking questions, I prefer to take time so it can be easy to understand.

I am glad that you created this thread. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @joeylittle , somewhat better on e-mail but I am not one for journalling.

Yes @Tanishq , thoughtfulness is important if it's serious. Though I understand it's more likely to feel more serious to the person trying to express it, rightfully or wrongfully (it's difficult for a reason!). I no longer have the capacity to accomplish such things on cue however. I suppose that's part of why therapy has always impressed me as having an inherently limiting or almost 'backwards'/ limiting structure; that is, to be able to do so on cue becomes the weather report delivery or perhaps just agreeing (even if one is not convinced) simply to get it over with. Even if it takes the same amount of time, the requirement to 'accomplish' it is impossible for me any more.

But it's ok, I don't see the need to talk about it now. It wasn't for that reason, but a larger one, but there's no point in talking about something I lack the ability to change anyway. I used to never understand how people could reconcile not doing that, kind of picking-and-choosing what they can do & what they can't, but now I understand I guess.

I think I've learned something about that. Often (myself included) you hear on the forums here about people feeling they don't belong and such, I actually think there is a (likely unbreechable) chasm of lack of understanding. Perhaps there are people too without ptsd that feel that, how am I to know? I have never lived a 'different' life so I can't say.

But I think I know now what a defining moment means. I used to think it must refer to big life events, for example the birth of a child. Then I thought it was moments of understanding- I think that's partially correct. What I think now, is that it is the understanding that meshes also with understanding of one's own self: their (my) history, 'stuff', limitations, feelings, and whatever is true to each of ourselves, our realities. No matter what other's think, or even feel, etc, about our decisions or choices (because of our realities), that comes from their lives & their understanding, not our (my) life nor my feelings nor my realities. Even if they don't or can't understand, or are against my decisions, or condemn me (for my choices). Understanding it within that light is different. I have always tried to honour others' choices or needs, or accommodate them, to the exclusion of acknowledging my limitations or nature or realities. But then, I end up expecting myself to be 'normal' & beating myself up for what I can't do or can't understand or can't reconcile within myself or simply can't accomplish. Always letting someone down, or letting myself down instead, in a way.

But really, it doesn't matter what choices I make, that (as it is with every person) is simply each person's own business, it needn't be shared or attempted to if it can't be expressed or understood or reconciled or 'fixed' or changed. Different people, different histories, different lives, different choices. Maybe not relatable at all.

Perhaps in future generations there will be more knowledge, or more understanding, or somewhat different perspectives, who knows.