How Do You Get Over the Self-Doubt?

[hithere]

I have decided to leave my career after many many years of supporting my family with my business. I have a fiduciary duty to my clients and I can't trust myself and my decisions anymore. I used to think I was really good at it, my spouse who is in the same industry but different service always encouraged me and told me I was one of the best. I had the best mentors, I had the best in the business networks and friends. I had different way of thinking about the business that brought added value to my clients. I had a lot of repeat business and referral business and did not need to market myself much as I had so much coming in by way of happy past clients.

I had a lot of self-doubt through the whole journey of my business, however. I realized it was anxiety about my fiduciary duty and type of perfectionism. So three years ago, I sought treatment and ptsd was the diagnosis and we began in therapy to hammer away at the source. The abuse, the weird complicated stuff that happened in my tweens, teens, and young adult life compounded all the childhood abuse and family violence and csa. It caused me to doubt my judgements. Afterall, I walked willingly into trap after trap after trap, and then willingly remained in the most untasteful relationships.

The recent therapy I went through turned into a living hell and the therapist blamed me for everything that happened in the therapy. Perhaps he is right and perhaps he is not. Either way the end result of the therapy is that I absolutely cannot tell if my instincts in relationships or business matters are right or not. And, I question every decision I make. I'm struggling now because I have one last client and I am immobilized about some decisions for PR and marketing right now. I am afraid I won't make the "BEST" decision that is BEST for their situation. Trying to sort out my anxiety takes me back to my last therapy relationship, and then following that chain of emotions takes me back to all poor decisions I made as a tween and teen and young adult that led to some unpleasantness and need for amnesia.

Sorry this is so long again-- I just wonder anyone's thought about this topic. Is there even a way to ever overcome the loss of trusting oneself and one's judgements again. I decided to leave the business, and just live the rest of my days on limited income and not really interact with others too much. I plan to just work labor jobs on local farms which are all minimum wage, until I'm too old to do it anymore. I didn't know what forum to put this in, but I imagine others don't trust yourself after the traumatic event, and that it also then causing work related issues, too, especially since mosst employment involves interacting with others.

 

[grit]

Hi @hithere,

I am going through change of career too and have had similar self-doubts and extreme inadequacy feelings and even inferiority and just full of self-doubt. I honestly do not know how you can overcome but what worked for me was to ride it out. I consider the self doubt as an interesting experience…ooh I forgot the fear and the ambivalence and the whole social anxiety I developed since I have been in therapy. First I trusted my husband to guide me and remind me I did not have this feeling before so I could remember there was a time I was capable of. This worked for me just to give me what I was overcompensating of exactly these feelings that I was oppressing. So now that the feelings were overflowing, I could actually use my over compensation experience for real. In real terms, I did not feel I could like people enough to work with people. I hate people. I am a loner etc. but yet all my life, I have been a people person, even a party girl, I have connection with people and great rapport. So in essence, every experience of loving people was overcompensation of hating people but yet, there were some real loves and real connections and real experiences among all of this. So if I was hiding my hatred with love, and I experienced love and now I could see my hatred in plain sight, then I can see the love too. AND allow both.

That is what worked for me. To reframe it for you, if I could attempt that. All the strength and business acuity you had was real but the foundation was full of what you are feeling now. So in essence, you are the great business woman who is now experiencing fear and self-doubt – something you did not focus to learn then but just like you became expert in your chosen experience, you will also become good at coping with this in due time.

I hope this makes sense. I am cheering for you.

 

[Keming]

decision making can come back over time. with practice one can differentiate between the anxiety and one's own cognition.

self-punitive measures doesn't seem a productive course. destructive thinking is the disorder. seek constructive.

 

[scout86]

I think you might be over reacting a tiny bit. There's often a difference between the way we handle our professional decisions and our personal ones, for a start. It's sounds like you've got a track record of making good choices, professionally. Is there someone in your profession, who you respect, you could sit down with, discuss your concerns, and get some good feedback you'd be willing to trust? I know i don't always see my capabilities that clearly. I run stuff like this past my T all the time and am glad I can.

I think, as far as your former therapist goes, it's REALLY hard to know how good those people are, if you've just seen their web site and walked through their door. We seek them out, usually, with a certain amount of desperation. That's not a good time to make high quality decisions. And, when you say he blamed everything on you, some people would that, and that would be inappropriate. But I know, I often hear things as "blame" when they aren't, if I'm already busy blaming myself.

Is there another area you can work in that uses your skills but doesn't require you making big decisions for other people? I'm not sure what you do, of course, but could you do research in a way that other people use it to make decisions? Becoming a farm worker seems like a pretty drastic change. And even farm workers have to deal with people. (Been there, done that.)

Honestly, I'd bet you're nowhere near as bad at a all this as you think you are. And I say that as someone who has had "I'm never trusting anyone ever again" as something of a mantra for a long time. You miss a lot when you do that. There ARE benefits that come with the risks.

 

[pam4him]

First, you are not responsible for relationship decisions made in your tweens and teens. You needed adults who would guide you through those difficult years, but it sounds like that didn't happen for you. Letting go of that guilt is perhaps something you can work on. Consider writing a letter to your younger self then in a private place, read it out loud. Tell her your sorry there wasn't good role models, trusting adults, or whatever was missing to guide her. It can be very therapeutic. Second, no one can really always know the BEST for others. People are complicated, different ideals, beliefs, tastes in what looks good to them, etc. Take a deep breath, think about what you do know about the client-favorite color, fonts, etc. and apply it to what you are working on. Allow them to make changes. Being flexible and will to adjust is generally more important to the client than pushing what we think is BEST on them. If they see you willing to adjust, they will likely stay your client. Prayers for peace and wisdom. You got this!

 

[hithere]

you are not responsible for relationship decisions made in your tweens and teens. You needed adults who would guide you through those difficult years, but it sounds like that didn't happen for you.

Wow. Thanks for this @pam4him . This is hitting "pay dirt" for me right now. This is hitting at that really hard. Thanks for this. It is something I have to go work on now. So hard to believe how much pain is still wrapped in all that complicated stuff!

@scout86 Thank you. It's true I sought the therapist out in a season of desperation. I've been very upset that I put so much hope in that therapy. But perhpas I couldn't have helped doing so, especially since it was very helpful in the beginning. The therapist really did blame me several times. I didn't misinterpret it. I have many conversations recorded and it is very painful to listen to them as he tells me all the reasons I'm to blame. It's hard to know if he is right or not. I feel like he is correct that it was all my fault. Yet, two months ago while in a very depressed state I stumbled upon a private psychiatrist. He did not advise meds, but instead listened to me. I've gone back to him a few more times. He has repeatedly told me that I am not to blame for the therapy failure and explained the reasons why. One reason he explained is that pure cbt therapist don't understand when they get their own "issues" mixed up in the heat of a trauma story, and they get hijacked by the emotions in the room, and then react in their own trauma response back to the client. He said one of his issues with pure cbt therapists is that they haven't done the work on themselves and they ignore the 'whole" person and only focus on thoughts. Part of me believes that and can even see it. Your comment to this thread is in a similar vein to what the psychiatrist has been trying to tell me.

Concerning the current client I have, my confused and fearful mind has calmed down, though I'm still cautious.. My brain just thinks it's life or death if I make mistake. Your comment brought back front and center why mistakes feel like life or death situations for me.

Thank you @Keming -- I'm choosing to focus on constructive thinking, helpful thinking. It's keeping my brain more present and current and not slipping into trauma brain. Your short response was perfect.

@grit your explanation is really profound. I had to read it a few times to really get it. I can see that the workaholism was also the same mode of over compensation for all those feelings I was avoiding. Yeah, so now I'm feeling them! Your words were really helpful.

Even though the failed therapy broke me down, I put to practice some of the cbt skills I learned at the beginning of the therapy after reading everyone's comments. Choosing to focus on constructive thinking. Taking all the catastrophic thinking and challenging it. Taking one step at a time. So far so good. The more stressful part of the job will come in about a month. I turned away several really good ones, though. I feel sort of like a loser letting someone else take those jobs. But I am determined to get out of this business. I'm looking for barn work, and it will be good for me. I've had barn jobs before. Being outside and doing physical labor by myself sounds like a vacation to me. I would just like to start enjoying my life once more.

 

[grit]

The barn work comment caught my eye. As I also started to recover, I had some surge of energy that at one time made me think of physical work. I felt more alive and needed to do real labour work with all the energy I was feeling...just wondering if this is a common thing after releasing some tension or energy from trauma related thoughts (the abyss of any energy).
anyhow, I am happy for you that you are slowly but surely accepting yourself.

 

[pam4him]

I'm glad you thought what I offered was helpful. Be patient with yourself as you work through things. Continued prayers!