Relationship How Do You Guys Manage?

[fairywings]

Nicolette is right it's good to let him know it's ok to isolate and you are ok with it.
My guy's never understood my need for space.

If I would have known about this forum before I'd be much farther along than I am.

 

[Thynker]

I'm finding myself struggling a lot right now as a Carer.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 15 months, been living together for close to a year. This is only the second time her PTSD has been triggered. The first time was roughly a year ago, so these "episodes" are very much few and far between.

I am honestly finding it more difficult this time around because we do live together, and though she hasn't isolated herself from me physically...I almost feel like I'm currently living with a stranger. I look at her right now and I don't see the woman I feel in love with, just a shell.

Right now it seems to be a bit of a roller coaster. Everything hit the fan 3 nights ago. Things seemed a little better the day after. They got worse later that evening and she completely isolated herself (got a hotel room to stay in). Yesterday she called and asked me to come over to the room; which I did and I just held her while we slept a bit longer. We both were able to go in and speak with her therapist...which I was able to talk to him one-on-one for the last 15 minutes and that helped me.

I understand none of this is either of our faults. I understand I can't take anything she says, or does, directed at me personally. I get that I need to make sure I am taking care of myself but I'm not sure how to about that completely.

I miss her. I feel alone even when she's here at the house.

This morning, before she left for church with a friend, we were in the house for 2 hours (awake). We hardly spoke except when she asked me to get something for her, or help her with something. She even asked me to help clasp a bracelet for her and then asked me kindly to try and hurry because me doing that was making her anxious. Though I don't have the most "manly" hands, I still could not get it and when I simply said "I'm trying", she abruptly told me to shut up and walked off to continue getting ready.

I helped her bring some things to her car. We told each other "I love you"; quick peck on the lips and she got in the car. I returned to the house and broke out into tears (something I had been holding in all morning).

I'm tempted to ask my sister if I can stay at her house tonight but I know that's going to raise questions and I'm just not prepared to answer them. But it killing me to be around when she's like this. I can literally feel this incredible pressure and weight on my chest...and I don't know what to do. Would it be wrong to stay at my sister's for the night? Would my girlfriend feel abandoned or can I simply tell her that seeing her like this is emotionally too much and I can't be around it right now?

 

[OKRADLAK]

It is so very hard. I find it harder than it is worth and thus I stay alone and do not wish to enter into relationships.

I have been in them and some where good. You sound like you really do care and I hope that you can work it out. Many do! :)

 

[Sunshine71]

Dear Onlyhim

Some great words here and I hope that they have helped....

I wanted to add that for me coping I try to focus on something for me to help me deal with the nightmare of hubbies PTSD/ mood swings etc. I run my own business and enjoy sitting there focusing on some work - It helps.

I also like coming here as the people here are amazing - we are not alone and (of course sadly) we all share so much with PTSD as a suffer or a carer.

If I can I may try to get out of the house and have even 'made' hubby come with me - this depends on what is happening at the time. Sometimes it has been a walk in nature or getting a bite to eat/ coffee so we are in a different envirnment - again this may be more when hubby has a mood swing and not just had a flashback etc....

Sending you much love

Sunshine

 

[Sunshine71]

I wanted to also say something to Thynker.... Maybe it was just our circumstances however I dont think that PTSD gets better over the years unless you gain support....

My hubby had a truama over 20 years ago when we had just met and he was just 18

For 10 years it wasnt part of our lives at all - then when hubby had some stress he started to have bad dreams, and some (what we now know as) PTSD symptoms.

Then after a hit and run car accident 2 1/2 years ago the PTSD has come out full blown.

20 years ago the support and information wasnt availble as it is now.

I know that they still dont have all of the answers and I know I dont know what you are doing of course I just wanted to share that in my opinion things can just get worse unless the right support is gained.

Hope this may help in some way....

Much love Sunshine

xxx

 

[PushedAway]

PTSD, is ALOT more different on paper than in real life, and it takes ALOT of patience to manage it, and live with it if you are a sufferer, or the lover of a sufferer...sometimes, I think it's harder on the spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends, of sufferers because they see their lover going through something they can't at times wrap their heads around, or protect them from and yet, when you guys love us, and it's so obviously true, but we feel HORRIBLE for not being able to reciprocate even though we want to love you so deeply that you NEVER question our feelings for you, but we resolve since we are sick, and we cannot love you like we're capable of doing, we should stay away, unless we risk causing further harm to our loved ones; that's what I do when I withdraw/retreat, I just don't wanna hurt the people I love.

I'm so glad you said this! I heard you say almost verbatim what my boyfriend said to me two days ago. He pushes me away and then tells me that he cannot face me loving him when he knows he can't love me back the way I deserve.

I don't feel so alone now...thank you!

 

[All The Blessings]

Thynker said:
Would it be wrong to stay at my sister's for the night? Would my girlfriend feel abandoned or can I simply tell her that seeing her like this is emotionally too much and I can't be around it right now?

I would suggest you discuss this with her more in depth. Assuming things is a terrible way to approach such an unknown situation. You definitely need time to figure things out for your own and your own 'time-out' from the situation, but she may need you the most right now. You might not know what she needs unless you ask her.... that's my suggestion.

When my husband pushes me away he is testing me to see if I will still be there. He has Complex PTSD with sever abandonment issues from his mother. I am his wife, but when something happens that triggers an emotional flashback, I turn into his abandoning mother. He wants to see if I am going to forget about him and let him struggle on his own, or be there for him. This very morning my husband had an emotional flashback. The heated part of our frustrated misunderstanding peaked when I have five minutes left before was supposed to go to work. I had accidentally brought up a subject and it was a very sensitive and painful subject. I thought that maybe a 'time-out' from the argument would help so I left to go to my job and tell them I wasn't going to be able to work today because I needed to be with my husband and explain. In my frustration I forgot to tell him that I was only taking a time-out and although I was only gone for maybe twenty minutes, my husband lost trust in me that I cared and thought I had left him to deal with all of the pain alone. For him, me leaving is the worst thing I could do.

I hope you are able to understand your girlfriend and I'm sorry it's so frustrating.

The strongest steel is forged in the hottest fires:] That's what I always say.

 

[Srain]

Most humans crave and want attention and human comfort - it is hard when you need that and your partner is isolating. As Amethist said the worst thing you can do when they are isolating is push. Sometimes this is okay and other times it feels like you are ripped off, have the short straw, and that they seem to come before you and its difficult to hold back the resentment during this time.

I am an isolater and being pushed when I REALLY need my space can push me over the edge, even from the most well-meaning people. Honestly, I could say things I totally regret and can never take back and because of this I have had to learn my limits and ways to take my space in more acceptable ways - I'm not always successful :(, when that happens I feel like that guilt could bleed my heart out, it's unbearable weight and running feels like my option. This, after over a decade with my Hunny, so the black and white, stay or run still feels like an option when I'm in overwhelm.

I feel your pain and fear, I'm sorry that you are experiencing this. The Supporters here are wise and helpful. I often read their posts so that I remember to check in with my Hunny on these issues and find ways to stay in touch with impact issues. Not always easy when I'm being flooded with my own issues.

Thank you for posting. Please take good care of yourself, you are very worth it.
Peace and healing,
Rain

 

[Tinyflame]

It's awful how much forgiveness it requires :(, but it's not intentional.

 

[Srain]

I feel that way so so often Junebug but somehow when thinking of you and those I love I have an over-abundance of forgiveness...funny how that works.

 

[sarahlouise]

PTSD has a way of making even the most sociable of extroverts, become reclusive, and introverted; whatever it was he went through, it was a life changer, because the nature of PTSD changes you at a very deep level; My advice is to care for him from a distance until HE is ready to come close, and more importantly for you, so you don't burn yourself out trying to be his everything, you still have to get your needs met, and live your life for you too. Don't loose yourself in him, because what good would you be for him, or yourself if you couldn't take care of yourself because you burnt yourself out trying to care for him? So lead by example, and care for yourself so that way he'll eventually begin to come around, and confide some things in you, and you can suggest him seeing a therapist, and perhaps medication.

Thank you for saying this. Being the spouse of a sufferer, I have often felt clueless as to what to do to help. Even though I've read books and majored in counseling - I still feel at a loss sometimes.