General How Do You Keep In Touch With Friends?

[theconfusedone]

I ask this in all seriousness as my husband has made it impossible for me to stay in contact with friends. I can't go out in the evening as he acuses me of seeing other men, so can't meet girlfriends for a drink or even coffee. It's got to the point where I no longer get invites as I've had to make so many lame excuses over the years.

I know lack of trust is one of the consequences of CPTSD, I just find not having any social life other than online is very difficult for me and I wondered how others in this situation coped.

 

[anthony]

Me personally, I would go do it anyway... if he can't trust you then seriously... you can't use that as a reason to please him. That is emotional blackmail pretty much.

You have to be able to have downtime away from your partner. What your partner feels is their own, it is not your own, nor should you be secluding yourself to meet such a negative aspect.

If he doesn't trust you, then leave him in the car while you visit them.

 

[theconfusedone]

Thank you for this. I've had 15 years of this and began to think I was being unreasonable in asking for down time. I work (hubby hasn't worked since we got together) and I think he sees my work life as 'me' time and needs me at home for the rest as I'm away from him most days. I think, in part, he has a need for control, as his experiences took away any control he had at such a young age that he seems not to know understand that I can have friends without betraying him.

 

[anthony]

His need for control may be valid, however; that does not mean its validity warrants controlling you. Relationships must function as two individuals who have a part of their individuality crossing over into one another, thus the relationship. Both must function as two thirds individually in order for that relationship to be healthy. If it moves either way, ie. controlling (overlapping) or too much time alone (barely crossing into one another), then the relationship has issues / fails.

 

[anthony]

For good measure... as I love pictures, I drew you one showing healthy relationship versus not healthy.

Each ring is an individual... the cross-over is your relationship.

 

[HelloMo80]

I love the visual. And I love the "leave him in the car while you go" response. Lol.

I had this issue and realized that no matter what you do, they will not trust. Doing everything "right" won't help. Not doing anything won't help. You need to establish a healthy routine for yourself. Even if that means bringing him along to establish some credibility of the people you see/places you go during your "me" time...

That last suggestion is pretty extreme (I think) but I may work for you.

Good luck.