How Do You Make Amends When It Goes Badly?

[PearBlossom]

So, I'm early on in PTSD therapy (although been in therapy for over 20 years) and the bad episodes--the full blown anxiety or panic attacks that manifest in some really hateful and roller coaster behavior (heated arguments that end with throwing spouse out or starting divorce proceedings)... they're really bad.

I know my husband knows that I'm having a hard time and that a lot of this is related to my PTSD, but 1) I'm not sure he fully understands what's going on; and 2) even so--how do you make up for this? Like, how do you acknowledge the pain and upset you've put them through in a way that doesn't make it seem like it's okay just because it's from PTSD? Because it's not okay. It is what it is and can't be helped at the moment, but that doesn't make it okay for me to do this to him (no physical abuse, btw).

What's worse is that I know the day may come where when I'm more stable and have better control over my triggers, I might need to divorce him. It's entirely possible that I will never be able to completely control my triggers and his natural way of being sets off some of them. So now, after a few years of fully meaning it when I say it, but not actually doing it, I'm sure it will be a hard road if that day comes. I hope it doesn't, but I'm open to the reality that it might. In the meantime, how do you move forward from that with any semblance of dignity? And encouraging the other not to lose respect for what you're saying?

 

[Seasounds]

Like, how do you acknowledge the pain and upset you've put them through in a way that doesn't make it seem like it's okay just because it's from PTSD?

1. I believe that the biggest gift you can give yourself and him, is to diligently study how to communicate without blaming or threatening him. It takes a good year, before it is natural, in the heat of a moment. Google non-violent communication. An example, I feel angry vs you make me angry (i.e. you are generating your thoughts and feelings and he is generating his thoughts and feelings.). Having PTSD often involves having triggers; and the resulting anger or fear expressions, can be non-violent. It is a gift of healing, for both of you.

2. The above practice doesn't solve everything. Then, you and he, need to work out 'deciding what respectful treatment' towards each other is, and whether you both 'want and/or are able' to practice these new behaviors. We can't change others, but you can change yourself.

3. Also check out definition of domestic violence and visit this 'network' on this website. You will be graciously received and supported. You have been doing your best, and you have noticed you want help :)

4. PTSD, again, doesn't have to mean that you hurt others; it can mean that you have triggers and express feelings, in such a way, that it is kind to yourself and to others.

It's entirely possible that I will never be able to completely control my triggers and his natural way of being sets off some of them.

5. I think being able to respond to triggers, in a non-blaming manner, is as important as making adjustments to decrease triggers.

So now, after a few years of fully meaning it when I say it, but not actually doing it, I'm sure it will be a hard road if that day comes.

7. In all honesty, it seems like you are making plans to do so. Do you think ?

In the meantime, how do you move forward from that with any semblance of dignity? And encouraging the other not to lose respect for what you're saying?

8.Know that you are a good person, who wants to learn new ways of relating. Know that, if you communicate non-violently, to your partner, that he will most likely, begin to feel respected. At that point, he may be less defensive, and may, or may not be able to, or want to, develop the capacity to understand you.

I relate to you; I have felt challenged and extremely triggered while in relationships. Life is learning.

 

[PearBlossom]

Well, it has not been physically violent, but the arguments can get very, very ugly... And I believe that kind of emotional turmoil and anger is... I don't want to say "the same" but it's equally hard and hurtful.

I read "The Dance of Anger" and it's a lot of that kind of changing perspective to "I feel" vs. "you make me feel" and we do a lot of that. It doesn't change the fact that some of his actions trigger me. I can say that I feel this way or that, but it comes back to explaining that this action (harmless and/or natural though it may have been) is what caused me to feel that way. I'm not blaming him any more than someone else is triggered by a car backfiring would blame the driver... And I make this very clear to him. It's just usually after a horrible panic attack that has put us through a lot of upset and anguish.

I'm not planning to leave him, but I realize that we can't continue to live this way--so I have to lay out all of the options and face all of the realities. Yes, at this point--early on--it is very, very hard to imagine continuing to stay together.