How Do You Overcome The Impulses?

[Iam]

Awe...thanks so much Tessa. The prayers are really appreciated! I am feeling much better today. Have my oldest granddaughter here to bake pies and go for a horseback ride in the snow. Plus my session yesterday was very good. I feel like my T and I are back on good ground which is a relief!

Jen, I think a worry list is a great idea!

I don't think I worry a whole lot, but I do analyze. My T says I have too much time on my hands and am in my head too much. He doesn't want me going back to work yet because he thinks I have some harder times to get thru with the EMDR, but we discussed planning more projects to do so that I feel more productive. Think maybe I will implement your list exercise, it might help! Thanks for the idea!

 

[DeadAlice]

HI

They call it reactive depression - sometimes something touches the wound, which causes you pain which can lead to the original wish to die which turns into a suicidal thought

I have them a lot

Eg I got hit by a car and died twice - was in a bad bad mess and lots of bad things happened on top of it - when something reminds me of it, it touches the wound, which causes pain, which is linked to dying, which comes out as a feeling of death - here's the important bit, which I interpret as 'wanting to die' but it isn't it's a memory of the time you did or wished to so very badly

Please write this down when you get 'flooded' stick it on your mirror - read it often - then name the day, time, where you are standing, the date, what you are doing, what is around you - state when what happened happened, state the time lapse then cry if you need to and give yourself some love for what has happened to you, how horrid it was - the problem with these points is you are alone, no one can be with you or help you so in remembering you must be there for you, remember with you - it doesn't stop them but they turn into a death experience which you grieve.

At some point my guess is something so bad happened that you either wanted to die to get away from it, did die (as I did) or thought you were about to - not in a drama way but in a very very real way - important is, it's not a suicidal thought it's a remembrance of death xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Iam]

Hmmm.....interesting point Alice and one my T and I have discussed. For me wanting to die started at 10 years old and grew in intensity until I was 17, so is very deep rooted as opposed to specific traumatic events. It is still a valid point though. What you are describing is grounding yourself to the present and putting the past where it belongs......behind you. I find another helpful thing to do is, after you have grounded yourself, start recounting the positive things that are in your life currently.

I need to learn to do this immediately, as soon as I am triggered. If I don't that is when I spiral downward and once there it is so much harder to get back to the present.

Thanks for the good info Alice :)

 

[Sterre]

This topic is very insightfull and helpfull to me, thanks for starting it Iam!

Sometimes , like right now, i wished i lived nearby some of you, to give some comfort when i can, and to be able to support each other, trough our deepdarkblackend moments. I read a lot on this forum, and the recognision/validation I find is undescribable. It's a shame that we have to struggle with suicidal Ideation, feeling that we deserve to die, or that we would be better of dead.

In therapy ( there are some elements of schematherapy in it) me and my T discovered a "dead child" modus inside me. She's young, and she's almost dead.When I visualize this little girl, i see her sitting in a corner. She's not sitting, she's hanging in the corner of a room, she's completely drained, blank stare, pale, mute,and barely breathing. She is the one that couldnt process the abuse anymore.
She is the part of me, that pops up when I feel depressed,or when I have a feeling of wanting to die.
For me there's a lot of truth in the describing that Alice wrote. I believe it's a memory being triggerd that leads to a moment where you actually wanted to die, or almost died when the horrible stuff happend.

To me the thought of suicide is a part of life. I do not automaticly freak out when i feel an urge for wanting to die. I know I will not push it trough.The fact that my death wish is not always frighting to me, makes it appear less often, and makes the urge less powerfull. Most of the time I can accept that I feel this suicidal feelings as being a part of me. It's a signal of someting else, not of an actual deathwish.