Poll How Do You Redefine Yourself If You Have Become Disabled? (self Worth)

[Deleted member 18818]

How do you deal with not being able to work anymore? I feel worthless because I can't worth anymore. My doctor says I have to "redefine" my self, but I haven't had any good answers to this question. This has been just one more reason for me to be self loathing and is a stumbling block I struggle with every day.

 

[maddog]

I'm really sorry Lostinthere, I am struggling badly with this too and have fallen deep into the same pit of self hate and lack of self worth that you refer to. it's so easy to fall into this, but so so important to try hard not to.

Personally, and this is just my own attempt to make sense of my world, I try hard not to define myself by any single thing, and particularly not by any task or external role that I can be seen to fulfill. In my view, defining yourself in such a way is attaching worth (or a lack of it) to the tasks that you perform, instead of to the person you are and the person you are striving to be.

I don't know if that makes sense, but defining myself by my job was one of the most ultimately damaging things I did to try to manage my own lack of self acceptance, and losing my job therefore equated to a terrible loss of this self acceptance. The last thing I want to therefore do is to define myself by any new role which could also some day change, and which in no way reflects who I am or where I am at in life anyway.

I am the sum of all of the parts of me - the friend, the trauma therapy client trying to get better, the dog owner, the gym member... etc. In such a way, as these external states of being change and ebb and flow, I will hopefully stay on track with building a self image and concept which is about the person inside and not the person who "does" anything.

Yes, so, so much easier said than done.

Maddog

 

[Deleted member 18818]

Thanks Maddog

 

[KatB]

I feel exactly the same way. This has been daily struggle lately as I try to do new things that I've never done or been "good" at before. All this self-loathing feels horribly addictive?!

I know what you mean.

 

[Deleted member 18818]

My Wife says "You're a living, caring, compassionate person, that's who you are." I love her so much for saying this, but I still feel so incomplete, helpless, and worthless. I can't work, I could only handle going back to school for 3 semesters before I had a another melt down, and I'm emotionally unavailable for the ones I love most of the time. I'm affraid to go places, affraid to be around people, and there's generally a huge dark cloud over these days. I don't like to express anything to family because half of them have already ditched me and I don't want to be a social vampire to the other half.

After almost three decades of working and doing what I thought was the right thing, I've been put out to pasture and have money coming for doing absolutely nothing. I can't so no to it because the consequences would impact my family, but I hate accepting it. I wasn't raised to be a burden on society, and right now, that's kinda how I define myself. I try to make up for some of it by doing projects around the house, but quite often, I can't even do that right anymore. I feel like I have to hide from everybody... family, friends..... Right now the best I can do is trying to manage my symptoms to become a decent person. I just doesn't seem like enough. Frustrating :(

 

[Springer80]

Hello Mr Grouch (love your avatar).....:)

Erm I went part time in spring 2011 and went long term sick in April 2012...I don't know if I'm classed disabled yet or not but I'm starting to claim welfare for the first time in my 32 years and I never thought I'd get to this point.

I don't consider myself disabled even though I'm unable to work, I consider myself getting better, recalibrating after years of being obliged to drive with the breaks on. I don't believe it will be forever and I have accepted that my body needs to unravel in order to begin again, so I'm going to allow myself to feel comforted and respected by this process, even if the medical profession at large deny or are ignorant of whats happening to me.

I struggled with the defining things, victim, survivor, thriver are all in reference to the past. In this definition vacuum I am currently in I am finding out who I really am. And it's happening on it's own and the more I don't try to define it the more I find out what I knew already.....and previously had struggled so hard to achieve. Weird.

:hug:

 

[The Albatross]

I clicked all three... for "other" I thought about mentorships in particular having been one and had the benefit of several of them in my past. It can be a great redefining experience to use your own experiences to gently guide a lost, ill, or person with trauma/abuse/addictions to a point where they begin to take their life back. For compassion's sake. For no ulterior reason other than sharing your experience to help somebone else.

I've had physical and also substance abuse mentors... and the gift of their time with me was instrumental in my healing. Through them I was able to restore a sense of trust and kinship with humanity.

 

[Lionheart]

Having been disabled for the past 13 years, my self worth is now based on the fact that I am a good and descent person; loving, caring, generous etc.. I no longer base my worth on the things that I do, but rather the type of person that I am. This has helped me a great deal to fend off feelings of worthlessness, powerlessness etc. Also, knowing that I was a hard worker up until the time I could no longer work relieves me of any guilt feelings.

 

[The Albatross]

Good point Lion Heart, "Other" can mean redefining myself and choosing to live in a manner consistent to my personal values and integrity or strength of character.

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmm. I have to admit I am a bit surprised, that of 6 who've voted so far, I seem to be the only one who voted for "tasks around the home". It is a challenge surely at times for me, but when I am successful I find it very self affirming and gratifying.

 

[safenow]

I seem to be the only one who voted for "tasks around the home"

I probably should have checked that one as well. Now that you said that, I thought about how I injured my shoulder. LOL. For the first time since I got sick with this last physical thing, I was able to want to wash walls to clean my apartment. I removed all the medical equipment out of my living room. That gave me some self worth.

For me though, the main thing was being able to volunteer to do something to help others. Because that is part of who I am. A part of who I have always been.

When I was first unable to work any longer, I was disgusted that not only couldn't I work out of my home, I couldn't even work in my home. I couldn't use my hands to do so much as sign a check. I couldn't speak well enough to use the telephone even. I felt like a lump of crap. Not good for anything. Mentally, I was a wreck.

It took me several years to learn how to able to do even simple things again. Being able to sit up in bed was exciting to me. And being able to hold a pencil again and actually make marks on paper was more than exciting. Last year, when I was able to stand up by myself and take a few steps left me breathless with excitement.

When I can do nothing, my self-worth goes down the toilet. When I can do for others, it shoots sky high.

 

[Deleted member 18818]

I guess I should have mentioned tasks as well. I do work on projects around the house and do any of the repairs I'm able to. Sometimes it takes me 2 or 3 tries because I don't think as well as I used to, but there is some satisfaction in doing these things.