Relationship How Do You Stay When You Feel So Tired And Alone?

[anni]

It's wierd with the PTSD and stress of not knowing things. I even know what to do by way of tools, how to process, distract, ground and allow the moment but it GETS me every time. This sort of huge thing would be a biggie, I'd imagine.

Funny how reading posts here, one get distracted into other's lives, comparing them to your own, isn't it? You said that about adult conversation, and whew- heard that! My youngest is now at my all-time favorite age for children, though, so am lucky. He's in 6th grade- for some reason I adore, am besotted with this age group. I think they're old enough to genuinely connect with you but it's before they feel they have to try toooo hard to put on the whole teenage thing. My son had a birthday party the other day. I paid someone else to do-not up to it myself, but was in heaven, with all those 12 year olds around. OH my, I laughed so much, and enjoyed them!! Gosh, so lucky. The other 3 are grown and gone. I hate to sound old, but do feel time slipping by and will badly miss having children in the house. No, no empty nest syndrome, I do not live for my children but just plain like them an awful lot.

Nice to hear you''ve been able to be adamant for your husband. It's for you also, keeping your family yours, not theirs, these toxic, awful people. My husband does not have PTSD but has had a dreadful past with family and I've drawn some lines because he's simply worn and in pain from these vermin. Enough. You and he have even another reason, possibly, to draw your core closer. It's just a nice thought, and struck kind of a cord here, too-too long to get into but familiar enough.

All the best with your results, either way.

 

[hopelives]

Well Today has not been good. My husband has a thing about if the house is a mes or he isn't feed as he feels he needs than he has the right to be selfish and carry on. Well today I just cracked it at him. He is a selfish twat and I am quiet over it.

Well stupid me just let loose. Well next thing I know Im backed into a corner and he is pumpling me with his fists and kicking me. I just ran from the room when he walked away as he picked up a chair to throw it at me. You know the stupid thing this has been happening for years. But I have always seen it as being my fault. Like if I hadn't yelled than he wouldn't have done that. But I sat and thought about it all and he has been threatening me for years. I went to him before and said do you feel sorry for what you have done and he said it would never have happen it is all your fault it has always been your fault. I said ok well dont come near me until you have an appology and his words were well I wont go near you ever.

I am holding firm. I am still trying ot get my head around the fact that he is abusive. I have never told anyone. Not one therapist nothing. I have been embarrassed for the whole 8.5 yrs we have been married. He has never been sorry for it. He has always blamed me and like a good victim I have said yes I deserved it. Well I dont.

So I dont know what hte next week will bring. I am feel quiet low. Maybe it is my fault I know it is a trigger. I just get so angry that he will not come and help he does nothing. I have been sick now for 3 weeks and he hasn't minded them or helped me get a sleep or rest at all.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Sickofit,

This isn't PTSD. You are correct, it is abuse plain and simple. I know, been there and done that.

You are NOT stupid for loosing your temper. People do that. He is wrong for touching you in any type of aggressive manner. His behavior is manipulative and abusive, and PTSD is an excuse, not a cause.

Sorry, but even if you trigger the hell out of him, he should walk away, not hit or kick. I understand the embarrassment, guilt and shame. But it is not your fault, it happens to so many women, and the only shame should be on him and his behavior.

You need to get help for yourself. Sorry, but forget him right now. Its you and your children you need to be concerned with. Reach out to your T and find a domestic violence advocate. Even if he gets better, the abuse will not. It is a separate issue and needs to be addressed as such.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You did a good thing by telling, that is a very hard thing to do.

Keeping you in my prayers.

Debbie

 

[Jawn]

I agree with Debbie. This is NOT acceptable behavior and you need to make sure you and your kids are safe.

Jawn

 

[anni]

It's true. It quite simply is abuse, Sickofit. I'm so sorry. You're not alone, in internalizing all those 'I did this'. and if only's', in being embaressed. Listen. Mine was a trauma surgeon. Nothing to brag about, to be sure. The ER he used to ake me to was the one he worked at. We'd all sit there, noone saying anything about why I was there, he'd chat, the nurses would look at me, look away, the docs NOT look at me. Surreal. I was too embaressed to start screaming at all fo them. I know someone would have stopped that farce if I had. Someone SHOULD have, of course- I'm still angry as hell about that. I'm also NOT blaming myself, as you should not-not for 'triggering' him, not for being embaressed and staying quiet. 'Triggering' is for us- for things like PTSD episodes, for real things, not for what he does when crossing that line.It makes it make 'sense', saying 'triggered', like something YOU did, caused him to hit you.You may have triggered his PTSD, not his abuse. No. I even know saying this is going to make you even more tnese and unhappy, but you did reach out, tell us, and OH my, we've been there. I have dentures. This cervical disc I'm getting replaced? I was choked a bunch of times, thrown down stairs. I've also fallen off some horses in my day but carefully ignore these facts mostly. I know the truth. It's making it hard as hell to address getting the surgery since I know he did this to me, really. The magnitude of the harm abuse does sneaks up on you, that's all. We all have ignored it, have reached out, have drawn a live. You can. Noone-noone gets to hit anybody for any reason- ever, in this life. It's just the way it is.

Easy for me to say 'get out'. The logistics and dynamics are overwhelming, I know. I'd say ditto on Deb's post, then Jawn's, please, since all this is close to home for me. She said much very well, and was contained and helpful, I think. Gosh, I'm relieved you've been able to say this, to someone after all this time- reclaim something for yourself.

His PTSD really is secondary to your saftey, and your children's right now, that's all. I do not know what the aftermath is like at your house, after one of these abusive tantrums.At mine, esp if there was damage, I had some peace for a day or so- he'd go through the 'I'm sorry', never happen again' crap sometimes, while watching to see if I were going to report it.It gives you time to plan, or make decisions. I personally was able to pull off getting out in the middle of the night while he was at work. I'm not saying this is what you 'should do', just perhaps do as Deb said, and begin a plan, you know?

Sorry so long. Sorry also if not helpful- just been there and needed to HELP. Please keep in touch? No judgements here, from any of us, just prayers, concern and also some what-to-do's, through this. Take care, be careful, all the best, ok? PM if there's anything you need?

Anni

 

[hopelives]

Hi guys

Well we lost all power and phone last night and had none come back on til this morning. He is going to talk to this therapist and explain exactly what happened. And I am going to be ringing his therapist today to inform him of exactly what happen also. Abuse is what my husband grew up with so I am assuming this is something to do with that.

I am hiding it any longer or excusing it. I will no longer go near his room I am not his emotional or physical punching bag. I have begged for the basics for long enough. I will stand on my own two feet and move forward.

He has never shown voilence or anger in the extreme to the children. They would be shocked if they ever knew. They have not witnessed it. Also although I have had to cover a lot of bruises I have not had to go to the ER and in Aust if I went to ER for injuries they would ask him to leave the room and ensure I was not being abused.

I am being smart now. I am thinking out a plan and I dont really know if he is part of that anymore.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Sickofit,

Congratulations for taking the first step in making this better for yourself. It is really hard, but please use this site for support, as their are several of us that have been through this. Also, all the support you can get locally will be a huge benefit. It is not something to go alone.

I grew up with abuse and probably many people here did, but being abused is not excuse to be an abuser. I hope your husband recognizes this and takes the appropriate steps to address his behavior, take responsibility for it, and change it.

Thinking of you.
Debbie

 

[anni]

Hi again,

I'm glad you're sounding so determined- as you said, it's time. Yes, I understand he's never harmed the children but it's a small step, there. He was willing to pummel a possibly pregnant woman, his wife- it's just a little telling.

I couldn't tell from your post, when you said he'd gone off to tell his T about this episode, whether his T was hearing about it for the first time, also. If so, it's still one of those too late things at the moment, where it's only apparently being done as some last resort, perhaps to keep you. This has been going on for awhile, you need care, he needs a different kind of care which you just can't provide. You may have noticed quite a few of us- women who have been abused, here in the forum because we now have PTSD. It's not incidental. It just really, really is time to take care of you, as hard as it will be to seperate your healing from his. That's not being cold, unfeeling or abandoning him, it's just the way it is at the moment.

Please do use the forum, and whatever local support is available, as Deb said. I don't remember whether or not you have a T, also, but perhaps as things progress for you, one of the local support folks could connect you with someone good? This is an awful lot to process, my goodness, and it's time to have some personal help for your pain and bruises now, too.

Yes, you're in my thoughts also. Do take care, ok?

Anni

 

[hopelives]

WELL I am happy to report I am not pregnant. YAY!!!!! I am so happy. Although a new baby would of course always be nice. It would be better if my husband was able to be a father to the kids he has.

In regards to the physical things his therapist was firm and said it was not acceptable. My husband tried to make out it was nothing and that it was again my fault this time I said no it is not. He tried to say I was unforgiving for still being upset over it. He tried every trick and I kept pointing them out. Although the converstaion didn't end well it had to be said. After this he was more nice to me.

I just am not confronting him. Today he spoke to me like a child and I withdrew from him so I didn't get angry. He told me that I was being stupid for not talking about it. I said I dont appreciate it and he said that I was mad for thinking he was. I said I know you were but Im not going to argue as you dont seem to want to see or hear my point of view.

He appologised but of course made excuses for it.

Taking responsibility is not his strong point obviously. But at least he is starting to see he has a problem.

I am focusing on other things. Financially I have to do something next year otherwise we are going to drown. He is not working and in a way doesn't see a responsibility to work. I hope that with more therapy he will start to move forward and that next year he will work.

 

[hopelives]

OH and his grandmother on his mothers side made contact again. I couldn't resist I actually gave quiet detailed speach of how their daughter had failed and how I didn't wish to have contact just for the sake of it. I also said I had nothing to lose with his family anymore. I had tried over and over again and they had chosen to blame me. No only did she send a christmas card even after my detailed email. But she also sent $50. I sent a nice thank you email back.

My husband had massive downers after this contact and didn't sleep last night much after the card. So any more contact will be my domain if any.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Sickofit,

I am happy to hear that you are addressing this. Please, please be careful. Make sure you have a backup plan if things backslide.

Your in my thoughts and prayers.

Debbie

 

[hopelives]

Thanks Debbie.

Although I dont like his behaviour I am not really affraid of him. He only will go off if challenged in an aggressive way. I refuse to enter into talks negative that are in his domain or space as I find this is when it happens. The aggresion is there but at present the warning signs are there.

I will not be staying for another round and he is quiet clear on that.

His triggers are physical and violent which is one of the extreme triggers the therapist said. HE will be addressing these with my husband. He is also quiet aware that I dont wish to deal with that behaviour and he has said in no way is it my fault.