How do you stop being so hard on youself?

[UnKnown-Self]

@Ms Spock
I am on the train so I haven't read the other replies. I am very hard on myself and I think it's one of those double edged swords. In some ways it makes me try harder. Other times I don't pat myself on the back for how hard I've worked.
I think part of over coming it is self awareness of how you talk to yourself. Instead when you say mean things to yourself don't chaste yourself too harshly. When you do, you are still being too hard on yourself. Maybe if you can catch yourself, approach it like you would with a small child and teaching them to be kinder to others and have compassion for others when they make mistakes.
How would you do that? Would you yell at that child, crossly tell them how disgustingly mean they were?
Would you talk to them gently and explain how much their actions hurt others?
Would you ask them what is wrong? Why did they talk that way? Why are they so angry?
Maybe when you catch yourself being so hard on yourself, you could write what you are feeling, ask the questions and see if you get any answers.

 

[ms spock]

Or I could be totally wrong and my hardness on myself is stopping me from seeing the CBT framework - though I prefer DBT now.

 

[oasis2003]

You are being hard on your self now even @Ms Spock for comparing CBT and DBT . You are not wrong you are fine .

 

[anthony]

it's about knowing there are many different approaches and some will work better than others depending on the person, their experience of trauma, their processing style, the therapist

That too is my opinion and the expert consensus validates this outcome.

CBT is a base model that is incorporated into nearly every single therapy type, whether you know it or not, its there. CBT the base model is about challenging unhelpful thinking styles. That model is then expanded into many other forms, such as PE, EMDR, TF-CBT, SIT, and the list goes on. Again, nearly every single type of trauma therapy / counselling, is built upon or encompasses the base CBT model. It has to based purely on how the brain works.

Every person is an individual, so different types of therapy will work better on them. It's like the placebo affect, where a sugar pill works for some just because they believe it to be effective. The power of the brain surpasses what science knows about it. We use simplistic terms like the placebo effect and such to describe an unknown.

Add a therapist to the individual, and if there isn't a trust connection in that relationship, then it doesn't matter what the therapist says, the individuals brain will be less likely to accept what comes from that person. If a therapist has a bad incident with a person, that person may then become less receptive to them versus accepting that everyone makes mistakes and that therapy is trial and error.

You can't tell people things, you can only give them the information and tools that may work for them, and let them choose what works for them.

 

[anthony]

CBT framework - though I prefer DBT

DBT is CBT expanded. DBT takes the CBT model and breaks it down very specifically, and slowly, to treat complex trauma (dis-regulation and self management). It then feeds the person at a much slower rate how to change, whilst expanding the model specifically to suit the specifics found in those having endured complex trauma.

Everything is not CBT, but most are built on the underlying foundation of CBT. CBT does not solve dissociation or regulation issues at the base level, as I said above, the base level of CBT challenges thinking styles, how you think about things, so forth. It is an approach based foundation you find in nearly every therapy. It will not solve dissociation / disregulation of emotions, so forth. DBT is like a combination of CBT, somatic techniques, exposure techniques, etc.

 

[oasis2003]

Sorry did not mean to be harsh and blunt @Ms Spock but I respect you as a person and do not like it when you are so harsh to yourself

 

[ms spock]

Thanks for all the comments I will think on them. I am really struggling with this at the moment.

 

[The Albatross]

Personally, I had to work on REBT and core belief stuff before I could do the work on CBT. Anthony's take on these things were in line with my own personal experience which is why I came here.

 

[oasis2003]

What does solve dissociation and disregulation of emotions then ? Anything ? @anthony

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think that I was ready to change and be kinder to myself when an online friend said that being hard on myself was self abuse. Up until that time I just accepted the inner abusers words without question.

Then I started catching myself going there and began to refute the inner critic.

Sometimes I do it better than other days.

But ever since I heard that and realized the truth of it I was determined not to be unkind or hard on myself. I really think that I was just sick and tired of being sick and tired.

 

[shimmerz]

said that being hard on myself was self abuse.

Yes, there is self responsibility in being kind to oneself.

 

[anthony]

What does solve dissociation and disregulation of emotions

DBT is what you want to focus on. DBT is a structured, slowed process, for learning skills that work to self-regulate.

There is also another process which is the contrary of DBT, being that you start at your worst trauma and go as hard and fast at your trauma you can, with very strict supervision and limited access outside your home and such, basically an overwhelming method or radical change in the shortest time possible with near constant support on hand.

The first is very slow, very mild, taking years / decades... the second is very fast, very hard, taking a year / maybe several years at most.