How do you stop being so hard on youself?

[shimmerz]

being that you start at your worst trauma and go as hard and fast at your trauma you can, with very strict supervision and limited access outside your home and such, basically an overwhelming method or radical change in the shortest time possible with near constant support on hand.

What type of therapy is this @anthony? I would worry about some of our 'worst traumas' being too much for us to digest right off the bat. Can you provide more information?

 

[anthony]

It is normal trauma therapy, just done full-on.

Everyone thinks that their worst trauma will be too much... but it doesn't matter how you go about it, you eventually have to face your worst trauma and it will be what it is. The difference is that some aren't strong enough in character to not do the stupid shit your brain will tell you do.

Don't anyone read that as some personal flaw, it isn't. Some people are just mentally tougher than others, even when suffering the worst trauma imaginable. If everyone where created the same, then we wouldn't be having this discussion, nor would there be a myriad of trauma therapy types.

 

[Lionheart]

retracted statements but, wishing you the best just the same, guess I thought I had something more to add

 

[oasis2003]

@Suzetig What different types of processing styles are there? It is just my therapist said she was concerned about the way that I process things. So just curious.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I stopped being hard on myself when I finally realized that (for me) it was just another form of abuse, self imposed but none the less abuse. I have had enough abuse in my life and imposing self abuse was just adding more to the fire. I also had to start believing that I was not the villain I made myself out to be, and I had to start by accepting that even though I had experienced trauma and have PTSD, it wasn't WHO I was, it was something that HAPPENED to me.

All of us are capable of being loved, accepted, and having fulfilling lives, and I personally believe that ACCEPTING that belief is the first step to getting better. If you can't believe that you are capable of being loved and accepted, then how can you move forward towards healing yourself?????? JMO!!!!!

 

[Changing4Best]

Dear Ms Spock, I have some of these same problems. I too am hard on myself and often think of myself as a total failure. None the less, when I come to my senses, I realize that I am only human and that I can only do so much. SO I try to look for little things that I did right. I take it to the bank when someone tells me that I helped them. I buy myself flowers. (This is important, because when no one else ever buys you flowers, you need to buy them for yourself and write yourself a little card that thanks you for being good to yourself or doing something right or something). I have done this before, and it makes a difference.

Call a friend, someone who is close and honest and caring and ask them what you have done right in their life for them. Ask them if you have helped them at all and how.

Write a list of things you can do to help others and to help yourself too. Then check the things off your list once you have done them. You can even ask folks what they need from you and then do it. Don't forget about all the random acts of kindness you have done!

Personally, I think you have done a lot for the folks on this Forum by leading the challenges you have lead. Also, the ones you have participated in, just your presence in each of those groups was a help to others including me.

Also, when I run into you in chat, you cheer me up with a hug and whatever you say. So thanks.

 

[Whyteferret]

DBT is CBT expanded. DBT takes the CBT model and breaks it down very specifically, and slowly, to treat com...

DBT provides skills. It does not touch the underlying trauma. It is an excellent program to learn skills you need to manage everyday life and actually address the underlying trauma at some point.m

 

[Lionheart]

what I found most helpful for me was to identify my main core thoughts/beliefs and refute them with all of my ability, I am just throwing this out there but, I hope you find things that work to help you too!!!

 

[Suzetig]

@Suzetig What different types of processing styles are there?

There are a number of different ways that we process stuff. To resolve trauma takes both cognitive and emotional engagement and processing and we all have different capacities for both.

If I use myself as an example my cognitive process (being able to think things through and understand/make sense of things) is pretty strong. I can logically work things through to a conclusion so, in terms of challenging distorted core beliefs, that's fine. My emotional process is much much more fragile, so holding the intensity of emotion that processing trauma brings is very hard for me. It makes therapy challenging because there's a pretty narrow window of tolerance that I can work with emotionally. As @anthony says, it's not a criticism or slight to be more fragile, it is what it is but for example, it means that very direct "worst trauma first" way of working is too much for me.

So, I've got a fairly fragile processing style, dissociation is another form of processing where the person detaches from themselves in a variety of ways to cope with the intensity of their feelings. Psychosis is another processing style where someone looses touch with reality. Have a look at Margaret Warners writing on difficult process - she writes from a Person/Client Centred perspective which doesn't suit everyone but she does explain different processing styles and ways to work more effectively drawing on things like pre-therapy, use of empathic response.

The main thing is to have s therapist who will work at your pace enough, while challenging you enough without re traumatising you on one hand but without colluding with you to avoid the work on the other.

 

[oasis2003]

Thank you for replying in such detail @Suzetig . I am just about to start trauma therapy again and I think hitting it hard would retraumatise . I have done EMDR and that was totally too much but other therapy has been successful. I think I have to take it very slowly, also having a small window of tolerance .

Last time in therapy we worked on dissociation and staying with difficult emotions, as I tend to surpress emotions as a result of the past traumas. It worked but we have to work slowly. It is quite frustrating as I wish I could do 2 or 3 goes of EMDR and then get on with my life, but that is not to be with me I am afraid.

It is strange that certain things that therapists say stay with you and concern a bit . T do say lots of thing to flood you as well . I thought you guys would be the best to ask being professionals at trying all different types of therapy !!!?

 

[Suzetig]

It is funny what stays with you - not knowing you or your situation, I'm guessing your therapist just meant your way of processing was a bit tricky - that small window of tolerance you spoke about. I don't know your trauma but there's a school of thought that says where there has been significant, enduring interpersonal trauma really long term therapy focussing on relationship is what's needed because anything else is too triggering. It's almost like rewiring how you see safe relationships. Yes a couple of lots of EMDR would be quicker but that doesn't fit everyone.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Ms Spock Tara Brach calls it the trance of unworthiness. Cultivating the ability to not believe your thoughts, to recognize that you feel unworthy but don't believe it. Befriend those feelings, observe where in your body that you feel them. Breathe. Place a hand on your heart and a hand over your solar plexus and tell yourself it will be okay. And just breathe into your hands. Challenge the trance.