How do you work on shame?

[whiteraven]

I've yet to find resources about guilt/shame/blame that are as effective as the 12 step models (part of my experience) which has whole books devoted to it. But here's a decent site:
Guilt and Shame

Thanks for posting this. So helpful.

 

[talon]

This may be too huge a topic but I’m increasingly aware of how much shame I carry and wondered if anyone has anything to share around what has helped them. Either in therapy or else on your own (exercises, reading etc) It’s getting in the way so much.
Thanks.

I supported helped someone with DID had 20 alters who had deep shame her many alters calling host a f*ck toy sex toy because she was seeking revictimization ( abuse ) seeing this as normal behaviour . Following this abuse she would self harm and became suicidal . She thought that i would think less of her and would hate or despise her for this shameful behaviour but i reassured her that this was learned behaviour that could be unlearned . There is no shame in abuse it was never our fault your fault . We are you are not a victim you are a survivor

 

[b.matt]

Shame was recently explained to me as a public manifestation of personal guilt. I didn't really get it at first, and once I did think that I understood what that meant...I didn't put much stock in it. Basically, it seemed to me that I was being told my shame was just a massive level of embarrassment - which made me feel like I just needed to be tougher and get over it.

However, the more I think about it...the more it seems to fit for me.

When I do something that I'm not proud of...I jump to guilt. Immediately. No neutral though, it seems, and there are not a lot of things that make me feel proud, so there's a lot of guilt. That guilt becomes shame when I start to think about what kind of a person it makes me...and that is something which is most definitely social.

My shame (at least) does seem to stem from how I view myself in comparison to others. Shame causes me to say things like: I'm not good enough or, I am a failure in life or, I am a bad person...and ALL of that IS based on my perception of who I am in relation to everyone else.

I don't know if it will help me to feel any better about myself...but I do recognize that I'll never get past my own shame until I can start to listen more to my own true opinion of myself, and stop projecting the percieved opinions of others onto myself.

Deep down, somewhere, I know I'm a good person...I think we all know that about ourselves at some level. So it seems that at least for me, the challenge will be strengthening that part of myself, and allowing other people to be less of a factor in determining my self worth.

I wish you the best in your healing.
-Brian

 

[Mach123]

People used to actually tell me to not talk about myself like that. I didn't realise I was doing it. I know that parts feel shame which is disconcerting because I get uncomfortable or agitated in situations and I don't know why. It's a part feeling shame usually inappropriately applied in the present.

But shame is really a big thing for me and I don't know really where I am with it.

 

[user27357]

it strikes me as unnatural to feel we are worthless when we feel shame, when it is really just a manifestation of wanting to be a better
person.
We dont feel bad about the pain of touching something hot and we don't hate ourselves for feeling it or for touching the hot. The pain makes us aware of the imminent damage and the memory helps us avoid it in the future and we go forward wanting to avoid the whole situation and we inevitably fail and still we don't beat ourselves up over it.
Maybe embrace shame?
psychotics dont feel remorse or shame for the things they have done, shame is a sign we are alright on that front. It is a good sign that we self monitor and try to avoid things that make us feel shame so be glad you feel it, right?
if I didn't feel shame for things I have done or had done to me, would I allow more bad stuff to happen to me? Would I do more things I know are wrong if there wasn't an internal reaction?
I feel shame and I am far from embracing it but yet, here it is, and shouldn't I be thankful? Maybe at least able to deal with it as a neutral thing and not a stamp of failure. Maybe at least able to seperate true shame from what has been piled on to me by people that didn't have my permission to even criticize, let alone mark me with those criticisms to the point that they felt true and permanent.

 

[intothelight]

I have felt a lot of guilt and shame over things in my past. One thing that I realized that I was looking back on events as an adult and not as the child/person I was at the time of the event. I learned not to hold myself to a standard that didn't exist at that time. I did the best that I knew how to do at that point and that helped to relieve and release a lot of the guilt/shame I felt.

Lately I have been really working on getting rid of "should have", "would have" and "could have" from my thought process. Basically they cause me to review a hypothetical past that never happened. At best I can look back and take from my past any lesson that I can apply to my present. To learn from the past is one thing, but to shame myself for actions at that point in time is nothing more than self abuse. Anyone who asks "why didn't you....", I now ask them why they didn't choose different parents, a different country, or a different economic class to be born into. They look at me as though I am a little crazy, but the point is that life doesn't give you a choice at times and we play the hand we are dealt. Pretty much derails potential shamers'. It is also a good point to keep in my own head as things in the past presented no choice or the choices available were very different then they are now.

For those that say "its the past, leave it and move on", the truth is that no one ever truly leaves the past as the family, friends, events, experiences impact who a person is in the present. I have learned not to dwell or let it define my present, but I still take it with me and am moving on at times in spite of it. At best I take the lessons and turn it into something positive and at worst I have to still work on overcome the areas it binds/cripples me.

 

[ladee]

Back in the Stone Age when I started my healing journey, there were not the resources available as there is today.

So I would go to the bookstore. Went to the 'Self Help' section, and this book almost jumped into my hands. (Not literally of course, but it's how it felt) It was Healing the Shame That Binds Us by John Bradshaw.

He was a pioneer of sorts in this field and was a popular author at the time. This book, his explanations, examples and stories changed the direction of my healing journey.

One of the things written that shook me to my core was that there is a difference between healthy shame and toxic shame. Healthy shame is, for instance, being angry and taking it out on others, realizing it, apologizing and working to change. Toxic shame is I am wrong. Not the behaviour, but ME. And that couldn't be changed. Because I was inherently bad.

I was able to start making that distinction between being human and making mistakes, as opposed to being inherently bad with no hope for healing.

I run away from people who try to shame me into submission today. I am a human trying to figure out my life, not a 'problem' that can't be solved.

It's awesome you are challenging this in your own life. It had me an emotional hostage for many years. Good luck with finding your answers.

 

[Lionheart]

I am a survivor of sexual child abuse. When I was a child, I accepted that I was to blame for the abuse (which turned out not to be true), and therefore I accepted the shame that went with it. When I finally placed the blame on the abuse perps (where it belonged), rather than on myself, I became free of the shame that rightfully belonged to the perps as well. I was a child and did not ask to be abused. It was not my fault. It is a shame that I was abused and that shame belongs to those that abused me...it was never my shame to carry.