How Does Love For A Parent Feel?

[freakofnurture]

In Nicolette's [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/a-letter-to-my-your-mother.16031/"]thread for letters to mom [/DLMURL]there are some posts that speak of love in spite of hate, or of love that existed before a certain event. There are also some people here whose PTSD isn't tied to their p*rents and who have a positive relationship with them.
I never loved or even liked my p*rents. I know how non-sexual love feels since I occasionally feel love for my cat and I had moments when I loved a friend or my sister. But I guess, love for a p*rent aught to be different from that, since the relationship to them is fundamentally different.

So, I want to ask you:
How does it feel to love mom and dad? Where do you feel it in your body? What impulses does it give you? How do you want to relate to your p*rents? How do you want to be with them? Which needs do they fulfill in you? Which situations make you want to be with them? What do you miss when you're not with them?

Thank you in advance for your answers. I'm pretty curious :)

 

[Nicolette]

Well, my honest opinion is I really don't have any idea rather than the obligatory thought that I should love them. Sad but true. :oops:

I don't want to relate to my parents, no longer miss them and have no desire to be with them as when I did all it did was result in me being hurt.

There comes a point when you gotta say to yourself "the top of the stove is hot, putting my hand on there ends up with it being burned; the only way to stop the burning is to NOT put my hand on the stove". :O_o:

 

[allitherapy]

My parents made a lot of mistakes, but I have forgiven them. I love them both very much.

I think of my parents when something makes me happy or sad. They are the first people I call with good news. When I am sick, I make myself the same foods my mom used to give me when I was little and it makes me happy. When I'm feeling down, I know my parents will be there to remind me of how great I am. I miss the way they make me laugh and the way they do things just because they know it will make me happy. When I go home to visit, they always buy my favorite foods, put my favorite sheets on the bed, etc.

My parents weren't there when I was little , but they are there now and I love them for that. I love them for the parents they tried to be years ago and the ones they have grown into now. I see them not only as my parents, but as humans, just like all of us, who make mistakes.

 

[freakofnurture]

@Nicolette: The Myth of F*mily... I feel pretty much the same about that.

@allitherapy: I don't really know what to say. Thank you for your reply, of course :), but... What did your parents do to convince you that they are genuinely sorry for their neglect and that they have actually changed?

 

[Reclusive]

Love for a parent is awesome. It's like having a best friend, a mentor, a teacher, and a safety net. It's knowing someone always has your back. They'll always care how you're feeling and they always want you to feel good. It feels like everything will always be okay, as long as you stick together. They become part of you. It's like nothing in the world can ever be That Bad. My mother passed when I was 16 and the gaping hole left in my heart will probably never heal.

My father was there the whole time I grew up, but we'll probably never have a relationship. And that's somehow even sadder for how close my mother and I were.

 

[allitherapy]

[quote="freakofnurture, post: 204726 What did your parents do to convince you that they are genuinely sorry for their neglect and that they have actually changed?[/quote]

I don't think they had to necessarily do anything to "convince me". They simply are the parents now that they always should have been. They are my greatest supporters, my mentors, my friends. They are the people I turn to for guidance, help, support, love, and everything I can't get from others in my life. I know that my parents will love me unconditionally. I also know that they always DID love me. Their abuse in the past was due to their own issues and their poor ability to handle those issues. It had nothing to do with me being a bad kid or them not loving me. They have made their mistakes and learned from them. As an adult, I can accept that and appreciate them now. The child inside is sad about how they treated me and will probably always be sad. I can't go back and erase the past, but I can build on the future and I'm very glad and fortunate that my parents are a part of it.

 

[Elphaba]

Dear Mum
I just wished you sometimes asked me or showed any interest in what happened. You knew about it. It was all over the papers. Yet you never asked about how I coped. Not then, not since. We made tapas the other month and we were chopping vegetables and I tried to tell you that I wasn't ok. Your response was : "Get the potatoes, they're done."

I never really asked for much. I don't ask for money. I don't ask for help when I do things. When my great grandmother died, you forgot to tell me about it. I missed her death. And her funeral.

I know this is hard stuff. But noboby wants to know. You make me feel like a drama queen if I try to explain. Or if I have any symptoms. You seem to think PTSD is a result of self-pity.

There is no point in telling you that I feel alone with this. I was going to say I hope that you will understand one day, but I don't actually know what I hope for any more.

 

[The Albatross]

Just the thread title, got me a stress reaction of about a 7 and it climbed as I read your post to an 8 and a half.
I feel it in my stomach, my guts, my jaw, my brow, my shoulders tensed up and my neck shortened (like I was bracing for a blow) and I have to cue to breathe. But I just came off of my timed writing and am in a bad place so my stress level is up anyways.

 

[The Albatross]

P.S. great topic!

 

[freakofnurture]

I don't think they had to necessarily do anything to "convince me". They simply are the parents now that they always should have been.

Okay, I see. Thank you for your explanation :)
Do you ever talk about their past behaviour towards you and how it affected you?
Because that's the moment when I lose all motivation to relate to my p*rents, and all sympathy for their own struggles. They are kind, interested in me, understanding, supportive...... But they don't take seriously at all how I experienced the first 18 years of my life. They tell me that I'm exaggerating my symptoms, that the fact that I have PTSD at all is an exaggeration, and that I basically talked myself into this disorder.

Dear Mum (...)

Wrong thread ;) I'm sorry if the link in my first post is confusing.

@The Albatross: The dreaded P-Word...
I hope you're feeling better soon :)

 

[The Albatross]

Home from church... have an open afternoon for self care (it was up in the air because of the inlaws plans). Okay... since I had such a big body reaction I'm gonna press on... then do my blog, self guided study to decompress. This is really timely for me, cuz I need to move through these. FON said,

"How does it feel to love mom and dad? Where do you feel it in your body? What impulses does it give you? How do you want to relate to your p*rents? How do you want to be with them? Which needs do they fulfill in you? Which situations make you want to be with them? What do you miss when you're not with them?"

I only hit on the body reactions. So I'm doubling down and here's what I get:

How does it feel to love mom and dad? It feels stressful and regretful, sad and grieving.

What impulses does it give you? My impulses are to self protect, duck, cover, cut them off or "to thine ownself be true."

How do you want to relate to your p*rents? My dad died of kidney cancer, my mom is the remaining parent. I would like to relate to her free from expectation and learn to love her as she is, not what I want/desire/need her to be.

How do you want to be with them? I want to be tolerant, peaceful, calm, supportive and loving. An asset rather than a liability.

Which needs do they fulfill in you? Shared suffering, I'm able to see her behaviors and weigh them against my own to gauge my progress. A way to discern if I'm blocking and defensive or open and kind (a mental/emotional thermometer). A link to a heritage, I am the fourth generation of women in her line who chose violent and abusive partners. Resolve, it will stop with me.

What do you miss when you're not with them? New ideas, tools, hobbies and vitally consuming interests for how to cope with a sense of low self worth.

 

[Elphaba]

Okay, I see.

Ok - sorry but don't know how to remove it now