How does one integrate spouse into your care?

[Still Standing]

I am being vey serious about asking this question. How does one include a spouse in your care? I have become very private and self-protective, selective in what I share with my hubby. I have no idea if he has educated himself, via the internet, on PTSD or not. I have said very little to him about my care. He is accepting of my situation and is supportive in some things but most of my struggles I hold close. I don't fully trust him with me...for various reasons. Some of that is for good reason and some of it is probably not. I have been trying to take baby steps in regaining that trust. But, it is intimidating thinking that he needs to know more fully, what I am struggling with. How did you guys address the inclusion of your spouse or SO into your care? I want his support but I am scared he is going to have expectations that I cannot meet yet. I'm scared that he is going to expect me to simply change back to my talky, bubbly self, which I feel is dead, right now. I stepped out of the familiar world of our relationship long time ago and the thought of reentering that world is threatening. And I don't really know why, because that world was fine. Maybe there is an easy solution, but right now it is very intimidating, but I also understand that he should be included in my care so I feel safe and supported outside of therapy.

 

[hodge]

Several years into our marriage, my hubby knew as well as I did that something very wrong was overcoming me. I had been in therapy on and off since my early teens, but I had never been so afraid of what was going on with me. I'll never forget coming home from my first appt. when I was diagnosed with PTSD. I was still in shock, but I shared this information with my husband within a minute or so of coming through the door. Much of that time in my life is pretty hazy for me, but I know he was concerned and said he would help any way he can. A good husband wants to help. To be honest, really all he can do is listen and be there for me, and I tell him that.

I do kind of walk a tightrope, though I certainly don't find it easy . . . I save most of my stuff for my T, but do keep him up to date and let him know when I'm in a really bad way, and once in a great while, if some outside circumstance, such as a TV show, triggers me, I will share a general account of how it triggered me because of something that happened to me.

I was scared, too, for quite a while, that he might not want to cope with the "new" me. But I have just kind of followed my best instincts in letting him in, usually in a general sense versus not overwhelming him with my past or with when I'm having just moderate symptoms. It wasn't my world that had changed; it was my delayed PTSD onset that was the awful change.

I think there's probably no one road map that works for every couple, but if you have a solid friendship, mutual respect and caring foundation, as healthy an adjustment as possible can be worked on. Also, if you have problems keeping up social activities you used to enjoy, encourage him to continue to do them without you. I call it giving my hubby respite :-). Mine didn't like that at first, but didn't push me. They need it, seriously. In fact, for example, right now, mine is at a fundraiser that will last about eight hours. There is no way I can any longer be at anything like that for more than an hour without becoming totally overwhelmed, dizzy, nauseous, confused, etc.

Anyway, we have muddled through living with this and continued to have a loving relationship for the 12 years now since I was diagnosed. I wish you the best.

 

[Still Standing]

Hi Hodge. Thanks for being so straight forward in your response. I'm a "late-onsetter" too...waaaay late...at 44 years of marriage..just call me, Granny. Yeh, I know, I am from the dark ages but I still have my teeth and can walk on my own and I don't yet, drool. :rolleyes: Much of what you shared about your response to things are much the same for me. Sadly, most of my married life suffered from the affects of the CPTSD but I didn't know my problems had a reason other than I was different from others. After being diagnosed, I was very threatened to let him into this new world, not knowing if he would belittle my world or not. He went to being a bit snide to being gentle and supportive. When I first started therapy, I told him he could not ask me any questions. He has honored that. I do suspect that he researched PTSD from a few small things he has said. I am thinking of giving him a copy of the article from National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse..."Post Traumatic Distress Disorder in Adult Survivors of Child Abuse". It is like someone wrote about me and my childhood history and how I think and feel deep inside of me since then to now. Until today, I have had no desire to include him but am feeling like it is time to reconsider and figure out how to do it. If he reads the article, he will certainly "see" me in it and it will give understanding to why I react to things so differently than he. I think it would help to open a door to discuss the CPTSD. He is a research engineer, so information gathering he does well. I think he would respond better to a written article than me trying to explain myself and the PTSD. I have also consider asking my Therapist if he would be willing to talk to hubby and explain the ins and outs of this to him, allowing him to ask questions and getting the support of someone, in the know, besides me. This shouldn't seem so hard but it is...it makes me feel extremely vulnerable.

 

[hodge]

I think your ideas for slowly letting him in are great, @Still Standing. Remember the basics of intimacy, right? It is hard. I wanted to remain the woman my husband married, but I was no longer that same woman, through no fault of my own. This thing just literally overtook me and changed my life, ended my career, blah, I won't go on.

I know it's hard, but allowing him in little by little is, I think, the only way forward. I just want to encourage your instinct to share that article with him. Give him time to absorb things -- just think of how long it's taken us to absorb all the ramifications and effects of this? Well, I'm speaking for myself, anyway.

I understand how you feel. But, make no mistake, this is hard stuff -- no question about it! I have never felt so vulnerable since I was 12 years old. Though, to be honest, at this point, most of my feelings of vulnerability come from older age conditions like sciatica and fibromyalgia, which create physical vulnerabilities rather than emotional ones. I'm a leg up on the emotional ones by now, for the most part, anyway. The new physical vulnerabilities are screwing up my hard-won new emotional strength, but I soldier on.

 

[hymnless]

I couldn't have run across this post at a better moment. Just out of curiosity- have either of you all ever considered having (or had) your spouse see your therapist for a visit? Even though I had PTSD before my wife and I got together, I started to have waaayyyyy more symptoms about a year ago and it's made both of our lives hell. I'm at a loss as to how to help her.

 

[hodge]

I have asked my husband if he would like to attend a therapy session, but he has declined. I just give him the option. I think he knows quite a bit about it from online articles and from living with me :-).

About your comment that your symptoms increased after being with your wife, I think that's fairly common. I think my delayed PTSD onset happened when I finally felt safe with my husband. It's like, you learn to live in this total anxiety state when you're on your own.and then when you're with your loved one, you start to feel more relaxed and the symptoms start coming out. At least, that's part of what happened with me. But we got through it with a lot of love and patience and I pray you guys do, too. (((hymnless)))

 

[Still Standing]

I couldn't have run across this post at a better moment. Just out of curiosity- have either of you all...

My heart goes out to you. Being married and having to readjust the "normal" is really hard, though the "normal" was hard enough!!!! As I shared with Hodge, I am thinking about asking my Therapist if he thinks it would be profitable for my spouse to come in and talk to him with the intent of information gathering. I would also give the T permission to discuss me, as he saw fit. And any suggestion as to how hubby can better support me could be explored during the session, as well. I do not want to be there if this meeting were to happen. So, like you, I would be interested how others tackle this situation.

 

[LuckiLee]

When I got together with J, I knew he was a combat veteran and he told me he had "problems". That's when I started my research.

I worked in the medical field so I knew quite a bit about the disorder. Probably more than he did at the time. It wasn't until about six months later that he started therapy. I took him to his first few appointments. I knew how hard it was going to be.

I'm sure you're husband started his research too. You're ideas are great. The article is perfect and if you're comfortable with him coming to your T with you all the better.

Also, at the top of the supporters section here they have some great information and the PTSD stress cup really helped me understand so much better.

Good luck to both of you.

 

[hymnless]

My heart goes out to you. Being married and having to readjust the "normal" is really hard, thou...

I had my wife meet with my previous therapist and it was slightly helpful, but she wasn't trauma focused. I think that it would probably go better with my current therapist but the whole thing just makes me so uncomfortable. The only two people that I trust sitting in one room talking about me? Nah. We good. I'll just be over here quietly puking on myself. The one difficult dynamic is the sharing of information. Obviously your therapist is going to go out of their way to not say anything that your partner wouldn't already know, but it's going to happen. I'd had a really big event a few years back that my therapist had assumed I'd told my wife about (suicide attempt) but I hadn't. I wasn't hiding it, but it didn't feel good when she came home and was like "so your therapist told me something that really caught me off guard". On the flip side, a few things happened at home that I hadn't brought up to my therapist that I then had to talk about later lol

Since I'm a very well adjusted person, the way that my wife found out about my CSA was when se got in a huge fight a month after our wedding about a suitcase. I stormed off and told her I didn't want to tell her anything I couldn't take back. She asks me what it is and I angrily yell from the bottom of the stairs "he sexually abused me!" Sooooooo things got off to a really great start here lol. Needless to say, the suitcase stopped mattering. My wife has had an incredibly hard time trying to absorb all of this and has ended up with some secondary trauma, so I want to try to help her as much as possible because I know it will help me too.

Also something worth mentioning.... sometimes the more research a person does on this stuff the harder it is for them to understand. I don't know if that made sense but I'm saying it anyway. My wife is a professional researcher (that's her actual job) so she's read hundreds and hundreds of articles and studies and everything in between. It's made her crippled by the anxiety of all the different answers that she's gotten based on each source.

 

[hodge]

I understand. The more you know, the less you know. I was a professional researcher and writer, and that is so how it goes. Your wife has my total empathy. It's a freaking full-time job to figure out who the most credible investigators are, if you have that luxury. As a reference book writer, I usually did have that luxury, but it's still a crazy race when you're having to write a book by an increasingly unrealistic deadline!

 

[LuckiLee]

With the information I gathered I took what applied to our situation and left the rest. If I hadn't done the research I would have took everything personal. And that would have been the end of us.

I think having your spouse in a session would be great. No need to get into the trauma but just to explain how PTSD affects your day to day.

As a supporter coming here and reading other supporter's stories and tips was truly a relationship saver for me. There's priceless information here.

 

[Still Standing]

Ahhhhh...the journalistic bug...totally understand! I majored in journalism and absolutely loved it...especially advertising. Though not a professional, I research stuff, too, but I have a governor that hits full and I can simply stop once I think I have a broad understanding of what it is that has piqued my interest. I am not a detail person. Because of the stress of deadlines, I did not seek a job in the information/communications area. I am with Hodge in that the thought of having to do a couple's session puts my fear level way up. I would rather sit there with a bag over my head and earplugs in my ears...not ready for a couple's session. But, for me, the amount of information I have read, has really helped to calm my fear of the unknown with the PTSD. If what I read does not fit my own experience then I let it go. If in the future, it fits, it will not surprise me. I suppose the unknown concerning how to talk to hubby and how he will ultimately react is what scares me the most. You all have helped to fill in a few gaps for me. And knowing how you are walking through this helps, too. As I figure out what course I will take, I will let you know. I think I can do this...maybe.