How Has Ptsd Affected Your Marriage?

[open eyes]

Although I'm not married nor do I have plans to be any time soon, I was thinking about this earlier.

What negative impacts has PTSD made on your past/current marriages?

How do you work around it?

Any feedback is welcome.

 

[arfie]

My husband and I have speculated that it might be a big part of why our marriage (34 years) has outlasted the national average (8 years) by a considerable margin . The PTSD diagnosis was not available 34 years ago, but I had already been in therapy for it for 7 years before we married. My condition forced us to deal on a far deeper and more customized level than any of our peers who are now divorced. The challenge remains, but the continuity is priceless to us both.

We work past the PTSD issues in the same fashion we work through all the other problems: one day at a time. "Small steps and big faith" is our motto. We are not big believers in pre-fabricated solutions to problems we might or might not run into.

 

[Springer80]

Well, im going to be 34 this year and in my present mood marriage is about as likely as making diamonds out if coal.

I was engaged once to someone who had a kind heart but was essentially pretty immature.

The fact he wasnt contributing equally to our circumstances meant I had to drag our relationship up all the time as well as myself, my health and my own prospects. Plans, finances any responsibility for building a future was mine, while he goofed about and spent cash on what he wanted.

The stress and general lack of concern for how propping him up all the time affected me finished us off. I snapped and that was that.

 

[Powder]

Generally, I can only answer to complex or child-onset PTSD. I don't think I can speak for adult onset PTSD.

Both my H and I appear high functioning and "normal." But when we met, I knew we had something in common that marked us as more sensitive to feelings and in need of healing. It is like we could help each other heal because we were both healing something from childhood. I had grown up in a wealthy, abusive family with lots of education. He grew up in a supportive, working class family without education, and a hard time in school despite high intelligence.

I think I agree with Arfie that having something is a strength or weakness depending on the couple's attitude toward life and self. If we have proactive and matching goals and attitudes, then we can make it work.

PTSD brings a host of issues that test the relationship, like trust issues. It's easier to work through these if the PTSD sufferer is not also afflicted with addictions and a cluster of other disorders or health problems.

I don't think a PTSD sufferer and someone with no emotional trauma living a charmed life would have an easy time understanding each other. But, it seems best if there are strengths that complement each other.

 

[Fated Shadow]

I am not married but I do have a fiance. She knows very well how I can be when I have been triggered. We grew up together and she knows what I witnessed so she is very reassuring. She admits thought that sometimes I do scare her because I am 240lbs and six foot five while she is an oriental woman who is well as you can imagine small. Not only that but I have an extensive martial arts background and that includes weapons training with various blades and other weapons and I used to be a martial arts instructor so it was a part of my daily routine. As you can imagine there is a lot of fear that I might hurt her, more on my part than on hers. In fact she has no fear what so ever of me hurting her she fears me hurting myself or getting shot by the police if I ever have a flashback/ panic attack in public and they do get involved because I have been known to attack almost everyone around me no matter who they are. She was also trained in the martial arts because her grandfather was my master and later my employer before he passed on. So there it is that is about it once again yeah I am not married but having a relationship is hard for me because like now with her I am worried I could hurt her and that I may one day so having a relationship in general with someone even if they do understand what I have and even knows what the original causes of my PTSD was is hard for us or me more than her actually because I constantly worry I could hurt her and it is always a worry I will have probably the rest of my life with her. She is important because she is one of the first woman that truly understands where everything stems from and knows how I can get because when I was dating others it was hard explaining to them everything and even after they didn't understand completely and then would see me lose it and of course look at me different from then on which is hard to deal with because they get that look like I am a monster or that they are afraid of me.

 

[ghotiff]

Sometimes I wonder if my husband loves me despite my quirks, or because of my quirks.

(I've been this way since childhood)

 

[Justyna]

Although I'm not married nor do I have plans to be any time soon, I was thinking about this earlier.

What negative impacts has PTSD made on your past/current marriages?

How do you work around it?

Any feedback is welcome.

The 19th of this month will be two years of being married. And it already feels like five because of all the work, and I barley have done any work with working on handling his PTSD. So far I have experienced mood swings: random no matter what, even if I say something happy he might snap into it. Then another issue is how he shuts himself out. He literally throws a wall up and there's no talking to him or anything, and I have to move on with my day. It has caused me to shut myself out too because that's the only way that I can temporarily make myself happy. We have good days together, but most of them are hard. To simply put it, it's like walking on eggshells all of the time. I have to smoke marijuana sometimes because I get such bad anxiety from it. If you love him, marry him. But if you don't think that you can handle dealing with PTSD for most likely the majority of your marriage, then save yourself the divorce...

 

[ghotiff]

But if you don't think that you can handle dealing with PTSD for most likely the majority of your marriage, then save yourself the divorce

I could be wrong, but from reading other posts by @open eyes I believe that Open Eyes is the PTSD sufferer....and you can't leave yourself.

My husband does not mind my issues....there are some things that he has to be mindful of and patient with, but I don't think he minds. As an example, when I started to have therapy 6mths ago....he wasn't sure it was a good idea and would tell me that our life was fine (what he meant was there was no need for me to change from his, or our childrens perspective).

He tells me that it makes a huge difference that I own my own issues and I don't ever blame him for them. If something goes wrong and I am reacting badly because of my issues, I'm very up-front with him...I'll say that I know its me...but I'm not coping...and I need to go and do X.

 

[open eyes]

@Justyna, @ghotiff is correct- I am the one with PTSD. I'm also not married, I was just thinking a lot about the future when I posted this.

 

[anthony]

What negative impacts has PTSD made on your past/current marriages?

Ha ha... OMFG, this is something that goes through my head ongoing. Two divorces and well... who knows. PTSD and marriage is just so hard on the other person. I know this, I understand this... and it isn't about me, but the impact upon the other person. It's truly hard for them to deal with a spouse with PTSD. I honestly just can't judge any spouse, male or female, who walks away from someone with true PTSD.

 

[shell]

I think it takes a special kind of person to put up with the baggage that comes with a person with PTSD, you never really know what will happen from one moment to the next.

I never intend to hurt my partner or intentionally push him away, but without doubt I am not the easiest person to live with, there are times when my partner has felt very alone due to me withdrawing.

 

[Alien Goodness]

For me, a negative impact of my PTSD on our marriage is that it there is a lot of fear locked inside me and this fear infects my partner to behave in unhelpful ways, which increases my fear, and thus the fear spirals to intense levels, removing the sense of safety that I need in a marriage.